Dear Kim,

Mother’s Day is this weekend, and my family wants to spend the whole day with me. While many mothers would enjoy that, I kinda want my husband to take care of the kids and let me have the whole day to myself. You see, I’m a stay at home mom, and having some time to myself would be my ideal gift. How do I tell my family this without hurting their feelings?

Thanks,

Agnes

Dear Agnes,

Several years ago, I too was faced with a similar dilemma. That’s when I developed the Better MOMS weekend.

For a fee (it’s really quite large), I’ll pick you up in the used Merry Maids vehicle I bought at an auction, and whisk you away to the spa of your choice. But don’t fret Agnes, using my cleverly crafted Better MOMS brochure, your family will think you’re at a Holiday Inn attending a horrendous weekend full of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing classes, all in an effort to be a “better mom”. Little do they know Better MOMS stands for “Better Method Of Maintaining Sanity”.

Agnes, having run this scam for several years now, I’ve thought of everything. First of all, all financial transaction will be filtered through me; all of your spa treatments, drinks, and comedy show tickets will appear on your credit card as “One Classy Motha, inc.”. No, I’m not incorporated, but I found a loophole, the “inc” is short for incognito…because that’s what you’ll be, Agnes. That reminds me, upon pickup, you’ll be given a undercover name like Tigress, Luscious, or One Who Doesn’t Do Dishes. Mine is Candy Ass.

In addition to money laundering, during your trip I’ll send home customized letters to your family, updating them on everything you’re learning. In order to successfully pull this off, prior to your trip, I’ll send you a questionnaire asking you about your family: their names, ages, interests, and dislikes. The food dislikes are key here. Everything they hate will be things you’ll claim to be learning. This way you won’t be asked to replicate anything once you return home. Example, your husband hates seafood? Guess what? All our recipes involve shrimp or tilapia. Vegetarian? We spent the whole weekend BBQ-ing pork. Lactose intolerant? We learned to churn butter.

As for cleaning, every enrollee will return home with a gift certificate good for a year of Merry Maids service! Of course, you’ll have paid for this in your fee.

And child rearing? I’ll send you back with stickers, lollipops, and iTunes gift cards…basically an arsenal of bribery material that is compatible with all ages and maturity levels.

Agnes, I wish you had reached out to me sooner as it’s too late to enroll for the 2013 weekend. But if you’re interested in the 2014 weekend, let me know soon and I’ll get a brochure right out to you. Oh, and I require 100% payment up front- I’ve been burned before, Agnes.

Have a wonderful weekend with your family. I’ll think of you while nestled in my seaweed wrap.

Kim

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