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The Weekend in Crappy Pics!

August 5, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

We started off the weekend with a Friday night rave…for 4 year olds.

 

In the middle of this music blaring, black-light, moon bounce, birthday party, I received the following phone call from my son:

 

Collin: Hey mom, I have a question. Wait…why’s it so loud?

Me: SPEAK UP! WHAT?

Collin: I HAVE A QUESTION. CAN WE ADOPT ANOTHER DOG? THE PAPER SAYS IT’S AN ASIAN POODLE WITH ASIAN RELATED PROBLEMS.

Me: AN ASIAN POODLE WITH ASIAN RELATED PROBLEMS? WHAT ARE ASIAN RELATED PROBLEMS? (other mothers are now looking at me.)

Collin: I’M NOT SURE. BUT GRANDMOM THINKS IT MEANS IT POOPS A LOT. AND HERE’S THE BEST PART…IT’S FREE! CAN WE ADOPT IT, PLEASE?

Me: NO!

Collin: WHY NOT?

Me: *end call*

 

Music blaring, blinded by strobe lights, and my son screaming, “Can we adopt an Asian poodle with Asian related problems?”

I’ve never tried LSD but I imagine it’s a lot like those 2 minutes.

*Turns out, it was an aging poodle with aging related problems. Well, that makes more sense.

 

On Saturday, I had my hair highlighted:

 

and Brian said, “It doesn’t look like your natural color.” Trust me, I’d be pissed if I spent $100 and it did.

Then, after rotating the couch cushions, we spent the rest of the rainy day sitting on the couch, eating, and trying to ignore this:

Sunday was our 12 year wedding anniversary! My mom and dad offered to babysit so that Brian and I could enjoy a romantic dinner together at a nearby marina. But first, everyone had to get ready.

I applied whore-y eye makeup for the occasion, as I’ve forgotten how to do romantic.

And Ana…well Ana’s going through a clothing phase at the moment. She’ll pick 1 dress and wear it day after day until I pull it from her screaming, crying body and throw it in the wash. It’s not so bad when she clings to a cute dress, it actually saves us time…but then there’s this:

When we dropped her off, my dad asked, “Did she jump a clown for that outfit?”

Later that night, while the kids were in bed, Brian brought the fire pit onto the deck.

Let me ask you this- Did something ever happen, making you question all the decisions that led you to that moment? And did you think about how you’d explain those decisions to the Fire Marshall when he arrived?

A fire on our wooden deck, next to our cedar house with cedar roof, was not our best idea. But besides the occasional flare ups, it was pretty relaxing and a great way to end our anniversary. We’ll probably do it again tonight.

How was your weekend?

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics.

July 22, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

On Friday, Mr. Bojangles reminded me that all kinds of assholes use toilet paper.

 

On Saturday, my in-laws asked if we’d like the kids to sleep over at their house…as in, they made it an actual question. Bahahaha!

Brian said, “Let us talk it over” just so we didn’t seem desperate, knowing that if we pounced, they might run. But then we called back 30 seconds later to say “yes”. We couldn’t risk them changing their minds.

After slowing the car down to drop them off, we went to this wonderful organic farm-to-table restaurant. The place was absolutely gorgeous, the food was local, and the menu…

Us: “We’ll have the Noah’s Ark special, please.”

Waiter: “What’s that?”

Us: “Two of everything.”

And this was dessert….

I wanted to lick those glasses so badly.

On Sunday, I spent the majority of the day getting ready for Camp Cheapo!!!! That’s right folks, tomorrow kicks off season 2 of the cheapest summer camp ever! I will entertain neighborhood children all week with poorly organized activities, sub-par materials, and questionable decision making skills. And if there’s any educational value whatsoever, it’ll be by sheer coincidence.

Since Spring, I’ve been thinking about doing something really special and totally awesome for this year’s campers. Here’s my text to the parents:

And they know, that I know, that they all have deep Jacuzzi tubs, because we have the same builder. No getting out of this one.

However, when trying to procure the duck eggs this weekend, I found out some disappointing information.

1. Baby ducks imprint. Meaning that when they hatch, they’ll think the first person they see is their mother, and forever depend on that person as such. And since the only time I fly south is on US Air, I’m not really a good duck role model.

2. It apparently violates my neighborhood’s deed restrictions. Well, la dee da.

So I cancelled my egg pick-up and made a “Dunk Bucket” instead. It’s my cheapo version of a dunking booth. It’s no baby duck, but I hope the kids like it.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

July 15, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Remember my Tip for Tuesday?

Show your dog who’s Alpha by making him carry his own poop bag on your next walk!

Well, let’s just say that Mr. Bojangles is having some adjustment issues. Friday, after I took “The Shit Bag” (trademark pending) off of his collar, he walked into the middle of the street and plopped down.

I’m thinking this is the human equivalent of laying your body across some train tracks. Don’t worry, I crinkled a wrapper and he came running- though he was not amused to find out it was a tampon wrapper.

 

Friday evening, I used child labor to juice my limes. Shut up…maybe these were used for refreshing & organic ice pops and NOT margaritas. You don’t know.

 

As a thank you for all of her hard work, I bought her one of those “As Seen on TV” ice cream makers.

This is how that went:

 

 

No! Don’t give up now!

 

 

An “As Seen on TV” sucker enjoying her milkshake.

 

And look what arrived for me on Saturday! I guess my Cheapo Wino Reviews found their way to the PR department for Billy the Artist, so they sent me this free wine bottle holder for review! LOVE IT!

And it was just in time for the Saturday night event held at my local wine vineyard! And by “event” I mean me sitting on my ass, drinking wine, and listening to music- the opposite of eventful.

All of my friends ooh-ed and ahh-ed over it, plus it stood out so no one could “accidentally” wander off with my wine, thinking it was theirs. Vineyard people are sneaky bastards.

Want one? Check out the wine bags, plus all of his other gorgeous accessories here.

Oh, and this couple annoyed me just for trying too hard…

I bet they had real silverware, a candelabra, and a cheese wheel in that basket. Golly, I sound bitchy…

 

On Sunday, I gave our 3-legged dog a haircut. Afterwards, knowing my qualifications as a dog groomer (none) and my knack for humiliating my pets (PhD level, my friends. “P” to the “h” to the “D”), he quickly ran under the kitchen table and refused to come out.

Family comments like “What have you done?!” and “Wow, now his missing leg won’t be the first thing people talk about.” didn’t help.

As you can see here, he insisted on having his dinner delivered.

And after enough procrastination, I got down to making my Beaver Baby orders (my parents are so proud).

Then on Sunday night…get this…Mr. Bojangles stole 5 (Five, 1-2-3-4-5, cinco, 5.0) hot dogs from the counter! I heard Brian scream and saw Bo run out onto the deck with a hot dog hanging out of his mouth. Sadly, I missed the photo opp because I was enjoying a margarita w/ freshly squeezed lime juice. Shut up…I might have juiced them myself. You don’t know.

When Brian left this morning, he made me promise I’d follow Bo around, waiting for the inevitable diarrhea. And he was no joke, I had to swear with one hand on my heart and the other on my favorite bottle of wine. So I have my day planned. How was your weekend?

 

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The Weekend through Crappy Pics

July 1, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Friday

I had eyelash extensions applied! That’s right kids, this is my birthday week so I wanted to do it up all fancy-like.

BOOM!

“When I blink, I want it to look like a million tiny spiders are doing ‘the wave’.” – One Classy Motha

By the way, before you start talking smack about me, my nails look like shit and I haven’t shaved my legs in a week, so I can’t be all that high maintenance.

Surprisingly, the kids were great and kept relatively quiet for the whole 1 hour appointment. It’s probably because I promised them a picnic in the park afterwards…without ever once mentioning that the food I bought was organic and vegan approved.

Unfortunately for him, I’m lazy and the ATM happened to be next to the health food store.

Saturday

I practiced Parasite Parenting at the neighborhood pool. (Parasite Parenting: Weaseling your kids into another family’s fun while you relax)

Sunday

This happened:

My poor baby girl woke up with a 101 degree fever (probably from that damn Host Family). Thank goodness it turned out to be the “I just want to lay in your arms and rest” fever and not the “I think I’m going to vomit all over your face” fever.

So I used the unexpected downtime to apply for an awesome writing job:

 

Dear Mr. Wallace,

I’m very interested in the Freelance Copywriter position available at XYZ (name protected so you don’t steal my job). When I read that you were looking for someone who is social media savvy, loves XYZ, has basic HTML experience, and is extremely professional, I almost crapped my pants! This job is right up my margarita soaked alley!

As the creator, editor, writer, and publisher of www.oneclassymotha.com, I meet all of your requirements and I can do them while wiping someone else’s ass. Now THAT’S multi-tasking.

I understand that you’re offering an hourly pay rate, and I expect that it’s probably pretty low. That’s ok, Mr. Wallace, money isn’t everything. Though, I would like to make enough to pay cash for my 3-legged dog’s anal gland surgery rather than taking out a loan. The last encounter with my bank, regarding their 2012 Community Pet Contest, was extremely humiliating. In my defense, the registration packet never indicated there wasn’t a talent portion…and besides, who doesn’t love Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” played with musical urine glasses? (true-ish story)

Poor guy, it took him all day to fill them. 

I’ve attached my resume and a sample of my writing for you to read at your leisure, preferably while drinking an alcoholic beverage (it might make you just loosey goosey enough to actually offer me the job).

Ok then, I’ll be desperately waiting to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Kim

www.OneClassyMotha.com

 

I’m feeling really good about this one, guys.

 

I’ll love you forever and ever if you click the banner below…you do want my love, right?
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Do you want to see something other than crappy pics? Then check out my classy sponsor Amber Coleman, an It Works! Global Independent Distributor. She has some fabulous body pics (no, not those kind, you sicko)

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