پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

Thank you, dear veterans, for your service and sacrifice!

Today is Veteran’s Day. Consequently, it also marks the 1 year anniversary of the day I left Ana in the gym daycare and went home to eat eggs.

Want to feel better about your parenting? Then read this.

And now, crappy pics!

On Friday night, Brian and I put the kids into Kid’s Night Out at the gym, and went out to dinner.

Remember how Collin HATES Kids Night Out because he’s usually the oldest kid there and he’s forced to color cardboard magic wands or create macaroni art?  Well, this Friday wasn’t much better…

STORY TIME! I’m pretty sure “I hate my parents” was running on his mental loop.

Can you believe he never asked us if we enjoyed our meal?  So rude.

Saturday morning, much to even our surprise, we went to the gym as a family. Brian took a Spin class while Collin and I ran/walked 3 miles, and Ana went into Child Care (she held onto the car keys so we couldn’t forget her). Afterwards, we headed back home to shower, passing a park along the way.

Ana: Can we go to the park?

Brian: Not right now.

Ana: But I want to!

Brian: It’s shut down…um…someone pooped on the slide.

Collin: Oh right, I heard that on the news today. They said it’s smeared everywhere!

Me: Well, that stinks! Get it?

HAHAHAHA! Everyone laughed at my pun except Ana….

Saturday night, we went to Costco, Kohls, and then out to an Italian Restaurant for dinner.  Oddly, we were the youngest diners there and the most fashionably dressed…

After dropping a mint on fatty food all weekend, I decided to cook a nice healthy dinner Sunday Night…

That was stupid.

After dinner, I decided that I really, really, really, wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.  I should mention that we haven’t used the fireplace in 3 years because, well…ANA.  Now that she’s 4, I’m almost confident that she most likely won’t fling herself  full force into the “pretty light”.  But the first step was to open the flue and inspect…

By the way, I have a chimney sweep scheduled to come on Thursday.  That’s right, I’ve waited 3 years to light it, yet I couldn’t wait 4 more days. I imagine I’m a very frustrating person to live with.

Here’s some of the crap I pulled out myself…

Then, not knowing what could be living in our chimney, we held our breath and lit it.

And it worked! No one (or nothing) died in the making of this fire!

Then we all sat around it, ohhing and ahhing like cavemen until the last ember went out….

That was my favorite part of the weekend.

How was your weekend?

 

Need any tips on How to Supersize Your Engagement Ring? My girl Alyson, over at The Shitastrophy, has you covered!

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

On Friday night, we were supposed to be celebrating Collin’s birthday by shooting zombies with paintball guns while riding on the back of a military vehicle, but Mother Nature had to shit all over our plans with rain.
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So instead, we had an impromptu house partaaay in our basement.

After guzzling a Cosmopolitan for emotional support, I opened the basement door and was immediately assaulted by blaring music, disco lights, and the stench of a thousand camels. It was like a frat party without the alcohol & hooking up. …I miss college (sigh)

I only made it halfway down the steps before turning around and swearing not to return until I either had another Cosmo or everyone left. And in an attempt to be somewhat responsible, I chose the latter…

The Aftermath

 

In their defense, it was my idea to write on the wall- I’m repainting the basement anyway (notice the big ass blue sample). HOWEVER, I totally meant for them to write “Happy Birthday” messages, I wasn’t prepared for:

 

Stick it to the man?

It’s not my fault unicorns poop?

Apparently, my fake dog shit party favors were entirely appropriate for his crowd.

 

On Saturday, Collin’s school had a Fall Festival. To give the appearance of being a contributing member of our community, I decided at the last minute to volunteer for the Crazy Hair booth. When signing up, I thought to myself, “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), you’ve spray painted tons of furniture, it’s probably just like that.” Except Candy Ass forgot that furniture doesn’t carry head lice. No wonder the position was open.

 

At least Ana seemed excited about it:

But somewhere in those 3 minutes she changed her mind…but I said, “Too damn bad.”

 

Sunday was Collin’s actual birthday and I served him breakfast in bed,-homemade waffles! We also had the following conversation:

 

Me to Collin: We can go anywhere you like for dinner.

Brian: (pulling me aside) Whoa whoa whoa! We just spent a crap load of money on a party and a Nintendo 3DS, now we’re spending money on a nice dinner?

Collin: I want to go to Taco Bell!

Brian: Great idea! Anything for you, buddy!

 

Cheapest birthday dinner ever!

How was your weekend?

 

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Wants some funny? Visit my girl Alyson over at The Shitastrophy! Trust me, she’s on a roll with bad baby names!

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

On Friday, I snapped!

We’ve lived in this 25 year old house for 8 years now, and on Friday I walked into the laundry room and decided “Enough is enough!”

I present to you The Worst Laundry Room in America…

It’s like the room is the spin cycle.

I started ripping off shelves, hooks, wallpaper…anything that I could break or tear with my bare hands. I must admit, I looked a little unhinged but it felt great…until I pulled a muscle in my neck while screaming “Die! Die! Die!” a little too enthusiastically.

When Brian came home and walked into the laundry room, he clutched his wallet and cried “What was wrong with the laundry room the way it was?” I assured him that I could do this on a *budget.

*I’m sure my idea of a budget is much more realistic than his, so we’ll just go by mine.

 

On Saturday, I took a break from the laundry room project and we went to a corn maze…at a winery! C’mon, you didn’t see that coming?

This was the same corn maze we went to last year, the one where I got lost with the kids for hours and quietly decided which one I would eat first if we were stranded for days.

What’s the most ridiculous and least helpful phrase one can utter while in a corn maze? (which was heard no less than 50 times)

“This looks familiar…follow me.”

Familiar? Really? You remember encountering that right hand turn surrounded by those cornstalks? Well, that’s freaking faaanstastic!!! Hallelujah, it looks familiar!!! I can almost taste the Chardonnay that’s waiting for me back at the picnic table. Well, lead the way, Pocahontas.

We also did corn cob shooting. But of course, right?

This bike thingy. Ana treated the track like her own personal roller derby, running people off the road at every opportunity.

 

And then there’s this, a paint can of wine.

And this is what happens when a group of mommies drink wine next to a bounce house…

There were chickens. Why? I have no clue.

“Mom, I wish we had chickens that pooped out eggs for us.” Me too, Ana, me too.

Not surprisingly, aided by children, the chickens later escaped and fled to the woods. But surprisingly, Ana was not involved. I did, however, inform a winery employee who looked shocked and said, “I don’t even know what to do with that information, this has never happened before. DAVE! THE CHICKENS ARE GONE!”

I started to walk away but, deciding to take this rare opportunity, I turned around and smugly said, “Oh, and my daughter had nothing to do with it.” That felt weird.

 

On Sunday, I painted that son-of-a-bitch!

And I’ve got bigger and better plans for this room, stay tuned! (I think I heard Brian cry)

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Weekend in Crappy Pics!

 

On Friday morning, I woke up to Collin screaming in my face, “Wake up! It’s Moms and Muffins day! Wake up! Wake up! I said, MOMS AND MUUUUFFFINSS!

Holy shit Oprah, put the bugle down and back the hell up.

Later that afternoon, while driving Ana to a “drop-off” birthday party (hell, yeah!), I received the following email…

After I finished pissing my pants, I gave her a buzz. 

They were in the midst of considering a segment, and wanted to know if I’d like to come up to NYC on Tuesday and be on the show as part of a “moms” panel.  They were looking for funny moms that “tell it like it is”.  A little voice in my head said “Oh, you’ll ‘tell it like it is’ alright, and this will end with you writing personal apology letters to all of your friends & family.” But I told that little voice to shut up, this was Bethenny!

You guys would have been so proud, I played it totally cool on the phone with phrases like “That sounds great”, “Sure, Id love to”, and “No problemo” (ok, not so proud of that last phrase). 

I’m honestly not sure how I managed to talk AND hold down my vomit. 

I was so excited at the idea of meeting Bethenny!  I was equally excited to spend a night in a hotel alone, not to mention someone else doing my hair and makeup the next morning!  I was kinda hoping they’d have someone to shave my legs for me too, but I wasn’t sure how to ask.

Sadly, I received an email later that day that the segment had been cut. But the producer said she hoped to keep in touch and work with me in the future! You know what that means?! I have more time to lose those damn 15 pounds before the camera adds 10!  Wait…do you think they say that to everyone? Nah.

I’m totally sending Bethenny a Beaver Baby.

On Saturday, we went to our neighborhood Pig Roast. But before leaving the house, I explained to the kids that we wouldn’t be eating the pig because its whole body (with head) would be on display. “It’s so sad and barbaric!” I cried.  Then I explained the definition of a hypocrite as I finished my Bacon, Egg, & Cheese sandwich with a side of ham.  If I’m anything, it’s self-aware.

The Pig Roast is always a great time.  There’s a moonbounce, music, food, drinks, games, face painting…

Some things change while others stay the same.

My little girl is growing up…to be deceitful.

The “Wrecking Ball” thingamajig was new this year.  When I first saw it, I thought it looked pretty dangerous…

but 3 glasses of Chardonnay & 20 sugar cookies later, here we were…

 

She was scrappy but I still managed to take her down.

 

On Sunday, we took Collin to Flag football practice.  If you’ve read the last two “Weekend in Crappy Pics”, you know that Ana has attached herself like a “parasite” to a “host” family during these practices…like a tick to a dog…or a tapeworm to intestines. Who knows how they think of her.

When we arrived yesterday, I saw Ana’s other mother sitting across the field, under a tree.  She must have sensed us heading her way because she looked up, and when our eyes met, I immediately recognized the survivalist flight instinct (I see it in the mirror everyday).

“Shhh, Ana. Move veerrry slowly, we don’t want to scare her.”

The phrase ‘It’s more afraid of us than we are of it’ was probably never more appropriate.

Not one to listen, Ana started running full force across the field, arms flailing, lungs screaming.  She reminded me of one those reunions shows, where both parties run towards each other, ready to slam into an emotional embrace, only Ana’s family ran behind a tree and completely disappeared. DISAPPEARED! POOF! How? I need to learn that trick.

 

I had to explain to her that they didn’t want her anymore and that it probably had something to do with her torturing their dog, Grumbles. She was a little hurt and a lot pissed but she calmed down by pulling out her My Little Pony and combing its hair with my new toothbrush.

 

On the way back to the car, she pulled on my arm and whispered “Look mom, a little pet is sleeping. Shhh. Can we take a picture of him? He’s so cute!”

What is that?

upon closer inspection…

A Dead Rat

 And so the rest of the day was spent talking about the “sleeping” rat and why he might be so tired.

How was your weekend?

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