As promised, here’s day 3 of our Florida trip. I’m sure you’ve been biting your nails just waiting. So where was I? Oh yeah, day 3 of our Florida trip (you can read the other days here & here).
We left Tampa in our teeny tiny rental car and headed to Orlando- the first stop, our hotel.
Apparently, my period was due, only I didn’t know it until I stood at the hotel check-in desk questioning my “that’s just humidity I’m feeling down there” theory. Well, humidity doesn’t ruin your new, fancy underwear. Bad scene guys, bad scene.
*Tip: Always keep tampons in your suitcase! Thank goodness I follow my own tips.
After settling in and “cleaning up”, we drove to our favorite little town, Celebration, Fl. As we were entering the town, we came to a road where we had to turn right or left.
Brian: What do you think? Should we go right or left?
Me: I think we screwed this up last time. I say right.
Brian: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, definitely right.
So we went right…
“…definitely right”
So after making a u-turn, we arrived in this adorable “white picket fence” community and did some shopping! Ok, I did some shopping, Brian sat on a lot of benches and took pictures.
About halfway into my shopping expedition, I developed this crippling headache- but damn it, I’m no quitter! I asked Brian if he happened to have an aspirin. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a plain, white pill that he was “pretty sure” was an aspirin. Pretty sure? Shouldn’t you be sure about that kind of shit before offering it?
Swallowing that pill required a lot of trust…and as an avid watcher of Dateline with Keith Morrison, I developed a whole episode in my head while debating what to do:
Keith Morrison: “They seemed like a happy couple by all accounts. Friends described them as a fun couple who got along, enjoyed spending time together, and constantly doted on one another (silly friends). That’s why, what happened in the winter of 2013, in the picturesque community of Celebration, shocked everyone. A loving, caring, beautiful, wife’s life was cut short by poison! Their “celebration” had ended.”
On the real show, this pic would be split apart for effect.
They would title the show “Little White Lies, Little White Pill”
So what did I do? I took a picture of that pill and emailed it to my mother…just in case. When I swallowed it, Brian smiled and I crossed my fingers.
I was still alive when my headache went away, so that’s good. He made me apologize for doubting him.
After shopping, we went to the Columbia Restaurant for dinner. We love this place!
It was a lovely dinner…until I used the restroom.
*I want you to keep in mind that I was wearing flip flops (the reason for stating this will be obvious in a second).
So I’m in my stall, sitting on a toilet seat (lined with toilet paper like my momma taught me), when this lady enters the stall next to me. Suddenly, I hear this high-pressure, watery gush! It was like a damn cork popped and champagne was going everywhere. Only, it wasn’t champagne, it was this lady’s urine! OMG! She’s a hoover-er* and she missed! She missed! She missed! (*squatting over a toilet to pee)
WAAAHH! Her urine bounced and splashed onto MY foot! I wanted to cry but instead I held real still, partly from the shock but also because I wanted to save her the embarrassment. That’s right, she peed on my foot and I was concerned about her feelings.
So as I sat frozen, she grabbed some paper towels from the sink area, threw them down, and smeared it around with her size 7 Reebok sneaker. Oh yes, I paid close attention to that shoe so that I could identify the culprit later.
As soon as she vacated the restroom, I ran to the sink and proceeded to wash my feet, my shoes, my memory of the whole disgusting thing. And of course, as I had my foot hoisted in the air, a staff member walked in. I explained to her what happened, down to the Reebok. Her mouth said “Oh, that’s so awful!” but the look in her eyes said, “Let’s drop the act, we both know it was you.”
We had Bread Pudding for dessert, it was great.
AAAAAAGHGHHGH! A LADY PEED ON MY FOOT!
