پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Tips for Tuesday! One classy Motha’s gift ideas!

December 18, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Friday’s tragic events have left me feeling a little bit unfunny and tremendously sad. Needless to say, I’m having trouble getting my humor on. But shopping always perks me up, so for today’s post I thought that I would do a crappy version of “Oprah’s Favorite Things”.

Here’s a list of some great gift ideas (according to me) which Oprah would never endorse, purchase, or use.

Vino2Go – For the person who has everything except a wine glass that doesn’t spill when they’re drunk. This is available through The Product Farm…but damn it, I went to order it and it’s sold out! Son of a bitch!!! I thought I’d tell you about it anyway so you can place your order for Valentine’s day. Though I’m sure some asshole is selling it on ebay right now for $99 if you want to head over there, place your bid, and come back. I’ll wait.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat by Jen of the blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat.

Do you want to read a heartwarming book that fills your soul with all sorts of holiday fuzzies? Well, I can’t help you there. But if you want a great laugh with that “I’m going to hell” feeling then head over to amazon.com and buy this book! It’s also available on kindle.

Beardhead.com I love these hats!!! But not a damn person in my family will wear one, not even to make me a little bit happy. So can you buy one, take a pic of someone in your family wearing it, and send it to me? It’ll give me a laugh AND I’ll show it to my family as a way to say “why can’t you be more like them”.

The company makes several styles. They even make baby ones! LOVE!

Birdcage Umbrella – I cannot wait to get this! Do you know how many times I’ve walked into a pole while holding an umbrella (and without)? Lots. With this umbrella, I’ll not only be able to see where I’m going but I’ll also stay dry from that damn slanted rain. AND this is the umbrella made for the Queen of England. That’s classy enough for me. check it out here. P.S. They make them for kids too!

Wine Rack – Simply brilliant! This is a sports bra that has a bladder insider where you can keep your favorite beverage. The hose allows you to pour drinks or sip directly from it! And good news…they’re on sale right now! This would make a great gift for your flat chested BFF! Going up a boob size has never tasted so good! Get one here.

*I do need to point out that it looks like she had a boob job and the tube is a bloody drainage tube. Did I just kill the sale?

Pull My Finger Santa – Would it surprise you to know that we’ve had a PMF Santa for years? While other famlies kick off their Christmas with the lighting of the tree, ours begins with the pulling of the finger. FAAARRT “Ho Ho Ho, Now that’s a stocking stuffer!” It’s a cherished family tradition. You can start your own PMF Santa tradition buy purchasing one here.

XL Wine Glass – OMG! This wine glass holds a WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE! A whole bottle! Do you know what this means? I can say “I only had one glass of wine last night” with a straight face. I have no more words. Get it here!

Squeezable Boob Creamer – C’mon, tell me you didn’t just spit out your coffee when you saw this! This would make a great gift for…um…um…someone in your mommy’s play group? The company suggests you buy two of them for a more realistic look. Get ’em here.

Time to pitch my own stuff…

Beaver Babies: A vagucational tool – Why explain the miracle of birth when you can simply toss this reversible vagina to your kids and walk away? Let Beaver Babies unravel the mystery for them.

Here’s what people are saying about Beaver Babies…

“Brilliant….but disturbing” Jamie Salvatori, owner of www.vat19.com

“That’s what happens when you cross my creativity with your father’s sick sense of humor” Linda, my mother

“What the hell have you done?!” Brian, my exasperated husband

“Where’s the other slipper?” Ana, age 3

This also makes a great gift for the mother-to-be. Each Beaver Baby can be either a girl or boy, and customized to match your skin tone and hair color (including pubic). Read more about Beaver Babies and enter a giveawayhere.

To place an order or to receive a free crappy tutorial, contact me at kim@oneclassymotha.com.

To Bliss and Back (Life Well Blogged) by Abbey Fatica & Monica Merrill-Mylet

I AM IN THIS BOOK! Isn’t that reason enough to rush out and buy it? no? ok, bitch. Then how about this:

To Bliss And Back explores the hilarity that we all experience when confronted with the ups and downs of relationships and marriage. Join the thousands of readers that enjoy these stories posted by the titans of the blogging industry on a daily basis. What could be better than a personal time-out to read and wrap yourself in laughter this season?

Buy one for you, your mother, your BFF, and the lady that waxes your hooha. You can read more about the book and purchase it here. Or do you want to win one?!!!!

GIVEAWAY – I’ll be giving away an ebook to a lucky lucky reader! All you have to do is leave a comment and you’ll be entered into a random drawing! The drawing will take place on Thursday, because I really don’t have any plans that day.

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In the meantime, if you find any “OMG! I sooo need to get this for someone”, leave a comment below with a link to the site so I can buy it or pimp it out on my pinterest board.

Now go out there and make me proud by buying some crazy shit!

;

6 Comments Filed Under: Tips, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Free Advice Friday – Marriage tips that may or may not help.

November 30, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I saw your marriage tip on twitter and was wondering if you had any other great advice.

Sincerely,

Monica in Ballandchain, AZ

 

Dear Monica,

I assume you’re referring to my tweet:

“@MothaKim: I keep my marriage exciting by occasionally surprising him w/ little things, like making dinner & shaving my legs. #MarriageTips”

As you know, I’m here on Fridays with the sole purpose of helping you, my reader. However, because my advice is free, I can only offer you a few tips on marriage, otherwise I might hurt the sales of my soon to be released book, “L is for Love…& Lobotomy”    If you want all my secrets, it’s going to cost you $9.99 plus S&H.  And I’d appreciate it if you wrote a great Amazon review afterwards.

Not that you asked about it, but let me give you a little background on how my book came to be.  After I was “let go” from my anger management counseling position at Franklin Upper County University (FUC-U) I found a new job as a relationship coach.   Ok, technically my title was jewelry salesperson, but when selling an engagement ring to couples, I often found myself giving unsolicited relationship advice.  I didn’t sell many rings but I did realize my dream of someday self-publishing my own book.  And here I am Monica, here I am.

Here are a few tips. Consider them a teaser for all the sage advice my book will offer.

Tip #1 – I believe every man should come home to the smell of a delicious home cooked meal. That’s why I’ve developed a line of time released air fresheners called “I Cooked Faux You”.  They’re guaranteed to fill the air with the aroma of French onion soup at 5pm, pot roast at 5:30pm and chocolate chip cookies at 5:45.  Every purchase comes with an enclosed coupon for a Domino’s large pizza.

Tip #2 – Like what your husband likes.  For example, my husband says he loves Hooter’s Restaurant because they have the best wings.  And because his happiness is important to me, I told him we can go there every week.  He drives me up to the door and I grab our take-out.  Lately he seems to be losing interest in them. Weird.

Tip #3 – Spice things up in the bedroom by role playing.  But just be careful what you ask for.  Last week I asked him to be the mailman and he went along with it, but I could sense he was uncomfortable.  It’s probably because I use to date our mailman.

Tip #4 – If you’re in a heated argument and you want to win, just take your clothes off.  Men are simple creatures.  It will work.  Just don’t do it in couples therapy, I’m told they frown on that type of conflict resolution.

Monica, I hope I’ve given you some golden nuggets that you can use to improve your relationship.  I assume I have, because if you’re coming to me for advice you’ve already hit rock bottom, it can only go up from there.

Good Luck on the whole marriage thing!

Kim

4 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: , ,

Tips for Tuesday! Arts & Crap Holiday Project

November 27, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Today I’m going to show you how to make a beautiful and simple holiday arrangement.  It’s the perfect gift to give to your babysitter, your kid’s teacher, the lady who waxes your bikini area – basically anyone who deserves more than a card but less than a kidney.

And the best part, it can be made with everyday items that you probably have laying around your house.

Let’s get started!

Supplies

1. a clear liquor bottle (vodka, dark rum, whiskey, etc)

2. maxi pads / panty liners

3. blue construction paper

4. a branch from the back of your Christmas tree

5. scissors

 

 

Steps

1.  Empty your clear liquor bottle…

 and remove the label.

*For instructions on “how to remove labels”, visit a Martha Stewart tutorial or something and come back here.

2.  Tightly roll up the blue construction paper and insert into the bottle.

3.  remove the backing of the maxi pads and apply horizontally around the bottom half of the bottle, creating a soft snowy ground against the blue sky.

4.  Using panties liners, cut out snowflakes or stars.  Remove the backings and apply them to the bottle.

5.  Remove a limb from your Christmas tree or outdoor bush and insert into the bottle.

6.  Write a seasonal message in the snow to your special someone.  I recommend using a festive red marker.  Remember, if you’re using an extra absorbency pad, you’ll probably need to write the message over and over again until it no longer disappears.

7.  Decorate your tree!  You might want to consider using ornaments, pictures, or battery operated lights.  The kids and I decided it would be fun to add faux icicles.

 

Happy Holidays, Mrs. McGurtle!

This project makes a great alternative to the scented candles and coffee mugs.  It truly says “From our dysfunctional home to yours!”

 

 

17 Comments Filed Under: Tips, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Tips for Tuesday! Want a better restaurant experience?

November 20, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Before I tell you today’s tip, I need to give you a little back story. I’ll try to keep it brief and leave out some of the bitching. (If you skim the text you’ll see I had problems keeping it brief)

About a year ago, Brian and I decided that we were going to try a new downtown restaurant because a few of our friends had been there and had given it a thumbs up. We were excited but, like any abnormal couple, we needed to do a little research first.

After a few days of reading reviews, memorizing the online menu, interviewing past guests, and studying the floor plans provided to us by the county, we made a reservation for two.

Advice: When choosing a restaurant, choose it like you’re looking for a life partner.

Our Dinner

The restaurant was modern but warm, and beautifully decorated. We were seated in a one-bench curved booth, the kind where you’re forced to sit awkwardly next to one another while watching other diners eat.  I ordered a martini. Problem solved.

But problems began again when the food was served. ugh.  I get so bent out of shape when discussing this meal that I don’t even want to get into it…so much was wrong. Food was sent back, ingredients were missing, etc.  And believe it or not, before that night, we had never sent anything back to a kitchen…ever!  They had turned us into “those people”.

breathe kim. breathe.

The Fallout

Brian hates to bitch or complain to anyone unless it’s to (or about) friends or family. So imagine my surprise when he wrote a letter to the owner of the restaurant to inform him of our disappointment.  I was very proud of him…and then this happened…

We received a response from the owner saying that he had taken our letter seriously.  Turns out he was not in the restaurant that evening and had left his sous chef in charge.  As a result of our letter, he demoted the sous chef and fired the pastry chef. AND he shared our letter with his staff.  OH SHIT.

Later that evening, as we were laying in bed, we heard a car with a loud muffler slowly cruising down the street, then we heard a loud boom, then the car tearing away.  We glanced out the window and saw nothing out of the ordinary, so we went back to sleep.

In the morning, I found our mailbox on the ground decorated with a size 12 shoe print.

Me: “Hey Brian, by any chance did you put your last name and address on that letter?”

Him: “Maybe”  He totally did. Classic rookie move.

 

Your Tip is coming (that’s what she said! sorry)

Thanks for being so patient.  The obvious tip is to use a fake name when complaining but that’s not where I’m going with this.

We received a coupon recently for this very same restaurant.  Well, maybe not recently. We’ve been sitting on this coupon like it were a ticking time bomb.  But we decided to give it one more try because we’re twisted and beg for abuse like that.

We made the reservations under my maiden name and planned to pay in cash for fear that we would be identified. So now that our identities were safe, how could I ensure we would be served a well cooked meal? hmmm? Then I found the answer waiting for me at the bottom of my margarita (where all the best ideas are kept)…

PRETEND TO BE A FOOD CRITIC!

You’ll need:

1. glasses

2. a professional looking notebook (do not use your kid’s Spongebob folder)

3. a pen (again, not your kid’s)

4. a judgemental expression (fortunately, this comes natural to me)

 

Steps:

1. When you first sit down, relax, chit chat with the waiter, order your drink.

2.  When the waiter comes back, ask him his name. When he answers, pull out your notebook, ask him how he spells it (I don’t care if his name is Bob, ask him), and jot it down. He’ll ask why you’re writing his name down and you should answer very cryptically “Just curious. This is absolutely NOT for a food column” *wink*

3.  As each course is served, I want you to pull out your notebook, take a bite of food, nod, jot notes. And look bitchy while doing it. Like this…

Of course, you can take real notes if you like.  But I prefer to spend my time drawing scenes from my life.

“My Mornings” by K.S.

I recommend you continue your notes right through dessert and into your after-dinner cordial.  Though Brian didn’t think that was necessary…

4. Once the waiter hands you the bill and says “Have a great night folks!”, you can either give up the gig or really round out your performance with a “Can I quote you on that?”.  It’s up to you and your acting ability.

I believe this is a fool-proof way to experience the best food and service that a restaurant is capable of providing.  And I must say, we had a terrific meal thanks to me- but Brian thinks it was a coincidence.  I swear I don’t get enough credit in this household, so try this and validate me, please.

1 Comment Filed Under: Tips, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,
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