Helllllo! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, we certainly did!
On Wednesday, we received our first ever shitload of firewood from a nearby company, which the delivery guy said would burn “…long, hot, strong, and clean.” I thought he was flirting with me until he used the adjective ‘clean’.
This was my first time stacking wood, but judging by my “can-do” attitude, suede wedge boots, faux leopard gloves, and trusty Lil’ Red Wagon, you’d never know it.
On Thursday, we went to Brian’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving, and we had a fabulous time- the food was great, the company was great, Ana didn’t break anything that couldn’t be fixed. What more could we ask for?
It was a perfect night…until we were leaving the neighborhood and passed this:
First of all, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON THANKSGIVING??? Nothing pisses me off more! Unless, of course, that sonofabitch has Easter eggs stashed under his shrubs.
And secondly, those lights are on the inside of the home- the inside, people! Find me in twenty years when the authorities are looking for the “Christmas Light Strangler”, I’ll direct them to the poor kid that grew up in this house.
Then, as we turned the corner, things went from nauseating to utterly disturbing:
Umm, WTF is happening here?
Let’s take a closer, creepier look:
I’m praying it’s a Halloween costume. If so, I bet I know which house he lives in.
Every Black Friday is the same for us: we wake up around 8am, search the internet for the Walmart death toll, shake our heads, then put up our Christmas decorations while thanking our lucky stars that we have zero interest in getting off our lazy asses in an attempt to save a buck.
I know, for most families, the lighting of the Christmas tree signifies the beginning of the Christmas season, but we, at the One Classy Motha household, have our own way of kicking things off:
The Pull My Finger Santa
It’s a very sacred tradition.
Once the family gathers around, I gently lift Santa from his custom made, satin lined box, as each child secretly hopes they’ll be the one chosen to flip the ON switch buried in the deep recesses of his ass. This year it was Ana, and she handled the responsibility with all the grace and maturity of a 4 year old “Hey Collin, my finger’s in his buuuuttttt!”
Then, taking a cue from The Lion King, I hold a gassy St. Nick high above my head and proclaim, “And I say unto ye, let there be Christmas Farts!” My family erupts into a frenzy of cheering and fabricated fart sounds as tears of joy roll down their plump little cheeks, cutting through the pizza grease.
Then I do it. I pull Santa’s finger. AND. IT. IS. MAGICAL. “FAAART…ho ho ho, now that’s a stocking stuffer!”
Christmas has officially begun!
Occasionally, after all the hoopla dies down, Brian tries to pretend he’s above us. After watching Ana & I laugh at Santa for over 15 minutes straight on Friday night:
Brian: This whole family is disgusting! You think Pam Anderson is walking around with a Farting Santa? No! She’s busy finding ways to make her husband happy.
Me: Pam Anderson is divorced.
Brian: You think Carmen Electra is walking around with a Farting Santa? No! She’s busy finding ways to make her husband happy.
Me:…
Brian: …divorced too?
Me: Yup.
Me: Hey, maybe if they had focused more on Farting Santa and less on their husband’s happiness, they’d still be married? I think we’re doing something right.
Saturday evening, we decorated the tree. I was supposed to visit my friend afterwards but…
In case you think I’m exaggerating…
On Sunday morning, Mr. Bojangles tumbled down our steep ass stairs for the second time in a week.
Our children have been falling down the stairs for years, with my response being nothing more than a yawn and a “We should probably do something about that” But when the dog fell, I was like “Oh, hell no!” I ran right out, bought all the supplies, and laid the runner myself.
Aww, does my little Bozie Wozie feel safey wafey now?
Oh, and guess what I bought this weekend?
Scissors, you sicko.
I have a ton more pics from this week but I’m sure you have a life you need to get back to, so I’ll just leave you with this:
(Excuse my Bronchitis laugh)
[embedit snippet=”pull-my-finger-santa”]
How was your week?
It’s getting super close to Christmas! You can find the perfect PERSONALIZED holiday gifts from my sponsor GiftsForYou.com. I swear they have something in every price range!
