Dear Kim,

I dared to venture out to the local mall ” to get out of the house” with not one but two children, a two and a half year old and a 4 month old. I rarely take on this feat solo and told myself “the woman across the street has five children…what’s my excuse”.

As I was browsing the Disney store it hit me…like a knife stabbing….if I didn’t swoop up the toddler now I was going to shit my pants. What do I do? Brave the public restroom with two kids or “bet on black” and attempt the ride home (1/2 a mile). Well…I wasn’t making it out the door so I sprinted with a two man snap and go and verbally prepped the two year old” do not touch a thing in the bathroom, you sit in this stroller and keep our hands to yourself”. I was desperate…the thought of bringing them into a public restroom made me want to vomit at the same time.

I barely made it…ever time my daughter would move I would yell ” don’t touch a thing”….followed by an assplosion. The dirty was done…I felt filthy and violated. I think I’d rather shit my pants and deal with it later. So, the question is…how does such a classy lady handle a public restrooms with young children?

Desperately seeking answers,

Mom of 2 flagged kids in Shitcinnatti, OH

Dear Flaggie,

You’ve come to the right place. Did you know that, in some circles, I’m known as “The Poopologist”? I have an uncanny ability to determine what you’ve eaten and the current state of your health by merely glancing at your crap. It’s truly a gift. I’m like the palm reader of the fecal world.

As a poopologist, I’m all too aware of the diseases that can spread through shit. That’s why, when Ana accompanies me to a public bathroom I have her wear the “Shit Mitt”.

The Shit Mitt is simply an over-sized pair of gloves clipped to the child’s sleeve. This will prevent the child’s hand from coming in contact with any cooties that happen to be laying around. When you’re done using the restroom, just remove the Shit Mitt with a doggie poop bag, and throw it in the washer upon returning home.

*When choosing your perfect Shit Mitt, make sure they are durable enough to withstand multiple washings and the occasional bleaching.

 
For those children who are Shit Mitt savvy, I suggest using Chinese Finger Traps.

Hey kids, Chinese finger traps are a fun and festive alternative to touching diseases!

Now occasionally, I’ll come across the kid who throws off the Shit Mitt, figures out the Chinese finger traps, and defies all reasoning by licking the bathroom floor. For that child, I’ve developed the Fecal (does) Matter Program.

The Fecal (does) Matter Program is a “feces centered” scare tactic program that I created with help from some of the top Google results pages in the country. It skillfully addresses both public restroom germ education and prevention.

I can’t tell you the details of my program without you first sending me some money, but I can tell you that every participant receives a “Fecal (does) Matter” preventative t-shirt (sm-med. sizes only). This t-shirt carries our logo and is cleverly designed with sleeves that have been sewn shut. Simply slip it over their heads when you’re in a nasty stall and it’ll keep those little hands from touching disgusting bathroom stuff.

A happy graduate of the program!

I’m proud to say that I’ve traveled to many schools delivering my presentation with a high success rate. Alright, maybe they were home schools…and maybe by home schools, I mean homes…and by homes, I mean 1 home…but that kid was very receptive. In fact, he now refuses to even touch a toilet. Sure, he’s back to shitting his pants, but his hands are germ free and his parents couldn’t be happier!

Flaggie, I hope I was able to give you some ideas and options that work for you and your little germ catchers. Let me know if you’d be interested in receiving a free trial Fecal (does) Matter DVD, it’s basically a slide show of me using antibacterial soap but I think it’ll give you a real feel for the program.

Until then, keep your ass clean and your kids cleaner,

Kim

 
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