Ana is, dare I say it…finally potty trained (mostly). She’s a stubborn and apparently lazy child who simply prefers the ability to pee or poop while finger painting. I can’t blame her though, as you know I appreciate any idea that allows one to multitask. Honestly, I’d be tempted to wear Depends if they didn’t create such a puffy panty line under my all day/everyday yoga pants.

The one issue we’re still having is getting Ana to initiate a poop in the potty. She’ll hold it and hold it until we threaten to throw her bunny blanket away. Of course we wouldn’t really throw it away, we’d just kinda hang it out of the window calling her bluff- like the squirrel incident. It mostly works.

Well we went out to dinner and I noticed that Ana was looking very uncomfortable, holding her butt with one hand and coloring with the other. I suggested that she might want to use the bathroom but she refused claiming that she didn’t have to go. Now if these last few years have taught me anything it’s that children lie.

Me- Oh darn, I was hoping you would poop so we could buy a ‘congratulations for pooping’ gift.

Collin- Hey! I’ve been pooping in the toilet for years and I don’t get any gifts.

Me- Ok Collin, tell you what…go to school tomorrow and crap your pants then come home and use the potty. Afterwards we’ll go out and get you a present to celebrate. Deal?

Collin- No way, that’s disgusting.

Me- That’s right. You see, not being embarrassed by publicly crapping your pants is a little gift you give yourself everyday. (pat on the back) Way to go!

Now at the mention of a present, Ana decides to try to poop in the restaurant bathroom after all. And after 8 grueling trips back and fourth, she finally has success. She then decided  to share her good fortune by running out of the restroom yelling “Daddy, Daddy, I did it! I pooped and it was a BIG one!” her arms stretched open to express its enormity. Diners eating the meatloaf pushed their plates away.

Afterwards we headed over to a book store to buy her a poopy prize (Yes, my children love books and they still consider buying one as a reward…it’s one of the few areas where I think I did something right).

She looks through all of the wonderful choices, makes some grabs, and comes back to me with 8 books.

Me- Ana, I said 1 book, not 8. You need to make a choice. Which one is your favorite?

Ana- But mom…(flabbergasted) it was a BIG poop so I need more books!

This is where our miscommunication becomes evident. See I thought this whole reward system was based on a flat poop rate but apparently she was charging by the ounce. Clearly negotiations had begun.

Me- ok fine, I’m going to put a value on your poop of $3.99, that’s 1 book.

Ana- No, I need 8 books.

Me- You think your poop is worth $32? Were gold nuggets glistening in it? Or is it so rare that people around the world would pay to view it? Or maybe it contains a unique enzyme that, when carefully harvested, can cure male pattern baldness? Tell me.

Ana- Yes yes yes and yes. (remember, children lie)

Me- No, none of the above. And its not worth $32, unless you can promise me that I’ll find diamonds inside.

Ana- You will. (lies, all lies)

But you know, I thought, she’s been holding that poop so damn long that maybe there are some diamonds in it. So I bought 8 books and considered it an investment.

“My poop is priceless”