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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

Remember my Tip for Tuesday?

Show your dog who’s Alpha by making him carry his own poop bag on your next walk!

Well, let’s just say that Mr. Bojangles is having some adjustment issues. Friday, after I took “The Shit Bag” (trademark pending) off of his collar, he walked into the middle of the street and plopped down.

I’m thinking this is the human equivalent of laying your body across some train tracks. Don’t worry, I crinkled a wrapper and he came running- though he was not amused to find out it was a tampon wrapper.

 

Friday evening, I used child labor to juice my limes. Shut up…maybe these were used for refreshing & organic ice pops and NOT margaritas. You don’t know.

 

As a thank you for all of her hard work, I bought her one of those “As Seen on TV” ice cream makers.

This is how that went:

 

 

No! Don’t give up now!

 

 

An “As Seen on TV” sucker enjoying her milkshake.

 

And look what arrived for me on Saturday! I guess my Cheapo Wino Reviews found their way to the PR department for Billy the Artist, so they sent me this free wine bottle holder for review! LOVE IT!

And it was just in time for the Saturday night event held at my local wine vineyard! And by “event” I mean me sitting on my ass, drinking wine, and listening to music- the opposite of eventful.

All of my friends ooh-ed and ahh-ed over it, plus it stood out so no one could “accidentally” wander off with my wine, thinking it was theirs. Vineyard people are sneaky bastards.

Want one? Check out the wine bags, plus all of his other gorgeous accessories here.

Oh, and this couple annoyed me just for trying too hard…

I bet they had real silverware, a candelabra, and a cheese wheel in that basket. Golly, I sound bitchy…

 

On Sunday, I gave our 3-legged dog a haircut. Afterwards, knowing my qualifications as a dog groomer (none) and my knack for humiliating my pets (PhD level, my friends. “P” to the “h” to the “D”), he quickly ran under the kitchen table and refused to come out.

Family comments like “What have you done?!” and “Wow, now his missing leg won’t be the first thing people talk about.” didn’t help.

As you can see here, he insisted on having his dinner delivered.

And after enough procrastination, I got down to making my Beaver Baby orders (my parents are so proud).

Then on Sunday night…get this…Mr. Bojangles stole 5 (Five, 1-2-3-4-5, cinco, 5.0) hot dogs from the counter! I heard Brian scream and saw Bo run out onto the deck with a hot dog hanging out of his mouth. Sadly, I missed the photo opp because I was enjoying a margarita w/ freshly squeezed lime juice. Shut up…I might have juiced them myself. You don’t know.

When Brian left this morning, he made me promise I’d follow Bo around, waiting for the inevitable diarrhea. And he was no joke, I had to swear with one hand on my heart and the other on my favorite bottle of wine. So I have my day planned. How was your weekend?

 

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics- At the Beach!

 

First, I need to explain Ana’s new look. Remember when I screwed up her haircut? Well, Brian kept asking me when I was going to take her to a professional. So I did.

So. I. Did…

Anywhoo…moving on.

 

 

I hope everyone had a great Father’s Day weekend, we certainly did! Here are just a handful of crappy pics to highlight our trip to the beach.

 

The first thing we did when we got there was to play the horse racing game, and it’s no surprise that I was in. the. zone. See here as my family watches me in amazement. (click here to learn how you too can be a winner)

 

I still don’t understand why they stood so far away from me. They totally missed out on hearing little Billy’s mom cheer him on:

“C’mon Billy! You can do it! Good job! Ugh! What was that?! Get out of your head, Billy. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD! You’re getting beat by an adult! NOOOO, BILLLYYY!
20130613-110438.jpg

Kiss it, Billy’s mom.

 

The next day we went Putt-Putting on a boardwalk rooftop. Let’s just say that Ana was a little “distracted” by all the fiberglass animals.

 

3…2…1…

It was all cute and funny until I we realized the gorilla wasn’t anchored to the ground. Even the attendant came running from her little “Putt Hut”.

 

About halfway through our game, Ana saw her first rainbow! She was so excited!

It was beautiful!

Then this happened…

Holy hell! A dark cloud literally descended upon us! I thought the world was ending, so I did what any rational person might do in such a dire situation…I let go of my kid’s hand and took off my earrings, because it was windy, and they’re my favorite earrings, and I wanted to have them in the afterlife.

 

Then next day (when the world didn’t end), we went to the beach.

*tomorrow, I’ll detail this beach day in my Tips for Tuesday.

 

Later that afternoon, we walked down to the pier and went fishing. Ugh.

For the record, I’m not a huge fan of fishing, mostly because I hate the idea of putting a hook through a live worm’s body, it just seems so cruel. Luckily, I remembered reading somewhere that the Germans use cheese for fish bait. So I grabbed some cheese, poured myself a glass of wine, and we headed down to the dock.

 

Here I am “fishing”…

…”fishing” for compliments on my new up-do – and wondering where my sunglasses are.

Brian didn’t stay long, he was annoyed that the bait kept falling off his hook. He mumbled something like “I doubt the Germans use deli sliced provolone” and left.

Sadly, the only thing we caught that day was my cell phone from falling in the water.

 

On Father’s day, we pretty much spent that morning cleaning up the beach house, driving 2 hours home, then watching the US Open while Ana bitched about Brian using “her” TV. When he told her to go upstairs to watch her shows, she replied, “Happy Mother’s Day, Baaaby” and stormed off.

 

At the beach house, before Ana turned on her father.
Happy Father’s Day, Brian!

How was your weekend?

 

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PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted! and you’ll be my favorite (but shhh, don’t tell anyone, they’ll just be jealous and hate you).

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Weekend in Crappy Pics

Saturday

We went to a fair that had rides dating back to the 1970’s.

I call this picture Nostalgia, Loose Bolts, and Tetanus Shots.

When offered a prize at the Duck Pond game, my nephew chose the world globe key chain.  Ana picked this…

 

 

Saturday Afternoon

Ana made up an imaginary friend named Billy, and challenged him to several foot and bike races.  Not surprisingly, she won all of them.  Then she and Billy got into a huge argument, and she refused to let him play basketball with her.  Apparently, imaginary friends can be real assholes.

 

Sunday

The family practiced hitting golf balls into a net that I had set up in our backyard.   But every time we knocked a ball in (a rare happening) the net would tip over, so Brian went into the garage to find something to stake it down with.  He found something alright…

…my leather Acura headrest.  Who does that?!

He thought it was a brilliant idea…then he brilliantly left it out in the rain overnight.  Bye-bye resale value.

“Why couldn’t you use a rock like a normal person?”-Me.

 

Sunday Evening

I concluded the weekend by sitting on our deck, drinking a margarita. I was really enjoying myself until this damn mosquito kept landing on my crotch.  I was determined to kill it.  Unfortunately, killing it required me to smack my crotch over and over again with my right hand, while holding my margarita with my left (of course I was facing my neighbor’s kitchen window.  They were eating burgers, I was smacking my crotch).

But my determination paid off!  And it turns out it wasn’t your everyday run-of-the-mill mosquito, oh nooo,  it was a black & white striped Asian Tiger Mosquito!

How exotic! I quickly put  it in a trial size soap box and mailed it to a local taxidermist for mounting.  He said the turn-around time is around 8-12 weeks, so I should have it back just as I’m emerging from my Dengue Fever quarantine.

How was your weekend?

Could you give me a little clicky-click love by smacking the banner below?

PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted! and I’ll love you a little bit more…but not more than my wine. sorry.

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Our Weekend through crappy pics

“Our weekend through crappy pics” is low on both words and quality photographs.

 

Friday

On Friday we signed the kids up for Kid’s Night Out, and Brian & I went out to dinner ALONE.

You remember Kid’s Night Out, the babysitting service at the gym…where Collin is always the oldest kid…and forced to decorate fairy wands with the preschoolers…

Aww, he loves it.

 

At the restaurant, Brian and I worked on being the most pretentious diners ever by bringing our own wine decanter (which took up about 1/3 of the table’s diameter).

 

Saturday

I often ask myself “What the hell was I thinking?”, and purchasing a bug collecting kit for Ana gave me another opportunity to mutter that all-too-familiar phrase.

 

Her victims? Ants.  Ana loves herself some ants!  She can often be found tracking them, “feeding” them heavy acorns, and “petting” them until they “fall asleep” into a black mushy ball.   Think Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

I struggled with the guilt of letting her basically kill any ants that were unfortunate enough to cross her path.  Then Brian reminded me of my hypocrisy…

remember this:

And so I said “carry on”.  But their deaths weren’t in vain…it bought us about 15 minutes of quiet.  I drank a margarita.

 

Sunday

We went to a super fun neighborhood BBQ where our children rolled in dirt and we rolled in delicious fatty food.  Oh, and I broke out my Mommy’s Sippy Cup!  Everyone wanted to know where they could get their own spill-proof wine cup, well here it is… www.mommyssippycup.com

 

Monday

I went to the grocery store to buy some last minute stuff, I turned around and saw this…

Holy shit!

“Ana, Mommy needs you to gently set down the explosives,  That’s right…now walk very slowly back towards me.”

WTF, Acme?  One moment I’m deciding between regular or jumbo marshmallows, the next I’m talking to my kid like I’m a member of the Bomb Squad.

 

After our close call with death (because I feel like being an alarmist today), we headed to Lowes and bought a fire pit!  Brian did not approve of this purchase, but Brian wasn’t with us. hahahah

And can I just say, we are the worst fire builders ever!  Initially, I thought “Cavemen did this, how hard can it be?”   Well guys, we had to re-light a piece of newspaper3 times.

Brian eventually got the fire roaring while I was putting Ana down.  I find the timing suspicious, I think he might have thrown a DuraFlame log in there.

 

How was your weekend?

Can you please validate me by clicking this banner? Thanks!
PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted! and I’ll love you a little bit more…but not more than my wine. sorry.
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