period

Free Advice Friday! My period is always late!

October 11, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I’m a stay at home mom of 3 children (all under 6) and I can’t imagine having another one, I’m pretty much at my sanity threshold as it is. The problem is, my period is frequently late and when that happens I TOTALLY FREAK OUT! I’m debating about asking my husband to get a vasectomy. What’s your opinion?

Thanks,

Late Lucy

Dear Lucy,

If you’re certain you’re done having children then I say ask for the vasectomy. But be aware, men consider a vasectomy to be a type of sexual currency. That’s right Lucy, after his “ticket gets punched”, he’ll shove his big hairy arm in your face and wait there expectantly until you present him with a wrist band good for unlimited rides on the “love train”. And guess what? That damn wristband never expire. Ever.

source www.nationalticket.com

BUCKLE UP

EXPECTANT MOTHERS SHOULD NOT RIDE

REMOVE LOOSE ARTICLES BEFORE BOARDING

REMAIN SEATED AND HOLD ONTO THE BAR

NO SINGLE RIDERS

Can you handle that kind of commitment? If not, then I say skip the vasectomy and resolve the period issue.

Based on a lifetime of my shitty experiences, here are 5 ways to ensure that your period arrives on time:

1. Wear white pants – Ivory, Eggshell, Pearl, it doesn’t matter, any shade of white will do. I suggest pairing your white pants with a blue top; at least you’ll appear patriotic.

2. Plan a vacation around your period due date – You don’t actually have to go on the trip, but you will need to plan it in enough detail that the universe believes it’s happening. The universe loves to crap on a great vacation. (*packing your bags will improve results)

3. Swim with sharks/ Camp with bears – Basically put yourself in any situation in which having your period would be life threatening condition.

4 Go hiking without a tampon – Not any old hiking, this must be “miles from civilization and we have no phone signal” hiking. (*I recommend bringing along a leaf identification book)

5. Plan a date night – This technique works best if you haven’t had sex with your husband in weeks. Because when Mother Nature hears a booty call, she answers it, “Wrong number, bitch!”

Lucy, these techniques have yet to fail me- and I’m sure, with proper execution, you’ll find them to be as equally effective. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you lots of luck…and no more kids.

XOXO,

Kim

4 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: advice, period, vasectomy

Free Advice Friday! The puberty talk, help!

September 6, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I recently purchased your Beaver Baby to explain the “miracle of life” to my 6 year old son. He hasn’t asked me yet, but at least I’m prepared and can gross people out with it in the meantime. My question today is, do you have anything that could help me explain puberty to my 12 year old daughter? If not, any ideas? I’m really not looking forward to this!

Please help,

Unprepared Penny

Dear Nickel,

You bought a Beaver Baby from me?! Thanks so much! You’ll be happy to know that 100% of the proceeds go directly to my pocket! Granted, it’s not tax deductible but I write your name on every dollar that I spend so that my nail technician, eyelash lady, and hair stylist know that you, dear Quarter, have contributed to my cause. Without donors like you, the research needed to make me beautiful would not be possible. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but before Beaver Baby funding became available, I was forced to cut corners, like using duct tape to wax my bikini area and doing my own spray tans.

Mexico, 2011 (also known as Year of the Furry Brown Zebra)

Do me a favor Dime, let me know how the Beaver Baby demonstration goes over with your son. Truth be told, I haven’t explained their purpose to my children yet. In fact, Ana thinks they’re slippers and hops around the house, occasionally taking them off to admire their warm fuzzy lining…and getting faux pubes everywhere. Come to think of it, that’s probably why she hasn’t been invited to any sleepovers.

As for your puberty issue, listen, I haven’t told my kids squat… zip, zero, nothing, and that’s the way I plan on keeping it. Period, Shmeriod. For all they know, I get a bloody nose 5 days a month and use Super Plus tampons to stop the bleeding (a brilliant suggestion by my friend Lori at The Next Step). I’ve even figured out how to secretly change them out while my daughter’s in the same 4×4 bathroom stall with me. Friends and family call me “The Menstrual Ninja”, a moniker that draws, what I can only describe as, looks of admiration when being introduced to new people.

Peso, I suggest waiting until your daughter gets her period, then tell her it’s nature’s way of punishing her for thinking about boys. Consequently, that should also delay the “sex” talk for a few years, or entirely.

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for you but I come from a long line of sex-talk avoidance. You see, my grandmother was told that she was delivered by the postman, and my mother believed babies came from Sears & Roebuck. When she realized I wasn’t returnable despite keeping her hospital receipt, the fear was palpable in my formula. THAT is the kind of old fashioned parenting I strive to emulate. Besides, I figure they can learn all that stuff from the kids at school. Isn’t that why I send them to school anyway, to learn stuff I don’t want to teach them?

Take care, Dollar, and keep dodging those questions!

Kim

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5 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: beaver babies, free advice, period, puberty

Tips for Tuesday..on Wednesday, because Tuesday couldn’t handle tampons.

March 13, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Today, I want to discuss something that no one wants to address…why my cat keeps peeing under the damn pool table- son of a bitch! Just kidding (though it does need to be addressed), I actually want to talk about “Tampon Maintenance”. I hope you weren’t eating just now.

As you may know, tampons have been linked to Toxic Shock Syndrome. While rare, the chances of developing TSS increases when using higher absorbancy tampons and when leaving them in for far too long. Now I don’t know about you, but I use the high absorbency ones because…well, because like the wrapper says, I’m “Super”…and sometimes I’m even “Super Plus”. So for me, remembering to change my tampons frequently is very, very important. Not to mention, no one wants a red stain as a reminder.

So now you’re probably thinking “Yeah, great point, Kim. How can I easily keep track of my tampon change? And I love what you’ve done with your hair!” Aww, thanks!

The first thing you need to do is to make some scientific calculations based on your flow rate, tampon absorbency, and menstrual duration ( F/A x M x .75= R), where R equals the replacement interval. Based on this formula, I determined that my tampon should be changed every 4 hours.

Here’s the problem…ask anyone who knows me, I’m late for everything except happy hour (I was even late for my own wedding. Brian, I said sorry like a billion times). So I’ve developed two “reminder” methods that can be used separately or together for maximum remindage.

Method #1 – Put it in your calendar and set the alarm to play the Jaws theme- it conjures images of blood (trust me, it’s motivating).

Unfortunately, I kept hitting the snooze button, so I had to develop a back-up method. But what?

As I was pulling out of my driveway one day, I saw the answer right in front of me, literally in front of me- the oil change sticker on my windshield. And method #2 was born…

Method #2– The TEA Bag Tag

The acronym TEA stands for Tampon Expiration Alert. This involves labeling all of your tampons with their change time. Each time you go to the bathroom, simply glance at the time on your TEA tag to determine if you need to change it out! Let me show you how to set this up.

1. You’ll need a tampon (duh), a sharpie (won’t smear), a stapler, and a small piece of paper.