Remember the tip where I told you how to become a parasite parent on the beach, cleverly arranging to have another family entertain your children while you relax? Remember? That was some good advice, wasn’t it? Well guess what…karma’s a real bitch.

I did everything right, I planted us right next to the lifeguard, told Ana that sharks would eat her if she went in above her ankles, and found a dad digging a hole with his kid. Now if you’ve read my Parasite Parenting post, you know that the most important of these 3 is the dad digging a hole, so I was super excited. I could practically taste my margarita and see the last chapter of my book.

So as we were setting up shop, I was eyeing the dad and his kid, looking for an opening (ie. “Oh look Ana…she’s your age/has the same shovel as you/is breathing. Go say hi!”) when I noticed that his daughter was somewhat standing and sorta wiggling around…she appeared to be struggling. Hmm.

So I let Ana continue with her “sand angels” (what a mess) while I tried to figure out what was going on. A few seconds later, another little girl came over and the dad said “She’s stuck in the sand! Do you want to be stuck in the sand too?!” I looked closer and sure as shit, he had buried his kid up to her knees, and the tide was coming in!

DAMN YOU, HOLE DIGGING DAD!!! Why did you have to go and screw this up for me?! First of all, I don’t feel comfortable letting you bury my kid while the ocean washes over her and B) Even if I did, I already told her that sharks would eat her if she went in above her ankles. You’re so selfish, you make me sick!

And so I set down my lonely book and interacted with her…

She was thrilled with the attention.

Eventually, that family moved out (probably headed to family therapy because the daughter has trust issues) and another moved in.

Again, dreams were crushed.

Meet little Torie…

That’s right, WE entertained Little Torie. Not only that, but I fed her some crackers and she kept coming back like a damn city pigeon. Oh, and she demanded that I replenish the pool water every time it got too sandy. *With all the sand being thrown, and her using it as a bathtub and possible potty, it got sandy a lot.

So today’s tip is just an extension of my Parasite Parenting tip. But these are ways to AVOID becoming the host family:

1. Refrain from bringing out any novel sand toys until you’re certain there are zero kids in the area. This includes, but is not limited to, mermaid dolls, inflatable pools, trucks, balls, large shovels, and rafts.

2. NEVER EVER attempt to build a sand castle in the presence of other children.

3. Leave ALL of your food at home. Walk up to the boardwalk for snacks, but don’t bring them back to your blanket.

4. Appear irresponsible by making statements like “Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on them. Losing kids is no longer my “thang”. Hahahaha. But seriously, I’m more careful now.”

5. and obviously, NEVER dig a hole.

Sadly, I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list as the summer goes on. Please feel free to leave me a comment with any other helpful tidbits you can think of, I’d really really really appreciate it!

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