Dear WSFS,

Back in July I heard that you would be holding a Pet Contest during the month of September. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for my dog, Mr. Bojangles, to shine.

Over the last few years he’s worked really hard to totally transform himself from the inside out. He was once overweight and prone to bite Girl Scouts but now, through therapy and discipline, he’s slim, happy, and welcomes small children bearing Thin Mints.   One day I said to myself “He’s ready to debut the new Bojangles and leave his transgressions behind”. It was later that evening that I heard of your contest. Fate had delivered.

We began work immediately.  As a former Little Miss Delaware 1979, I’m familiar with the dedication and persistence it takes to win. And Mr. Bojangles, a working breed, was up for the challenge.

I made an appointment with the top groomer in town. I had Bo’s nails trimmed, his coat conditioned, and his anal glands expressed twice (once because he needed it and a second time because he seemed to enjoy it).

After that it was off to the stylist to pick out just the right looks for the swimwear, evening wear, and talent portion of the contest. It took furever (get it?) to find just the right blue to match his eyes.

For the past 4 weeks we have been working intensely on his talent. Initially I was going to have him sing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dione (it’s a total tear jerker) but as it turns out, Mr. B is capable of only hearing high pitches, not singing them.

“…whereeever you arrree…”

So instead we decided to focus on something he’s naturally good at. It was his idea to walk onto the stage, impressively fill 5 water glasses with varying heights of urine, and then tap the tune  “God Bless America” using a spoon he’d hold in his mouth. He’s a very talented and ambitious dog but rehearsals have been a bit of a mess.

I estimate that we have easily invested hundreds of dollars and tens of hours into preparing for this contest. So you can imagine my shock and anger when I received the official rules and guidelines which basically stated “submit a lousy picture and we’ll let you know if your pet won in one of three categories, blah, blah, blah”.

Are you kidding me???  No talent competition, interviews, or opportunities to strike a pose? How are you able to determine which dog is the “Best in Show”, “Most Personality”, or “Best with Kids”  by a simple picture? Maybe that pic of him biting the Girl Scout will look like he’s giving her a real deep kiss and he could win the “Best With Kids” category. Ha! I’d love to see Troop 357’s reaction when I mail them a copy of that congratulatory letter!

I finally broke the news to Mr.Bojangles last night over Mai Tai’s.  At first, it didn’t quite register, then he appeared confused…

Come again?

Whatcha talking about Willis?

Finally it sunk in that he just wasted the past three months of his life (2 dog years) preparing for a 1 shot photo contest. We both knew that one submission of a dachshund  wearing a stupid hot dog costume could ruin everything he’s worked for. He lost it! He started tearing my couch cushion apart!

His anger was contagious!

I’ve never seen him like that, well except every Friday when the Fed-ex man delivers my Keurig K-cups.

Today he asked me to submit this photo of him in a grassy meadow (I didn’t want to do it but he insisted):

I got your ‘Best in Show’ right here!

Please notify us if he’s a winner.

Thank you,

Kim S.

www.oneclassymotha.com