Dear WSFS,
I was beyond excited to see that WSFS is now offering Makeover Loans to its customers! You truly are a progressive bank and I, for one, applaud your company. Not every bank understands that beautiful people make better customers.
Shortly after seeing your advertisement, I set up a consultation with a plastic surgeon to determine just how much money I would need to borrow.
Unfortunately it was a terrible experience. Call me sensitive, but I think it’s completely unprofessional for a plastic surgeon to play “Let Me Guess What You Need”. I walked into his office wanting a boob job and a tummy tuck, but I walked out crying while holding pamphlets about ear pinning, ass implants, and something called vaginal rejuvenation. He says I’m going to need a pretty hefty loan.
I plan on coming in next week to speak with one of your loan officers about obtaining my Makeover Loan. I have already gathered all the information I believe you’ll need to speed up the loan approval process. Below are the steps I’ve taken:
My credit score:
Using mycreditscore.org, I’ve evaluated my credit history and I’m proud to say it is exemplary. In my experience, the key to money management is 1. Always pay your monthly credit card statements in full 2. Don’t apply for a retail credit card just because they offer 10% off your purchase 3. Make a monthly budget and stick to it 4. Take all the Keurig K-cups from your doctor’s waiting room instead of buying them and 5. Never put your personal lubrication on auto-refill (it lasts longer than you think).
Earnings:
I’ve located and made copies of all my yearly earnings. I’m currently self employed as a talent manager for my dog, Mr. Bojangles. Perhaps you’ve seen him in the SPCA’s newest spay & neuter campaign “Bones Not Boners”?
Yo Dawg- condoms break, snip your snake!
While it’s not steady work, it’s quite lucrative. I was originally earning only 20% commission, but just last month I gave myself a 100% raise. I see this as fair since I’ve missed all of my children’s recitals, doctor’s appointments, and baptisms to shuttle his furry butt around. And he’s not the easiest animal to work for, he’s chronically late and always crapping on the set.
References:
I realize that it’s important to offer letters that can attest to both my character and my need for improvement. So far I have acquired letters from my husband, my gynecologist, and the lady that waxes my bikini area. I’m still waiting to hear back from my college boyfriend, as he was the last one to see my body in tip top shape.
Please let me know if there is anything else, other than the above documents and my driver’s license, that I should bring with me.
Thank you,
Kim S.
P.S. I noticed you are offering a Veteran Loan program. I think it’s a wonderful thing you’re doing. If we didn’t already have a veteran in the family to teach my children about war, country, and sacrifice, I would totally borrow one from WSFS.
