Dear Dead Man’s Bones,
A friend of mine is having a fantastic Halloween party on October 26th and she would love it if you would be the house band.
It will be quite the scene, suburban housewives made obnoxious by Pinot Noir body shots and keg stands of hand-crafted micro-brewed beers. So pretty much: Dead Man’s Bones + her Halloween party= Spanx flying everywhere! Husbands will probably be standing in the back making fun of your perfect hair and suggesting your pecs aren’t real.
Here’s the message I received in my invitation…
“Bonus prize to anyone who can convince Dead Man’s Bones to be the house band for the party…”
I wasn’t told what the bonus prize will be, but I’m working under the premise that it’s a Dyson DC41 vacuum cleaner with all the attachments (retail value $649.99). There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for a vacuum that promises suck all the crushed Oreos out of my Berber…wink…wink. Did you know they never lose suction?
The party should be a really fun time and we would love to see you perform “My Body’s a Zombie For You” live! ooh, ooh,ooh! You guys don’t have to wear a costume but I think it would be really cool if you did.
I’m attending the party as an extra absorbency tampon, my husband is the cardboard applicator (as opposed to a plastic applicator- we’re making an environmental statement). I admit, it’s going to be a tricky costume as he’ll have to wrap his arms around me all night making it hard to drink, plus I won’t be able to bob for apples without expanding two sizes. We were originally going to go as a maxi-pad with wings, but I was afraid we wouldn’t fit through the door. Did I mention it’s an indoor event?
As for payment, I checked with the hostess of the party and it was as I suspected, the entertainment budget is -$10.92. She assured me that your band wouldn’t be motivated by money anyway but rather by the sheer appreciation, adoration, and gratitude that her guests would offer (I’m paraphrasing as she actually said “beer and cakeballs”).
I explained to her that you were not only beautiful and talented people but shrewd businessmen. As a result, I would like to offer, in trade, my services as a professional Complaint Writer. My company,The Bitch & Famous, represents big name clients (eventually) by helping them address disputes with companies that piss them off. Surely someone has pissed you off? However, it’s very important that I stress the words “address disputes” as opposed to “settle disputes”. Without that clarification many have rehired me to write a bitchy letter to myself…it was degrading.
My rates are ridiculously outrageous so I think you’ll find that this is a fair barter. My first client initially bulked at my fees until she saw the quality of my letters, then she couldn’t reach for her checkbook fast enough. Of course, I was my first client so it was really embarrassing when my check bounced. Then I made matters worse by hitting myself with a “return check fee”. It was a mess on so many levels.
I have included a couple examples of my work so that you can see for yourself the value that The Bitch and Famous, LLC can bring to you and whatever emotional crap you need purged.
Kindly let us know ASAP if you are able to perform for us. We began construction of the stage this morning and it involved the dismantling of our children’s Thomas the Train tables, doll houses, and play kitchens. Please don’t let our children’s sacrifices be in vain…
Wishing and hoping,
Kim S
