I’m not shitting you when I say I have some truly useful tips today!

Tip #1 – Leaf Blowers

My friend Lisa was kind enough to share a great tip with me this past weekend that I’m going to pass on to you. She was tired of cramming herself into the backseat of her car to clean out the trash and dirt that only kids can accumulate. So she decided to make use of her husband’s beloved leaf blower.

Here she is blowing the hell out of her back seat. She says it’s best to do this on a windy day so that the litter is blown away from your home and into a neighbor’s yard, leaving you with very little, to no clean-up.

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Leaf blowing your car is a brilliant idea but, as a visionary, so many other possibilities entered my mind. My favorite was this…

* not recommended for children under 25 lbs.

Why bother towel drying the children and blow drying their hair after a bath? It can be done in half the time with a 3.5 horsepower leaf blower!

Sure, Ana was a little skittish at first but with the promise of a Kit Kat bar and by shouting encouraging words like “don’t look directly at it!” she made out fine. And we were done in under 30 seconds, just in time for Final Jeopardy (That’s how I get my edumecation for clever cocktail party convo).

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Tip #2 – Wine Safety

This is how I used to secure my wine purchases on my way home from the liquor store so they wouldn’t clank on an abrupt stop:

Mommy’s purse.

This was fine and dandy until I ran into another mother at the preschool pickup, who stuck her head into my passenger window. I believe she was about to ask me to pick up her daughter for the following day until she glanced in my purse. I think this, combined with the unfortunate timing of my hiccups, changed her mind.

So here is my new method of securing my fragile wine babies bottles:

As soon as I came up with this idea I ran right out and bought a Britax, the safest car seat on the market.

But before you judge me, you should know that my wine runs are made only after dropping Ana off at preschool, that way I’m not forced to choose between their safety or hers. And trust me, there are certain days where the outcome might hurt her feelings.

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Tip #3 – Diaper Safe

This tip stems from my over abundance of diapers. Now this, my friends, is true genius! Store your valuables (jewelry, spare keys, birth control pills,etc) in plain sight! Just roll everything up in a dirty diaper and leave it laying around your car, your kitchen counter, or coffee table. Warning: People might think you’re disgusting and you’d have to agree…disgustingly rich bitches!

Of course, it doesn’t have to be a real dirty diaper. However, I think that putting real poo inside adds authenticity and the smell will definitely make the burglars think twice about going through your crusty underwear drawer.

$8,000 of jewels laying in the hallway. Don’t worry, no one in my family would bother to pick it up and throw it out.

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Tip #5

My last tip of the day. Stop wasting money by buying new yoga pants when your old ones get a hole in the crotch (probably from scratching…damn you Nair!). Simply buy a pair of matching underwear and no one will know the difference…unless you get a vaginal wedgie while in downward dog. By the way, that’s called a Vedgie.

Um, no. That’s my hand in there, you sicko. Please, there’s no way in hell I’d have a Brazilian again! It’s like you don’t even know me 🙁