Some of you have expressed an interest in how you too can locate a surrogate  family to play with and entertain your young children while you relax (deservingly so) on the beach. Here are the recommended steps you should take to weasel your kids into another family’s fun.

1. Location, Location, Location.

Choosing the right spot on the sand is crucial for creating an afternoon of lackadaisical  parenting. Things to look for in an ideal location:

     – Sit right next to or behind a landmark (i.e.  Lifeguard Stand, “Danger” sign, or one of those really obnoxious sun tents that could double as a homeless shelter in the off season). Point these out to your kids so they’ll have an easier time finding you when the host family leaves. And mark my words,  they will leave when they realize what’s happening.

     -Always choose to sit near a family that is digging a hole. Whether they’re digging to China or digging a hole to drop a body in later doesn’t matter. It just needs to be a hole that your child will wander into and want to stay in for the long haul.   However, it’s very important that the hole is being dug by the father and his children, not the mother. It is my experience that fathers start a hole and then become consumed with making it bigger and bigger, deeper and deeper. They have a stick-to-it-ness that mothers don’t. I think it’s some sort of vagina-envy-but-with-a-hole thing. *Side note: today’s father disappeared underground and only came up when he found a blue crab and bones of questionable origin. The kids were fascinated by both.

2.  Maintain an Appearance of Effort.

 If the other family gets a whiff of your shirked parental duties they’ll shut your kid out. They’ll claim it’s because they want to spend “quality alone time” with their kids. But really they’re just pissed because you’re more clever than they are. To avoid this you have to do a bit of work. But don’t worry, this can be carried out between chapters of your Fifty Shades and cosmopolitan refills.   Do the following:

     – You should occasionally (about every 30 min) approach your child and spray sunblock on him/her while saying ” why don’t you kids come back to our blanket and brush up on math problems or snack on some edamame?”

*If your kids follow you back then I can’t relate to you and I bet we’re not friends.

     – you MUST wave to the other parents at least once, shrug,  and mouth “she loves you”. Make sure to close with that “yikes, I’m so sorry” look.

     – Drop off crackers, gum, juice boxes, shovels, and buckets at the hole – basically help your kids set up shop so that they have no reason to come back before the sun goes down. On your way back to your chair say to the dad “Great Job! I’ll be over here on my iPhone looking up  Guinnessworldrecords.com for the deepest beach hole. I’ll let you know what I find. Though the internet has been really slow today. Weird.”

By following the above steps you should be able to read a book, play UNO, get a tan on your back, or brush up on your bartending skills, all with little interruption. That reminds me of my last point…pack drinks in a quality thermos as it is vital that you keep your beverages cold.  I can’t stress this enough. Sure, a high end thermos costs more than a  repurposed Turkey Hill Iced Tea container but it’s worth the investment. No one wants to drink a warm margarita while watching another mother plead with your child to stop throwing sand in her eyes, it’s a buzz kill.