Hey there! How was your weekend? Well, we did NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, which I didn’t think was possible- yet here I am, unshowered and in the same yoga pants that I wore to bed Friday night. A true & shameful testament to laziness. But we just got back from a 5 day Disney World vacation, which is the equivalent of walking around the globe 3 times, so can you really blame me?

Instead of sharing my weekend in crappy pics (which would be me sitting on the couch eating nachos), I’m going to share some pics from our trip. But before you poke your eyes out, I’m not sharing “Happiest Place on Earth” park pics, you can go on www.disney.com for that. No, these are a little less than glamorous.

Week in Crappy Pics

When we checked in at the airport, Brian surprised me with a first class ticket…for just me! He was going to be sitting with the kids in our usual “Shitter Row” (last row next to the bathrooms) while I received first class attention.

Hooray! I was so happy!

And then I boarded the plane…

I could tell by his screaming, thrashing, and continuous back arching, little Oliver was not a fan of plane travel…or life. Luckily, wine is complementary in first class and my “I’m going to need a bigger glass.” was met with both sympathy and understanding by the flight attendant.

While drinking my second glass (we still hadn’t left the gate) and making small talk with Oliver’s mother (who struggled to contain him), I thought, “This isn’t so bad” and then I was proven wrong…

DAMN IT, OLIVER!

Wine everywhere, even on the baby. That kid smelled like liquor and rotten soy milk (he’s allergic to dairy), not a pleasant combination.

After rolling around the wet floor and saturating his pants with chardonnay and possibly urine, he climbed into my lap and sucked on the handmade designer pendent hanging around my neck.

But by then I was on my third glass, so I didn’t mind.

Our First Day – Magic Kingdom

She was so excited!

But the moment we entered the park something pissed her off. Maybe the heat? a hangnail? my breathing? Who knows.

Me – “Cheer up. Aren’t you excited to see Mickey Mouse?”

Ana – “No! I DON’T LIKE Mickey Mouse! And I HATE Disney World!”

I heard a sudden and collective gasp from the crowd- this was blasphemy!

Mothers rushed to cover their children’s ears, babies started crying, and men wearing fanny packs shook with newly discovered testosterone.

I did the only thing I could think of, I grabbed her and ran. I ran fast and far from the Disney zealots until we reached a watering hole, then I stuck her in it to literally and figuratively cool off. Cinderella dress and all.

I’m pretty sure this was a Disney baptism in disguise because her demons were gone when we dried her off.

Day 2 – Epcot

We met up with my Aunt and cousins to enjoy Epcot’s Food & Wine Festival. Did you really think this trip was all about the kids? hahahaha

Being a responsible adult, I didn’t want to drink and drive Ana’s stroller so I had Collin push her around.

And she made him her stroller beotch!

Day 3 – Typhoon Lagoon Water Park

Yeah…no pics here. But trust me when I tell you that we (except Brian) snorkeled with Leopard Sharks, Sting Rays, and various fish. Ana was all about it, Collin needed a little convincing though:

Collin: So what’s in there?

Me: Leopard sharks and sting rays. It’s totally safe.

Collin: Oh, ok.

Collin: Wait a second…how did that Steve Irwin guy die again?

Me: Um…oh look, there’s Donald Duck!

Day 4 – Animal Kingdom

Animal Kingdom was great! But the real highlight was this:

The cops pulling us over on our way home.

Brian: Oh, great. I think they got me speeding

Kim: Nah, it was the red light you ran.

Brian: It could have been the illegal u-turn.

The policeman walked up:
Police Officer: I stopped you because your taillights aren’t working

He ended up giving us a warning because it was a rental car and we didn’t know how to use the headlights, and we were clearly clueless idiots.

But the best part of the whole thing was watching Brian’s parents slowly passing us by in their car, his dad shaking his head and his mom’s face pressed against the window, worried that her little boy was going to the slammer.

Day 5 – Hollywood Studios

Collin conquered a few rides that he refused to ride last time we were here.

And Ana was ecstatic to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse live as it featured all of her favorites, Sophia, Doc McStuffins, and Jake & the Neverland Pirates.

It was wonderful to see all the children clapping and dancing to the opening song. But then they announced technical difficulties and parents began quietly shitting their pants.

Thankfully, it was back up and running in less than 3 minutes. If it had lasted any longer, I’m convinced the kids would have stormed the stage.

Departure

We were sad to leave but, at the same time, we couldn’t walk one more mile, ride one more ride, or apply anymore Gold Bond medicated powder (we were all out).

How was our flight home? Well, no first class ticket for me BUT I was thrilled that we weren’t stuck in shitter row again! Our seats were actually located in the middle of the plane this time. What a nice change 🙂

Then I sat in my seat…

My “middle of the plane” seat was next to the “middle of the plane” toilet. Are your kidding me?! Here’s my view:

Remember this: there’s only one thing worse than Shitter Row, and that’s…Shitter Alley.

How was your weekend?

Have you read about the worst Halloween costume ever? No? Then you gotta head over to The Shitastrophy! She’s absolutely nuts!