So we’re back from staycation and can I tell you, we are not staycation people. People like us need to be out of our environment to really relax. Case in point, on staycation Day 1, I bought two new tires for the front of the car and told Collin that there’s no such thing as Santa. How’s that for quality family time?

I felt really bad about the Santa thing but he kept asking me and begging me. And jeez, he’s 9, it’s about time.

At first, I thought about telling him that Santa died in a chimney fire and that us parents were just picking up where Santa left off. “It was his dying wish.” I’d say. But something told me that might be more damaging to his psyche in the long run…that “something” was probably common sense.

After I told him the truth, he dropped his head and became very quiet. Sorry, but I didn’t take a crappy pic of this moment, I’m not heartless…but it looked a lot like this:

Every time I caught a glimpse of him in the rear view mirror, my heart broke. Oh, did I not mention that we were driving down the highway when I crushed him? Yeah, the whole thing could have been handled better.

After a few minutes I whispered, “Collin? Did I just kill your childhood?” He slowly shook his head no.

Turns out he was glad to know the truth before entering 4th grade. Apparently, last year he was 1 of only 4 kids in his class who still believed, and he vehemently defended the existence of Santa to all of his other classmates. Now he felt like a fool. And how do I know he felt like a fool? Because 1. He told me and 2. I was 1 of only 4 people in the world who vehemently defended Milli Vanilli against lip syncing accusations…until their record skipped mid concert. “Girl you know it’s tru..tru..tru…tru…true”. I do now, Milli Vanilli, I do now.

The biggest thing we did on our staycation was a day trip to Hershey Park.

Once we arrived, we realized Ana thought we were going to “Horsey Park”. Needless to say, she was pretty pissed when she was handed a bite sized chocolate bar and not her very own pony.

“Can I ride the horsey now?”

In true One Classy Family fashion, it only took a few minutes for us to make a bad decision. See this game- the one with the gun that shoots a rubber ball using extreme air pressure?

Well someone let Ana play, but I won’t say who.

I swear I saw it happening in my mind seconds before it actually happened. Ana pulled the trigger, the rubber ball hit the edge of the platform, riochetted around, flew back, and hit her in the eye.

“Waaahhhh! I just want to ride a horsey! Waaaahhh”

We decided to stop playing games and moved on to the rides.

I’ve decided that amusement parks are perfect for the busy family, the family that never finds time to sit down and just talk to one another. You know why? Because you spend the whole damn day in a line and by the time you’ve reached a ride you have nothing left to talk about except how you have nothing left to talk about.

“Hey Collin, wanna play ‘Guess How Many Fillings I Have’?” *I have zero- took him forever.

Five hours, 3 rides, and 90% humidity later, the kids were begging to go to the water park. So after changing in a room the size of a broom closet, we headed over to the great big huge wave pool…which was closed because some kid shit in it. He also shit all over our dreams. Thanks, kid.

*I have no pictures of this part of the trip because I had to leave my phone in the locker. You’ll have to paint you’re own mental image.

Consequently, all the other water areas were clogged with 1-hour wait lines BECAUSE THE POOL WAS CLOSED! We stood in the shortest line we could find, and when we were finally at the front, Ana stubbed her toe and it started bleeding everywhere! “Can we go home now?” was said in unison.

On the drive home, we were all disappointed, exhausted, and dry. I wanted to stop here to complain:

“Jesus Christ! That place was ridiculous!”

but Brian said I should write him a formal letter now that we know his address.

The rest of our staycation was more of a stay-in-bed-cation. If we ever do this again, I’m totally hiring a maid to come in for clean up and turn down service.

How was your week?

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