Dear Kim,

I’m a stay at home mom and our family is on a tight budget. My husband and I are trying to figure out where we can save money. He’s suggested that I start doing my own nails and hair, but those are the only things I do for ME. I really don’t want to give that up. What do you think? Should I “take one for the team”?

Sincerely,

Primping in Poverty

Dear Primping,

OH HELL NO! Tell Doug (that’s the name I’ve given him) that every mommy needs that little bit of pampering, it makes all the slave-like duties seem tolerable.

Is there something else you could give up? Heat? Hot water? Besides, if you start doing your own nails and hair, it’ll look like shit,—-> you’ll feel unsexy —->Douggie poo won’t be gettin’ any (granted, this argument only works if he’s gettin’ some now).

Let me tell you what happened when I tried to save a buck on my body. Consider it a cautionary tale:

My nails:

When I was in college, I once applied my own acrylic nails in an attempt to save some money. I have to say, they looked pretty damn good as I have an artist’s touch…but what I didn’t have was quality glue. At the time, I was working at Candy Kitchen and in charge of the Swedish Fish…the red Swedish Fish…I wore red nail polish…do you see where this is heading? The first time I dug into those fish and pulled my hand out, I was missing a nail. So I dug in again, hoping to retrieve it, only to lose another one. This went on until the fish were wearing a full set.

You’re probably thinking “oh, I see, saving a buck cost you your job.” No, I never told anyone…but the guilt haunted me for several minutes.

My hair:

I was tired of paying a stylist tons of money to apply color to my hair, after all, how hard could it be? So I went to the drug store and purchased a dark brown color( because I wanted to go dark), and did it myself. The result? Well, the box promised “Warm Chestnut” but I’d probably call it more of a “Warm Baby Shit”. It had that brownish-green color that you only see in the stool of a 6 month old baby obsessed with strained peas.

Not thrilled with the “shitty diaper” look, I went to a salon that specialized in hair color. Well, I assumed they specialized in hair color because the salon was called “Colours”. I can now tell you that it should’ve been called “Dysfunction”- the stylist left me over-processing at the sink while she had a mental breakdown in the back room. For almost an hour, I could hear her screaming & crying while the owner kept repeating “shh, there there”. I imagined the owner holding and rocking her, it was all very touching.

Next stop, the most expensive salon in town to correct the damage done from “Colours”. Primping, it only took all of my savings, my hair being chopped off, and 1 year of professionally applied temporary hair color to end up where I started. Have I scared you enough? No? Read on…

Tanning:” What? You want to charge how much for a professional spray tan? Hell no, I can apply that shit myself!” is something I should have never said…

Primping, I hope that I’ve convinced you that beauty is not the place to save a buck. Try eating less or growing your own coffee beans. And for the love of god, don’t attempt your own bikini wax, you’ll rip your vagina off!

I have to go now, my bathtub lady’s here. She watches me soak, so I don’t drown.

Kim

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