Dear Kim,
My daughter has been asking me if Santa is real. What should I say?
Nancy in North Poleless, TX
Dear Nancy,
I’m so sorry that you’re faced with the god awful “Santa” discussion, it’s almost worse than talking about sex. But here’s my advice, lie.
I’m not suggesting that you lie by telling her Santa exists, I’m suggesting that you say he died. That’s right. Dead. Gone. Over the rainbow and all that shit. And here’s the reason…if you admit that you’ve participated in years and years of deception and all that “Santa won’t bring you anything” crap was just an empty threat, then you’ve lost her. And all the values you’ve worked so hard to instill in her, with lessons like “you can get pregnant just from kissing a boy”, “masturbation will cause blindness”, and “an angel dies every time your curse” will go right down the toilet. You must lie to maintain your credibility.
It’s important, however, that you realize your daughter will need time to deal with Santa’s death. You must be ready to be a supportive parent while she goes through the 5 stages of grief. Luckily I can help you with that too.
Nancy, did you know that in 1996 I spent 6 months working as a grief counselor? That’s right, I worked for an fabulous therapist by the name of Wong, Dr. Wut S. Wong.
I was amazed by Dr. Wong’s ability to soothe a grieving widow and to put a smile on her face. And I spent every moment eagerly soaking up all the knowledge he had to offer…until the day the police showed up. It turns out Dr. Wong was a con-man / method actor. He was just running a scam to meet a wealthy widow to support him in case his callback for the Broadway musical “Rent” never came. The irony is, his callback did come but he was under house arrest.
This unfortunate turn of events left me unemployed but I was determined to continue counseling. While looking for a job, I took courses through my local community college.That’s when I realized that Dr. Wong was a complete fraud. I should have known that the “5 Stages of Grief” weren’t: Sad, Pissed, Throwing Shit Out, and All Better Now. Hell, that’s only 4 steps. I really ignored the red flags. Not to mention, Dr. Wong had blue eyes and red hair.
After graduating from college, I found another position with a charitable organization. And I’m proud to say, that while I was there, I established a weekly support group for those in mourning called Delivering Empathy & Alliance Through Humanity. I referred to them as our D.E.A.T.H. meetings.
Nancy, here are the real “5 Stages of Grief” and what you can expect from your daughter in each one.
Denial– She’s going to think you’re totally bullshitting her on this one, after all, you’ve lied before. To be convincing, you must be ready with details. For example, you need to know HOW Santa died. I always say “he died from the stress of your gift demands”. Also, I find that presenting cigarette ashes in a Christmas stocking while saying, “Here, Santa would want you to have his charred remains” is a really nice touch. And it gives her some tangible proof.
Anger– She’ll be angry with the possibility that she may be getting fewer gifts. Kids are greedy bastards.
Bargaining– Expect a lot of “buy me_____, or I’ll tell my baby sister he died”.
Depression– She’ll be sad until you buy a really great gift. A pony or an iPhone usually does the trick.
Acceptance– Santa who?
Nancy, I hope I was able to help you. I also offer advice on how to successfully address other sensitive topics like “Where do babies come from“. In fact, I’m currently writing an Ebook called, Raising Kids: Their Questions, Your Answers, & Martini Recipes. I’ll drop you a line when it becomes available on Amazon.com.
Sincerely,
Kim
