Dear Kim,

I’m terrible at remembering to buy greeting cards, so I always end up sending them late. Do you think that’s really rude? If so, any suggestions to help me remember?

Sincerely,

Valerie in Nocardforu, AZ

Dear Valerie,

I understand- we all get busy and remembering to buy cards for holidays and special occasions can be difficult. However, because friends and family really do treasure our thoughtfulness, we should always make an effort to send cards in a timely fashion.

You’ve really come to the right place for advice, Valerie. Did you know that, from March 2009-September 2009, I owned a greeting card company? That’s right, it was the brainchild of six glasses of wine, a carton of unfiltered Marlboro’s, and some really really bad advice.

My company specialized in niche greeting cards, creating cards for those special moments that most mainstream companies overlook. My company was called With Tender Feelings, or WTF cards.

The company logo was a picture of 2 hills with 1 tall mountain in the center, it represented our superiority in the card industry. It was my idea to add a window at the top of our mountain to let our customers know that we are always watching them and considering their needs.

Brilliant, right?!

Maybe you’ve seen or even purchased some of our greetings?

Perhaps this one for vasectomies:

We wanted a kid

now we’re done

I popped out six

instead of one

 

There’s no more sex

between us, thanks

unless you’re snipped

and shooting blanks

 

For the love of god, please get a vasectomy!

 

Or for a Polygamist wedding:

Congratulations on your marriage

you’ve found “the one” again

your wives are lucky ladies

to welcome sister-wife #10

 

I think you’ve made a awesome choice

and all my wives concur

as we Polygamist say

“the more the marry- her!”

 

Unfortunately Valerie, we didn’t survive our first year in business.

I had just outsourced the production of my cards to a little factory in NY, called No.1 Factory. A few weeks into production, I was notified that the factory was operating under “sweat shop” conditions. Before I knew it, I was contacted by our local newspaper requesting a comment from our public relations department. Unfortunately, I was the PR department.

I spoke frankly, saying “I really don’t care if it is a sweat shop! Who am I to tell them how to run their business? Don’t we all want to save a buck?”

My comments were met with a huge backlash- stock plummeted, sales dropped, and we were forced to close our basement doors forever. And all because someone was too cheap to turn on the air conditioner.

I still don’t get why anyone cared. I,for one, prefer to work in the heat. I once had a boss that kept the office ridiculously cold. Most of my paychecks went towards buying plaster lined bras just to keep my nipples from showing! Though, to be fair, my nipples are super sensitive. I swear they can tell you which way the wind is blowing.

So Valerie, Here’s my advice based on months of experience…buy a stack of construction paper and some markers (not crayons, crayons are so unprofessional) and make your own cards. You’ll always have a card when you need it AND it will be super personal.

example:.

Remember yesterday

when you cried “I’m getting fat!”?

Well, I bought you a birthday cake

just don’t have ice cream with that.

 

Happy Birthday Lisa!

 

Trust me, this is a win-win solution!

Kim S.

previous CEO of now defunct WTF inc.