Do you guys remember Monday when I forgot my daughter at the gym daycare and went home to eat eggs?  Well, Veteran’s Day has really screwed with my mind because I also forgot it’s Friday!!!

I was all ready to publish a scathing letter to Nestle’s regarding my recent Kit Kat experience, when I realized “Holy Shit! It’s Free Advice Friday, not bitch to Nestle’s day!”.  I. AM. SO. SORRY.

So here’s what I’m going to do…I’m going to celebrate Free Advice Friday by posting my very first one.  At first, I thought you (my readers) would be pissed to re-read a post but then I remembered that most of you weren’t around then.  I have at least 4x’s as many visitors now (btw, a big thank you to those 4 people), so I’m hoping that it’s mostly a “new to you” kinda read.

Kit Kat story to come next week.

 Free Advice Friday – It may not be good but it’s free!

I’m very excited to answer some questions from my readers!  But you should know that 9 out of 10 mothers recommend not applying my advice to your real life.  To the other 1 mother I say, “Call me…we should totally hang out!”

To have your question considered for next week’s FAF, please make your submission here.

Dear Kim,

I was hoping you could tell me your strategy for winning the horse racing game on the boardwalk. It seems like you dominate it. I’d like to know if you can give me some tips because I’m terrible and can’t seem to win at anything.

Thank you,                                                                                                                Amanda in Sucksatgames, PA

Dear Amanda,                                                                                                                      I assume you are referring to my recent victories, here and here.

While some of my competitors would mistake my skill as raw, natural talent, the truth is I work hard- damn hard. In the off season you’ll usually find me practicing at my state-of-the-art portable training facility.  I dedicate no less than 25 hours a week to this sport (oh yeah, it’s a sport). Training is intense and involves mostly nights and weekends as that’s when the kids are available. Do you have children Amanda? Or kids in the neighborhood with minimal after school commitments?  Find them, they are vital for your success.

When setting up your rolling range (that’s what we in the biz call it) you’ll need at least 3 kids, 3 solo cups, a tennis ball, racing numbers, and an old piece of plywood- that is, if you’re serious about doing what it takes to be a winner. I could tell you how to set everything up but I think a picture would explain it better.

Remember Amanda, nothing good happens without hard work. And there’s no “i” in team…but there is an “m” and an “e” so I don’t get the saying. In any case, dedicate yourself and you too can bring home the cow (just don’t get the stupid dog).

See you at the races!                                                                                                      Kim

Dear Kim,                                                                                                                            I couldn’t help but to notice you have great legs. How do you keep them so toned?

Thanks, Jennifer from Canklesville, MD

Dear Jennifer,

I must agree, I have beautifully shaped legs unless of course you’re including the knees and the inner & outer thighs. Nature, unfortunately felt it unfair to bestow complete perfection upon me.  As a result, my advice will focus on the calves and quads.

To shape your calves:                                                                                                  Make certain to place the products that you use all day on high shelves. I like to use the top of the refrigerator.  For example, the top of my refrigerator holds pop tarts (morning), Cheetos (afternoon), margarita mix (evening), and Hershey bars (when everyone is sleeping). Whatever shelf you choose, it must be the right height, a too-lazy-to-grab-a-step-stool height. This will force you to repeatedly lift up onto your tippy toes until you retrieve your item.  I believe the fitness industry calls these Calf Raises. I call them Tipsy Toes, they’re actually part of my new fitness program,                                      Daily And Manageable Non-exertional Exercise, or simply…my D.A.M.N. Exercise.

As for the quads, well there are several opportunities  presented throughout the day in which you can work on those. Check out my “while waiting for Nair to work” advice. But if you don’t use Nair here are some other tips:.

1.  When you’re at the tanning salon, request the stand up booth. I often do my squats in there while developing a tan (multi-tasking).  I also pray that they don’t have a hidden camera on me like those 20/20 Undercover episodes would suggest.

2.   You should frequently  wear a micro mini skirt without underwear, then drop and pick up several items throughout the day. Unless you’re completely ghetto, you’ll use your quads to squat down instead of bending at the waist.

3.    Use the stairs instead of the elevator. I’m sure you’ve heard this advice before but I like to take it to a higher level of difficultly thereby increasing its effectiveness. Next time you’re using the stairs I want you to squat down in a “that’s right, I’m about to take a dump on these stairs” position – knees bent, butt thrust back, grimace on your face. You’ll be amazed at the burning in your quads when you reach the top. And you’ll know the results are immediate when everyone is staring at you, unable to take their eyes off your muscular legs. At least that has been my experience.

Thanks for your great question Jennifer! And please send me Before and After pics so I can include them in my upcoming book, Muscles & Margaritas: They Both Start with “M”

Take Care,                                                                                                                       Kim

*Names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.