Dear Kim,
I want to get your opinion on something. I have a gynecologist appointment next week and I’m debating on whether I should take my 4 year old daughter with me or hire a babysitter so that I can go alone. I’d hate to spend the money on a sitter and I know it would be an educational trip for her, but the whole idea of her coming along and watching is really uncomfortable. What would you do?
Thanks,
Virginia
Dear Vagina,
Let me just pretend for a moment that you meant ophthalmologist.
Yes, absolutely take her with you to get your vision checked, she’ll love it! She can practice reading the letter chart, squirt some Glaucoma drops in her eyes, or try on all sorts of funny glasses.
Hell, they’ll even give her a lollipop!
Have a great time and thanks for writing!
Sincerely,
Kim
Look, Vagina, I’m not one to shun educational experiences simply because they’re deemed too ‘awkward” or “uncomfortable”. After all, who do you think showed my kids about Pillow Pet procreation? That’s right, yours truly.
You can read that lesson here
But there are some places I don’t recommend taking your children, like fancy restaurants where I’m trying to have a GODDAMN martini in some GODDAMN peace, and the gynecologist’s office.
Don’t believe me? Here, let me tell you a short precautionary tale about my good friend “Susan” and her recent trip to the gynecologist.
Susan Goes to the Gynecologist
So Susan decided to bring her 3 year old daughter “Alice” to the gynecologist with her because, well…why not? (Oh, I’m about to tell you “why not”) After all, Alice was a relatively quiet child, well behaved, and easily entertained.
When they entered the examination room, Susan pulled a chair across the room and turned it so that it faced a window, overlooking a duck pond or some distractionary shit like that. She then handed Alice her iPad and told her to sit in the chair and play with her preschool apps. Little did Susan know, Alice was getting quite bored of those apps.
Fast forward 15 minutes…Susan was in the stirrups, making small talk with the doctor about how baby nurseries should be painted the color of their mother’s uterus, and does she know a Low VOC paint company that would do uterine color matching, when suddenly she heard a man’s voice. She looked over her doctor’s shoulder and there she saw…her vagina…Face Timing with dear old Uncle Bill.
(insert your own mental picture here)
Screaming, she yanked her foot out of the stirrup and kicked the iPad out of Alice’s hands, sending it across the room and shattering it into a million little pieces- much like Susan’s dignity.
And THAT, Vagina, is just one reason why you don’t take your kid to the gynecologist! The other reason is, it’s just plain weird.
Let me know if I can help you with any other obvious answers.
Cheers,
Kim
UPDATE: Turns out, due to Uncle Bill’s poor vision, he thought they were calling him from a pet store. He keeps bringing up the chinchilla.
.
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