Dear Kim,

I’m really disappointed with the narrow education my children are receiving due to the No Child Left Behind act. It seems like all the district cares about is state testing and preparing for the state tests. I fear that by “teaching to the test” my children are missing out on a well rounded education.

I’m starting to seriously consider homeschooling my children. Do you have any experience with this or any helpful advice?

Thanks,

Erica for Education

Dear Erica,

Do you occasionally drink to excess? If so, I’m guessing that homeschooling might exacerbate the situation, you may want to explore nearby Charter School options. But if your alcohol intake is firmly under control, 1.”What’s that like?” and 2. Read on.

Erica, last year, I too reached a point where I considered homeschooling. I was fed up with setting my alarm a full 2 hours before school started, just to give my 5 year old enough time to dress. You can’t imagine the stress it created! The girl can devour a nutritional Oreo Pop-Tart in under 15 seconds, but matching the right character underwear to her spirit animal and mood takes her all goddamn morning! So over Christmas break, I decided to try my hand at some DIY homeschooling, just to make sure it was the right move for us before committing.

Taking this endeavor very seriously, I established, trademarked, and incorporated my own for-profit educational establishment called the Ohio School for Highly Inventive Teaching. I was no joke! We even secured a mascot.

Mr. Bojangles wore our school colors, brown & light brown, a little less than proudly.

The facility at OH S.H.I.T was carefully selected based on experience, specialty, and most importantly, TV time slots. Dora taught cartography with the help of her assistant Map, Diego was in charge of Animal Science, Sponge Bob encouraged a positive attitude & a strong work ethic, and I instructed on most everything else (because I have an inflated ego and continue to erroneously believe that I’m good at most things).

Erica, for only $999 and a case of 2009 Caymus Cabernet from the Napa region, you can be my first OH S.H.I.T. franchise! Here, let me give you just a taste of the “Inventive” teaching lessons you can expect to receive from me each week.

History: Staying in your bathrobe, put an “Egypt” sign over your bedroom door and take the children to visit the Great Pyramids of Laundry. Explain to them that although scholars are still debating as to how they were built, you’re certain that, like you, bitter slaves did all the manual labor.

Geology: …then have them fold the clothes from the Great Pyramids of Laundry to demonstrate the process of erosion. Be sure to point out the sediment of unmatched socks.

Math: “If Sally is 5’3, weighs 145 pounds, does an hour of cardio, and is allowed 24 Weight Watchers Points per day, how many glasses of wine can she have tonight if she skips dinner?”

Reading: Hand them a book about the importance of reading books, hope they can read it, update your Facebook status to “Awesome Teacher!”

Writing: Instruct them to write a fictional story with you as the heroine. If it isn’t flattering or if you look fat in the accompanying crayon drawings, burn it before their traitorous eyes and tell them to start over.

Biology: Use Pillow Pets of various sizes to demonstrate how mammals are birthed. Ideally, you’ll want to use two of the same animal (my original cow/squirrel combo only created more confusion).

Gummy worms make great placentas.

Chemistry: A grape fermentation project. Enough said.

Erica, however you decide to structure your homeschooling experience, even if it’s not with OH S.H.I.T. Inc., here’s the most important part: Charge your kids an outrageous tuition rate, then make them work around the house for years to pay off their student loan. Trust me, that’s unfortunately one lesson that’ll prepare them for the real world.

Sincerely,

Headmistress Kim

*Full disclosure- at the end of the week, my children begged to go back to school. They said the only thing they learned is that I’m terrible with acronyms…and keeping up with laundry.