Dear Kim,

I have been following your excellent advice and also understand you’ve added running to your repertoire of amazing abilities. I feel now is the perfect time to ask your opinion on how to handle a ‘noise’ that may sometimes squeak out from ‘behind the lower area’ when walking /running with others.

Thank you, Slightly Embarrassed Susan

Dear Slightly,

I’m not sure I understand your nicey-nice talk. Are you trying to say that farts emanate from your ass while you run? If so, I can help.

Here’s my advice: Shit your pants. You only have to shit your pants once, after that your friends will think nothing of a fart. Of course, they might be concerned that you’re going to shit your pants again, but if they make fun of you for that then they were never your friends to begin with. I’m a firm believer that laughing at someone for farting is funny but laughing at some one for shitting their pants is just plain cruel.

If you feel like this isn’t an option for you (ie. constipation, empty bowels, etc), I have a couple more alternatives.

1. Make it so people don’t want to run with you.

When I run I flail my arms and legs wildly. But don’t do it too wildly otherwise passersby will throw you to the ground and stick a belt in your mouth so you don’t bite off your tongue during your epileptic fit. In addition to my running style, I take Mr. Bojangles with me (when he isn’t busy licking his own ass). We look something like this…

Mr. Bojangles, just before he pulled my jacket off.

I found that this is usually enough to put people off.

2. Muffle the sound

There are two ways of doing this. Your first choice is to make a “Wahoo!” yell as you’re farting. Now this is a little tricky because you need to be aware that you’re about to fart in order to pull this off successfully. I’m convinced that all those people in my spin class yelling “yeah, baby!” “wooo!” and “c’mon!” are all just letting one rip. That’s why I always look disgusted when I’m in there.

*Do not use this technique in meditative yoga.

The other way of doing this is an actual physical muffling. I’ve experimented with this and I find that cotton balls and a little duct tape work really well. And the duct tape actually keeps your ass from jiggling so you look tighter and firmer. An added bonus.

I hope I was able to help you, Slightly. Just stay away from the beans, nobody likes a bean fart.

Kim

Dear Kim,

My kids have been asking for a pet for the last 2 years. I think they’re ready for the responsibility. What kind of animal do you think would make the best “first pet”?

Laurie in Pettingham, AL

Dear Laurie,

I understand your desire to have your children learn about the responsibility and sense of companionship that comes with pet ownership. Studies show that when a child cares for an animal it can help them to become a more empathetic and nurturing person in an otherwise cruel world. Just don’t get a bird. My bird Petey was a total dick.

Laurie, I’ve had newts, fish, crabs (fresh water, not pubic), iguanas…basically all sorts of aquarium pets and they’ve all had the same thing in common, they smell like ass. And not normal ass, the kind of ass that takes three bowls of all beef chili. Don’t do it.

And don’t be fooled by cute bunnies or rodents, they just leave little turds around the house which you will always think are spilled chocolate chips until you taste them.

We currently have a dog and a cat. What a mess. Mr. Bojangles has continual diarrhea flare ups which I believe is linked to him using the cat’s litter box like some kind of walk up sushi bar.

I swore I would never get another animal again. Then a couple months ago Ana was crying about wanting another pet. I kinda figured this was coming because she kept accidentally killing the ants I gave her. She was only trying to pet them.

The first and last time she would pet Timmy.

I got to thinking about what kind of pet would be best for our family and I that’s when I brought home Rickalick, our invisible dog. The kids didn’t buy it at first but then I explained to them “just because you don’t see the invisible fence doesn’t mean it’s not there” then I let them hold the dog collar and walk through it. They couldn’t argue with my logic.

Rickalick is great. He never barks. The kids can take him for walks off leash because he never leaves their side. They spend hours in the backyard throwing balls for him to chase (he doesn’t like to fetch). And late at night, he and I curl up with a glass of Cabernet and some cheese…and he doesn’t steal my damn food when I get up to pee (Mr. Bojangles, you suck).

Of course, continuously convincing the kids they have an invisible dog is not without some effort. At least once a week I have to bring dog poop into the house and put it on the carpet. “Bad Rickalick, bad dog”. Then I make one of the kids clean it up since it’s their pet. And once a year we take him to our vet who gives our invisible dog a very visible bill for wasting his time.

Having Rickalick is really starting to pay off because the kids in the neighborhood have been asking for their own invisible dog. So we’ve adopted some more dogs and have started a breeding center in our downstairs powder room, it’s called I.D.I.O.T.S. (Invisible Dog Institute Of Total Suckers). We’re hoping to have them weaned and potty trained by Christmas.

Rickalick with the neighborhood kids. We couldn’t get him to smile.

Laurie, I’ve enclosed an adoption form along with an outline of our fees. If you’re interested in an invisible dog for your family just mail it back in with a deposit, preferably a cashier’s check.

Good Luck,

Kim