dogs

Tips for Tuesday! Be the Alpha in your Dog Relationship.

So I’ve been having some asshole-like behavioral problems with Mr. Bojangles lately, and I can’t remember if they started after this professional picture was taken

or after the adoption of our fuzzy wuzzy cutie patootie 3-legged dog, Buddy.

Either way, his antics are becoming ridiculous.

He steals food from the counter.

He ripped a hole in the couch.

He’s been sassing me.

He pees on the rug if I’m more than 5 minutes late for cocktail hour.

And he practices his musical urine cups at all hours of the night, leaving a mess for me to clean up in the morning.

At my wit’s end, I purchased every book written by that dog whisperer, Cesar Millan. I thought for sure he could help me.

However, while the literature was somewhat helpful, it didn’t address many of the issues I found myself facing. But there was one thing I took away from it, “Become the Alpha!”

Admittedly, I’m a total “Beta” what with the belly rubs, cuddling, baby talk, and carrying his shit in my hands during our walks. I knew I had to make some changes, and not carrying his crap was the first one.

Introducing….

The SHIT BAG

Materials:

Dog Collar

A coordinating purse (never sacrifice style for function)

*I thought about using my Fanny Pack, but the last place I remember seeing it was 1989.

Assembly:

1. Thread collar through purse handle

2. Put collar on dog

3. Refuse to feel sorry for dog

Usage:

Whenever your dog poops, distract him by yelling “squirrel”, and scoop up his poop. (Distraction is key, because picking up his poop may be seen as very “beta” behavior. And until genetic modification gives us dogs with opposable thumbs, we’re stuck doing it.)

Put the poop bag in the purse and continue on your walk while repeatedly saying “Who’s your Alpha now?!”

Enjoy your newly transformed relationship!

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A Feel Good Story! I’m not bullshitting you like I usually do.

December 3, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

As you all know, we’re currently fostering a 3-legged dog named Buddy. Buddy is an adorably sweet thing that doesn’t seem to be the least bit bothered by his shortcoming. Oh how I envy that.

Well, just this morning I received the following story from my father-in-law, who by the way, thinks Buddy is awesome (so he should probably just adopt him now). I won’t spoil the story here, but I will say that “it’ll make you feel good” (but not in that drug induced kind of way). And if you love animals, are pregnant, or have pms, you might want to have a tissue handy.

This is the story I received:

This dog was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2002. He was born with two legs. He, of course, could not walk when he was born. Even his mother did not want him.

His first owner also did not think that he could survive and he was thinking of ‘putting him to sleep’.

But then, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted to take care of him.

She became determined to teach and train this little dog to walk by himself. She named him ‘Faith’.

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfboard to let him feel the movement. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward for him for standing up and jumping around. Even the other dog at home encouraged him to walk.

Amazingly, only after 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on his hind legs and to jump to move forward. After further training in the snow, he could now walk like a human being.

Faith loves to walk around now.

No matter where he goes, he attracts people to him. He is fast becoming famous on the international scene and has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows. There is now a book entitled ‘With a Little Faith’ being published about him. He was even considered to appear in one of the Harry Potter movies.

His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take him around the world to preach that, “even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul.”