Dear Kim,

I we have a cat that is very old and we know she won’t live much longer. We’re starting to think about how we’ll break the news to our kids when she dies. How would you do it?

Thanks,

Kat in Hairballia, MD

Dear Kat,

How do you tell your children that their beloved cat died? You don’t.  The way I see it, there is no good way to break the news, and even the best explanations leave the children with heartache and questions about life and death that I’d rather not answer.

If you’re going to follow my advice you have two options: pretend your cat is still alive or convince your children that the cat never existed in the first place.

Keeping her alive…furever.

Take a look at this…

This is our hermit crab Lily, she’s been dead for two months and our kids have no clue.  To keep up pretenses, I periodically move her around the cage and eat a little bit of her food everyday.  And sometimes, when the kids come home from school, I tell them stories of the funny things Lily did while they were gone. To hear me tell it, she’s a real hoot! I recently moved her cage next to the litter box, it helps to explain the fishy smell and it deters them from playing with her as often.

When, our dog, Mr. Bojangles dies I plan on having the local taxidermist stuff him with an electric blanket. We’ll run an electrical cord out of his ass and plug him in so he’ll feel warm and lifelike when the kids kiss him goodnight.

Purr-tend she never existed.

If you ask Collin about his dog Skittles, he’ll say “who?”.

Collin believes Mr. Bojangles is the first dog he has ever owned, and that’s by complete design. For the first two years after Skittles’ death we took great pains to remove any reminders of his existence.

The day he died I donated his food bowls, toys, and bed to a nearby animal shelter.  And when Collin got off the school bus and asked “Where’s Skittles?”, we simply said “Who?”. From there on, there was no turning back.

Skittles was cut out of all family photos and Christmas cards, home movies were burned.  I very meticulously replaced the voids with pictures of our current cat.

The back of this photo says “Collin and Skittles. Mittens at Xmas”

All Skittles’ stories and memories were revised.

 “Remember going to the cat park every Saturday with Mittens, that was fun!”

We even made certain to remove Skittle candies from Halloween bags, Easter baskets, and movie concession stands, least they be a reminder.

Right now, our family and close friends are reading this and saying to themselves “I don’t remember them ever having a dog named Skittles.”    Exactly.

Kat, *making your children feel crazy is way better than making them heartbroken. *Therapists may disagree.

Good luck in whatever path you take. But if you use my taxidermist (I included his card) please use my name as a referral; he offers a “one small animal with each referral” incentive program, and our hamster is about to expire.

Kim