Today, I’m sharing my Florida vacation (days 1 & 2) through photographs. And if you didn’t read about our flight, you can check it out here (if you care or you’re extremely bored).

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Brian was scheduled to be in meetings all of Wednesday afternoon and evening, so I drove out to Madeira Beach to meet up with my aunt, uncle, and cousin.

If you know me, you won’t be surprised to hear that I got lost. A trip that should have taken me 40 minutes at the most, took me almost 1.5 hrs, and that’s with the GPS. Honestly, when it comes to highways, exits, routes, signs, ugh, forget it! I need directions like “Hang a right at the Target. Follow that road until you get to the store where you bought those cute little headbands, then make another right. When you come to your third liquor store – the one that offers free tastings every Friday, veer to the left. It’ll be on the right, next to the house with the ugly pink shutters.”

So when my directions said “Exit in 1.5 miles, toward Boward County/Steel Rd (Rt. 76N)”, I naturally ended up in a strip club parking lot…

We’re not in Kansas anymore, boobies.

When I finally arrived, we headed out to a little French restaurant.

The Gulf Bistro

As the “guest of honor”, my family asked me to choose the wine for our table. Oh jeez, the pressure- I know jack-shit about French wine.

Me to the owner: What wine would you recommend?

French Owner: Well, what will you be having for dinner?

Me: I’m not sure yet.

French Owner: What kind of wine do you like?

Cousin Carla: Something foxy, yet unassuming.

French Owner: … ?

Me: What does that even mean? Isn’t that a contradiction?

Cousin Carla: I don’t know! I’m just trying to think of some adjectives.

Aunt Charline: Carla, let Kim do the ordering. She’s the expert, she writes wine reviews. (hahaha- bad cheapo wino reviews!)

French Owner: Oh really?!

– ok, so now the french lady is all impressed and thinks that I’m a wine aficionado. Then this happens…

French Owner: Well, what kind of wine do you like?

Me: I like chewy wines.

French Owner: …. ?

Because she looks confused, I assume there must be a language barrier- so I try this…

Me: You know, something chewy that you can really sink your teeth into (I start making chewing motions and grunting).

Me: But I want it to be smooth and soft like a child’s well-loved blankie

I say this while slowly rubbing my napkin up & down my cheek. Then, for emphasis, I close my eyes and smile softly, like I’m in a far off dream. When I open them, she has a disgusted look on her face.

Me: Red. I like red.

Later, I got myself caught in the fringe curtains that separate the dining room from the bathroom.

After dinner we headed to the Daiquiri Shak, where we drank and watched Cousin Carla’s very talented friend, Jeremy Thomas, perform.

[embedit snippet=”jeremy”]

Then we moved on to…dum dum duuum….El Loco Cigar & Wine Bar.

Don’t worry, we didn’t inhale.

We had a great time here! We talked about a smorgasbord of topics, including face lifts, cats, and the existence of God- sometimes all in the same sentence. We also met interesting folks, like the gentleman who sent us these cigars (I’d rather a Cabernet) and Doug of Doug’s Doggie Style grooming…

Doug’s Doggie Style Grooming….a business he can stand behind. Man, I crack me up!

Around 12:30 am we headed back to the condo to get some much needed sleep. Did I mention that I planned on staying the night? Yeah, I forgot to tell Brian that too.

The next morning we dropped Carla’s pirate hat off at her house….

Don’t you just hate it when you forget your pirate hat at your mother’s house?

Then we went shopping, where I scored a bracelet for…wait for it…c’mon guess….91 cents! Can you believe that shit!? It was an expensive store too! Clearance on top of clearance, baby!

And on our way out of town, I stopped in the middle of the road and snapped a picture this church…it looks just like a chicken! Do you see it?!

An egg-cellent church to attend!

My aunt calls it “Chicken Church”- where the congr-egg-ation flocks to worship. You may have seen this church recently, as I posted it on my blog’s Facebook page and it went viral. The national media picked up on it and the pic has been everywhere, from Yahoo news to the Huffington Post. Sadly, my little blog was not given any credit:( Instead, I’m referred to as “the photographer”, which I guess is kinda a compliment because my pictures are usually crap.

Later that night, Brian and I went to dinner where a lady peed on my foot. I’ll tell you about that later this week.