I like to start off (and end) by addressing a question that I’ve been asked over and over again by our friends and family: “Why didn’t we receive a Christmas card from you and Brian this year? Don’t you love us anymore?”
This is what happened:
Dec 1st: Brian asks me to start thinking about our Christmas cards. I start thinking about the playhouse I’m going to build Ana for Christmas.
Dec 5th: Brian asks me if I picked out our Christmas cards. No, but I’ve selected the perfect color palette for the playhouse!
Dec 10th: Brian asks me if I ordered our Christmas cards. Not yet, But I did order Latisse because I’m tired of getting eyelash extensions. Sure, I’m a little concerned it’ll turn my blue eyes brown but it’s a risk I’m willing to take and…oh, look you’re walking away
Dec 13th: Brian asks me when our Christmas cards will be in, as he needs to mail some to his clients. Good News! I was able to get free two-day shipping on my Latisse order!
Dec 15th: Brian reminds me that Christmas is in 10 days. Oh, shit, I better get started on that playhouse!
Dec 16th: I order the Christmas cards from Costco, assuming they’ll be ready for pickup in an hour. Oops, I ordered the wrong ones…they’ll be ready in 7-9 business days. I’m so screwed! I tell Brian they’ll be ready in “a couple days” and pray that Costco was exaggerating. I then examine the progress of my eyelashes in the mirror before heading to Lowe’s for lumber. So. Much. Lumber.
Dec 17th: Brian asks if the Costco cards are ready. My eyelashes look the same.
Dec 18th: Brian asks if the Costco cards are ready. I watch as my last eyelash extension falls out and gently lands on the white bathroom vanity, much like the last sad leaf of autumn.
Dec 19th: Brian asks if the Costco cards are ready. Stop asking me that! Can’t you see I’m going through a really rough eyelash transition period?
Dec 20th: Brian isn’t talking to me. I decide to order forty 1-hour Walgreen cards as back-up. They look like crap but he sends them to his clients anyway.
Dec 21st: Costco calls, the cards are in. I start the playhouse.
Dec 22nd: I can’t be bothered with the Costco cards because I’m determined to remain in the basement until this damn playhouse is finished. Brian hands me food, water, and a pee bucket through a hole in the wall. He also offers me a lecture on “better planning” but I seal the hole back up.
Dec 23rd: The playhouse is finished! I emerge from the basement covered in sawdust and glue…and trying to remember a time when my eyeballs didn’t burn.
Dec 24th: I decide that I’ll cross out “Season’s Greetings” on our Christmas cards and replace it with “Happy New Year!” then mail them the day after Christmas.
Jan 1st: Brian asks if I ever mailed out our Christmas cards. No. Ana says she doesn’t want to play in her basement playhouse because “it’s too scary down there”. Are you kidding me?! And my eyelashes are still stubby. Son of a bitch!
So, friends & family, if you didn’t receive a Christmas card from us, it doesn’t mean we don’t love you- we simply didn’t send ANY cards out. However, I won’t let them go to waste. Look for our holiday card coming to you this July, mixed in with your “Christmas in July” sale ads. And if you don’t receive one in July, well then that means we don’t love you.
