I’m back, baby! Did you miss me? I missed you! (I’m talking to the wine, not you…I see you guys like everyday)

Ok, so on Phase 2 of my body cleanse, I’m not supposed to consume anything with sugar or starch in it, which means I have to drink red wine instead of white. Hey, back off- stick to interpreting your own damn diet.

For this review, I figured that I would change it up and drink something other than cabernet. At first, I considered trying a carmenere (I assume it’s a type of grape?), then I thought about a pinot noir, or maybe a shiraz? I really had no clue what I wanted.

I ended up walking around the liquor store (like every Tuesdays at 10am) with a confused expression on my face, instead of my usual giddiness. Unnerved by the change in my demeanor, the store clerk came rushing over to see if he could help me, his most frequent shopper.

Him: What are you looking for?

Me: Well, I write wine reviews online, specifically focusing on affordable wines. (I could tell he was impressed) I was thinking about trying a Camenere.

Him: You mean a Carmenere? (Shit, shit, shit. you look like an asshole now, Kim.)

Me: Ahh, yes. Did I say Camenere? How silly of me. (trying to regain my dignity)

Him: A Carmenere goes perfectly with heavy meals like pasta, cheeses, and meats. Without food, it can be a little pungent.

Me: Hmm, that won’t work for me. I’ll be drinking this wine alone, in bed, and most likely on an empty stomach because I’m in Phase 2 of my body cleanse. Trying to lose the ol’ belly before swimsuit season, know what I mean? (this is where I grab my belly, give it a shake, and officially lose his respect).

I went on to describe what I did and didn’t like in a wine, using adjectives like, blanket, new baby doll, diapers, and lickable (not to be confused with likable). I have to give the guy credit, he just nodded like it all made sense to him.

This is what I ended up selecting:

2008 Crios de Susana Balbo Syrah-Bonarda – $14.99

Winemaker’s Notes – Dark reddish/purple color. Intense aroma of black raspberries and a touch of vanilla. Experience a rush of flavors upon first sip of this medium-bodied wine – ripe blackberry and red plum, young forest floor, hints of smoke and spice. This depth of flavor and intensity on the palate is almost unheard of for wines at this price. It’s a winner both before and during a meal. Certainly enjoyable in its youth, but will age beautifully. A fun wine to try with a wide range of red wine-friendly foods and one that will delight even the most pretentious connoisseur.

Kim’s Notes – First of all, what’s a Bonardo? I figured it’s a nickname some kid named Bernard uses to make himself sound cooler. Liquor clerk said, “no”. Turns out it’s a grape that squirts out sweet and oaky goodness.

I had my first sips with my healthy bean-free turkey chili. I remember the wine as being smooth, warm, and delightful…much like the footed ducky pajamas I wore on the deck while drinking it.

I feel like a baby, but drink like a big girl!

Honestly, these PJ’s were the best deal ever! $5.99 on clearance at Kmart! Run, don’t walk!

I say “remember” because within a few minutes of consuming my chili, I experienced a familiar sensation…”turkey chili reflux”. Not one to give up, I continued drinking, trying to push the vile reflux back down. I imagine my esophagus looked like tiny salmon trying to swim upstream.

After half a bottle, I threw in the towel because I could no longer taste the subtle notes and flavors through my cumin burps. Are you loving the visuals I’m painting here? What’s important here is that I liked it, I really liked it and I think you will too!