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Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

July 16, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 – $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

January 15, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

Before I begin, let me remind you that my liquor buds are still recovering from Thursday night’s debacle, and may not be 100% reliable. In fact, I didn’t even feel like drinking last night…but I did it anyway. The things I do for you.

angrove

Angove Family Winemakers Red Belly Black Shiraz 2009 – $13.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes – Inky black with purple and garnet hues, this wine follows its lovely color with aromas of rich plum red currant and licorice together with spicy vanilla oak. The soft silky texture and fruit richness of the palate have great length and finish with exquisite mouth filling dark fruit flavors.

Kim’s Notes – Like Cherry NyQuil but without the “the night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so- you-can-rest” part.

Now for some people, NyQuil has become a lovely acquired taste, one that they associate with that warm and fuzzy feeling capable of rocking you gently to sleep despite piercing cries of “Mommmmmy! Billy pooped on the floor again!” Those people might actually LOVE this wine. Not me. One drop and I looked like a cartoon character who’s accidentally chugged a gallon of poison, all twitchy and gagging with foghorns coming out of my ass.

On a positive note, the winemaker was spot on with the whole “silky texture” and “mouth filling” comment…but I suppose you could say the same thing about a well executed Shit Pie.

Oh, and here’s the funny thing, I said to Brian “Never buy that wine again!”, then he said to me “I didn’t buy it, I thought you bought it.”

So to whoever brought it to my house and left it to die “STOP THAT!” The next time you decide to bring a bottle over here for my possible consumption, please check my very easy to find wine recommendation list first. (Am I an ungrateful bitch or what?)

*Can you believe, despite my bitching about the NyQuil flavor (licorishy – did I mention I hate black licorice?), I still had two glasses? Yes, I like to be thorough.

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday…on Thursday

January 2, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

C’mon, did you really think I’d spend New Years Eve sipping a cheap wine, or better yet, have the sobriety to write a review about it? If you answered “yes”, then you’re an optimistic fool that has a high (and totally unfounded) opinion of me. And I like you. You make me want to be a better person.

Moving on.

Today’s cheap ass wine is….

 gouguenheim

 
Gouguenheim,Valle Escondido , Cabernet Sauvignon, 2012 – $8.95

Wine Makers Notes – Deep ruby color with purple hints. Classic Cabernet Sauvignon with aromas of black fruits, spices and a hint of vanilla scented oak. A range of layered flavors including chocolate and spice, leading into a long finish.

 

Kim’s Notes – “Smooth and Plump” – not unlike my legs when they come out of winter hibernation and are given their first shave of the season.

I was truly surprised at just how smooth this wine was, given its cheapo price-o tag-o.  However, you know I love me some deep oak flavor, and well, I can safely say “No oak trees were harmed in the making of this wine.” When the wine maker’s notes said “hint of vanilla scented oak” he wasn’t kidding! But that’s ok because this wine had such a nice finish, no tartness or shitty tang (I HATE tang), that I truly enjoyed sipping it while watching House Hunters International and daydreaming about moving to Dubai.

Gougenheim’s mellow nature and rounded mouth feel remind me of a nice Pinot Noir. But then again, what do I really know about wine?

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday! A Carmenere you’ll love!

September 25, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Ventisquero Reserva Carmenere 2011 – $12.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: “This Reserva Carménère is cherry-red in colour with hints of garnet. Intense aromas of very ripe blueberries, black and red currants, strawberries and cherries harmonize perfectly with touches of cocoa, tobacco and elegant oak. The palate is rich and well-balanced, with lush, generous tannins that highlight the clean finish.”

 

Kim’s Notes: “Amen, Winemaker, A to the men!”

 

Things I want to do with this wine:

1. Literally bathe in it with a loofah sponge made from Parmigiano-Reggiano.

2. Roll it up and smoke it while listening to the sounds of the Asian Whale mating song. (Even I’m not sure what I mean by that. Must be the flavors of tobacco talking.)

3. Bring it home to meet my parents, then scream “I don’t care what you think, I love him!” when they don’t approve.

4. Walk hand in bottleneck along the boardwalk, stopping to take silly pictures of us in one of those black & white photo-booths.

 

5. Watch “The Notebook” together and imagine what we’ll be like as a couple in 40 years, then remember that he’ll be gone in 40 more minutes.

6. Invite him and his identical twin brother over to my house. I’d pop their corks and drink them both…at the same time! I know, I’m a naughty naughty girl.

 

Honestly, those tasting notes are right on the money so there’s no need for me to elaborate. Besides, I’m too busy drinking. Just trust me, I thoroughly enjoyed this wine and you will too!
 
 

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