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Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

July 16, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 – $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

April 9, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

As you may know, I simply adore oaky chardonnays which, according to fou-fou wine forums, pretty much makes me the white trash of the wine world. Ok, maybe not “loves white Zinfandel” or pronounces Merlot as “Mer-LOT” wine trash, but wine trash none-the-less. Well guess what? They can suck it!

Today, I give to you my current fave…muirwood

Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco, 2012 – $12.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: 

 A full-bodied Chardonnay with a generous helping of Golden Delicious apple and buttered pear flavors. Savory and delicious on its own; an apple-stuffed pork loin would be an ideal food pairing.

 

Liquor World forum reviews: 

“When Chardonnay comes to mind people generally think of medium/light bodied wines that don’t have overbearing tastes. This wine just has way to strong an Oak taste and is not an overall satisfying taste for most drinkers.” – Polar Vortex   Too strong an oak taste? Oak taste not satisfying for most drinkers? SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, Polar Vortex! You (and the weather you were named after) can go to Hell.

“I don’t know why the words citrus or tropical are in the description, but if you like a heavier fully bodied chardonnay, this one is worth a try and won’t break the bank. It has a very nice finish that doesn’t leave you wanting a glass of water later, but rather you are content with the flavor of the wine lingering on your pallet.  Usually, I enjoy a white wine but then find myself getting something else to drink later.” – Cab Clown I was right there with you, Cab Clown…but when you got to the part about drinking water instead of wine, quite frankly, I became disoriented and confused. I also felt some anger surfacing.

“You know I almost hate to do this cause when you hit a winner like Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco you almost want to keep it hush hush it’s THAT GOOD. Kim Crawford used to be my go to Char in the 10 buck club but not now. ~~Waves~~ good bye to Kimmy.”  – AdMan  Oh SNAP, AdMan! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, Kimmy.

 

Kim’s Notes: Plump, smooth, and round…everything I imagine an Italian mother to be.

Unlike Polar Vortex, I didn’t find the oak taste to be overbearing.  In fact, I loved it IN SPITE of it not having a super oaky flavor. This is the kind of wine you could drink all night…until you realize that the bottle’s almost gone, so then you cork it and put the last 2 ounces back in the refrigerator just so you can tell yourself “If I had a drinking problem, I would have finished it.” You can trust me on this, I’ve sampled it A LOT.

Pairs well with pork rinds and menstrual cramps.

 
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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday – A Cabernet that I LOVED!

January 8, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

carnivorjpg-cd641328b278ec10

Carnivor, Cabernet Sauvignon, 2011 – $13.00

 

Winemaker’s notes: This spectacular red has everything you expect in a great bottle of wine and something you don’t, the high price. Just loaded with inky, tooth staining Cabernet fruit, soft tannins and great spice and chocolate notes.

 

Kim Notes: The name alone made me want to suck it down with a hunk of raw cow while wearing an animal skin bra and a necklace made of bleached bones. But seeing as I don’t eat red meat, nor live in Bedrock, I settled for a baked potato and yoga pants.

Guess what? I think I’ve found One Classy Motha’s “Bargain Wine of the Year”! WOO-HOO!!! CONFETTI EVERYWHERE! *Not to be a downer, but keep in mind that it’s only January 8th.

Let me just say, for an inexpensive wine, Carnivore is smooth, rich, deep, luscious, and so dark that I guarantee your dental hygienist will hate it! Honestly- think black teeth and a not so flattering wine mustache. Worth it!

I totally owe Brian for this find! Thank you, Brian!

He’s so good to me! Every time he goes to the liquor store for his expensive microbrews, he never fails to bring me back some cheap ass wine. How many wives can say that? Not many, I bet.

Run, don’t walk, maybe drive, to the nearest liquor store for this love-in-a-bottle, today!

 

I like to take a moment to thank my sponsor www.giftsforyounow.com for offering personalized and affordable gifts, like this apron that I’m buying myself for President’s Day:

wine apron

 

 

2 Comments Filed Under: cheapo wino review, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Cheapo Wino…Thursday! Oyster Bay Pinot Noir

September 5, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

2011 Oyster Bay Pinot Noir – $12.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: Oyster Bay Marlborough Pinot Noir is elegant cool climate pinot noir at its best. Fragrant, soft and flavourful with aromas of ripe cherries and sweet fruit tannins that provide structure and length.

 

Kim’s Notes: I’m going to make this one relatively short. Ana has her first day of preschool tomorrow and, seeing as day drinking is frowned upon, I want to quickly settle down tonight, in my bed, with a martini to celebrate in anticipation. And being that we just got back from “Meet the Teacher” night, I’m inspired to present my review in bad Dr. Seuss style. Enjoy.

 

Oyster Bay

I do not like Oyster Bay

I would not drink it any day

I do not like it

not one little bit

I do not like it

I wanted to spit

Would you drink it in a glass?

I would not drink it in a glass

I would not drink it, it tastes like ass

I do not like this Oyster Bay

I do not like it any way.

Would you drink it in a bar?

Would you drink it in a car?

I would not drink it in a bar

I would not drink it in a car

I would not drink it in a glass

I would not drink it, it tastes like ass

I do not like Oyster Bay

I do not like it any way.

Would you drink it in a park?

Would you drink it after dark?

Not in a park

Not after dark

Not in a car

Not in a bar

I would not drink it in a glass

I would not drink it, it tastes like ass

I do not like Oyster bay

I do not like it any way

Would you, could you

if your day was bad?

I would not, could not

if my day was bad!

Would you, could you

if it’s all you had?

WTF do you mean, if it’s all I had?

I’ll tell you what…

 

I would so, could so

crush your spine

If you did so, done so

drank all my good wine!

 

 

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