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Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

July 16, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 – $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

April 9, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

As you may know, I simply adore oaky chardonnays which, according to fou-fou wine forums, pretty much makes me the white trash of the wine world. Ok, maybe not “loves white Zinfandel” or pronounces Merlot as “Mer-LOT” wine trash, but wine trash none-the-less. Well guess what? They can suck it!

Today, I give to you my current fave…muirwood

Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco, 2012 – $12.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: 

 A full-bodied Chardonnay with a generous helping of Golden Delicious apple and buttered pear flavors. Savory and delicious on its own; an apple-stuffed pork loin would be an ideal food pairing.

 

Liquor World forum reviews: 

“When Chardonnay comes to mind people generally think of medium/light bodied wines that don’t have overbearing tastes. This wine just has way to strong an Oak taste and is not an overall satisfying taste for most drinkers.” – Polar Vortex   Too strong an oak taste? Oak taste not satisfying for most drinkers? SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, Polar Vortex! You (and the weather you were named after) can go to Hell.

“I don’t know why the words citrus or tropical are in the description, but if you like a heavier fully bodied chardonnay, this one is worth a try and won’t break the bank. It has a very nice finish that doesn’t leave you wanting a glass of water later, but rather you are content with the flavor of the wine lingering on your pallet.  Usually, I enjoy a white wine but then find myself getting something else to drink later.” – Cab Clown I was right there with you, Cab Clown…but when you got to the part about drinking water instead of wine, quite frankly, I became disoriented and confused. I also felt some anger surfacing.

“You know I almost hate to do this cause when you hit a winner like Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco you almost want to keep it hush hush it’s THAT GOOD. Kim Crawford used to be my go to Char in the 10 buck club but not now. ~~Waves~~ good bye to Kimmy.”  – AdMan  Oh SNAP, AdMan! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, Kimmy.

 

Kim’s Notes: Plump, smooth, and round…everything I imagine an Italian mother to be.

Unlike Polar Vortex, I didn’t find the oak taste to be overbearing.  In fact, I loved it IN SPITE of it not having a super oaky flavor. This is the kind of wine you could drink all night…until you realize that the bottle’s almost gone, so then you cork it and put the last 2 ounces back in the refrigerator just so you can tell yourself “If I had a drinking problem, I would have finished it.” You can trust me on this, I’ve sampled it A LOT.

Pairs well with pork rinds and menstrual cramps.

 
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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday! Hacienda Chardonnay 2011

August 21, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

 

Hacienda 2011 Chardonnay -$8.99

TheWineryOnline.com Notes – Bright yellow-gold color. Aromas of butter-cream and hints of freshly cut grass. Mid-palate opens with lots of butter-cream and hint of apple. The oak is well integrated and finish is smooth and silky. Food pairing: Salmon, Fried Chicken, Pasta w/ lemon-garlic sauce.

 

Kim’s Notes – “My Hacienda’s a rockin’, so don’t come a knockin’!”

Let me tell you how Hacienda and I met. It’s a boring story, but one that I can make interesting with a picture of Brian.

So Brian and I went to dinner at this new restaurant down the street. The menu looked great, but our waiter was a bumbling mess- no really, a mess. I swear it was his first night waiting tables…anywhere. No biggie, as long as he put the orders in correctly. And at least he wasn’t cooking.

Then it was time to order dessert, and dessert is serious business for us.

Me: Can we have the flourless chocolate cake but without the raspberry sauce? Can you substitute it with chocolate sauce?

Waiter: So you don’t want chocolate sauce?

Me: No, I don’t want raspberry sauce.

Waiter: Ok, so NO sauce.

Me: No, I want sauce, but can it be chocolate sauce?

Waiter: Ok, no raspberry sauce but you want chocolate sauce?

Me: Yes! (yelled way too excitedly). Or if the chef has ganache, could he use that? Could you ask him?

Waiter: Ganche? Sure. And don’t worry, I’m preparing it myself!

BOOM!

P.S. this was Brian’s honest to god reaction, I had my phone ready.

We ended up with chocolate sauce, not ganache. At least it wasn’t raspberry.

After dinner, we walked over to the wine store because they were having a tasting and tasting things is sorta my “thang”.

Apparently, the chocolate martini and glass of wine from dinner were kicking in because Brian said I pointed out my favorite bottle of wine like 3 times (Louis Martini, Cab. Napa, 2009). Then I asked the owner to select wines for me, specifically for my Cheapo Wino reviews. And as I stared into my wine fridge last night, it seems that Hacienda was one of them.

And that’s how Hacienda and I met.

Can I just tell you how lucky I feel?! It’s like going home with a guy one drunken night and finding out in the morning that he’s the man of your dreams- rarely happens (or so I’m told).

My formal review: I detected a slight twang when it initially touched my palate, but that was followed by a warm, oaky goodness that bitch slapped the encroaching apple flavor away. Mmm mmm. This wine pairs well with chocolate chips, microwave popcorn, and pork – or my favorite, chick flicks and an empty stomach.

Buy me some today!

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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday! I review a white wine! Can you believe it?!

May 22, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

It’s that time of the week again! If you’ve been keeping up with me, you know that I’ve been reviewing only red wines lately because of my low carb diet. Well guess what? After my trips to Turks & Caicos and Madeira Beach, FL, my body is chock full of sugar and carbs! So I said to myself “Candy Ass (positive self-talk), you might as well indulge in a white wine before picking your fat ass off the floor (negative self-talk)and low-carbing it again”.

So that’s what I did.

Estancia Chardonnay, Monterey 2011 – $11.99

Winemaker’s Notes: “Chardonnay is made from grapes grown in our Pinnacles vineyard on the western flanks of the Gavilan Mountains in Monterey County. In this up-and-coming region, the cool climate and sandy, well-drained soils keep yields low and fruit intensity high. The cool Monterey climate accompanied by a long growing season produced a ripe, mouthfilling Chardonnay. Subtle oak accentuates bright fruit. A rich, fruity bouquet and soft, creamy texture of this Chardonnay result from combining the best attributes of barrel and tank fermentation.”

Kim’s Notes: “Oh, yeah! You won’t last long, my refreshing little friend.”

The moment this golden liquid (the color of straw, or diluted urine) touched my lips, I knew I would love it forever and ever. In fact, we’re getting married and he’s taking me to Monterey County for our honeymoon to see where he was born. What he doesn’t know is that I’m going to drink his whole damn family. Shhh.

On my first sip, I detected notes of pear, pineapple, vanilla, and butter. Mmm, it smelled delicious, almost like a warm perfume that I’d want to lick off my own neck. I’m actually wearing it right now, and I wish my tongue was longer.

By my third glass, I got out of bed, headed to the kitchen, and started thinking about which foods would pair well with my new love. Based on my limited pantry, here’s what I’ve come up with: popcorn, turkey jerky, Fig Newtons, croutons, cereal fruit bars, strawberry Pop Rocks, and salt & vinegar flavored crickets.

I’m just kidding guys…everyone know strawberries go better with Cabernet.

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PS- after you click the banner it’ll seem like nothing happened but trust me, you voted! and I’ll love you a little bit more…but not more than my wine. sorry.
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