camp cheapo — Page 2

Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 6 Mini Session

August 12, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

The day began with our exterior house painter banging his ladder on our roof and I’m sure seeing one of us naked through the bathroom window. And by the way, there’s nothing worse than someone seeing you naked while you’re totally unaware. It’s not the feeling of violation that bothers me, it’s the not knowing to suck in my gut that pisses me off .

After breakfast and before the kids came over, I took the dog (Mr.Bojangles) out with me to talk with the painter. Bo had been barking at him all week and I wanted them to meet so he could see that Bo wasn’t so bad. Well as we were talking I heard a familiar tinkling sound. It took a moment for the noise to register (because I was too focused on holding in my stomach). I looked down to see Mr. Bojangles, with one leg hitched up in the air, peeing all over the painters belongings: caulk gun, paint cans, radio, coffee, etc. This man must hate us. …

Anyway- the kids came over and we set up shop. Today’s activity was to make Goop, some swishy gooey stuff. It looked like a fun project, something they could take home for hours and hours of enjoyment. Yeah right. First off, my ingredient calculations were a bit off because I didn’t buy enough glue so we had to cut the recipe by 1/3 for each child. Let me pause here to say, as a future educator I understand the importance of teaching children to read a recipe, measure, and make calculated adjustments. I am, however, also a lazy parent and as such I taught these kids the fine art of “eyeballing it”. Consequently, I also taught them a valuable lesson- “eyeballing it” does not yield great results. The goop turned into rubber balls that refused to bounce. Don’t skip math class, kids.

I reluctantly let them add food coloring to their kinda-goop mixture. Oh and did their little eyes light up at that god-forsaken-stains-everything stuff. I warned them that mixing all the colors would create an ugly greenish brown color (Not sure how I knew this). Well of course they had to test this and they created piles and piles of glistening brownish-greenish mess. It looked like my dog’s butt had exploded from eating too many Shamrock shakes.

It was disgusting and they loved it. They also loved chasing each other with it, threatening to smear it on one another. Why do these activities never end with the civility I envision? Thank god for 100 ft hoses. While they chased each other, I called the girl across the street to watch them and I headed out to get my nails done. Of course the nail lady wanted to know if I had a fungus growing under my nails. I explained the food coloring thing but she thought I was lying and threw on rubber gloves.

Check out Notes from Camp Cheapo, Season 2. It keeps getting cheaper.

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Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 5

August 12, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Remember yesterday I was concerned that parents wouldn’t send their kids back because of the little snafu with the body paints (see notes from Day 4)? Well they didn’t. Of course it was explained with clever excuses like “going to visit my aunt”, “quality time with my dad”, and “my mom can’t believe you let me write LMFAO on my arm”. But you know what, I promised my kids 5 days of Camp Cheapo and by God they were going to get it whether they liked it or not.

It was another crummy, rainy day so we knew we had to stay indoors. …..Ok, this is where I’m going to stop and admit that I am freaking exhausted. I have been sprayed with shaving cream, hit with water balloons, I’ve sat in outdoor bubble baths, cracked my ass on slip N slide, and had my entire legs painted in red hearts (which won’t come off). I needed a reprieve. I suggested we play Library, Hospital (I play the coma patient), or Morgue. Basically any game where I could rest or sleep. They saw the pattern and held their ground. A compromised was reached, Boomers Playland.

After convincing Ana about the importance of wearing pants (see Day 4) we dressed and headed out. It was immediately noticeable that Ana was either extremely tired or just sick of us. The moment we walked in the doors she made it clear to Collin that he was her Be-otch. The moment he defied her orders was U.G.L.Y. First, he made the rookie mistake of standing up to her in a fenced area with only one exit…and she was blocking it. Dumb move. It went like this:

Ana “Come on Collin, NOW!”

Collin “No” <tremble>.

Uh oh. It all happened so quickly and yet I can still see it in slow motion. First there was a shrill scream followed by her leaping into the air- it had a Bionic Woman quality to it. She landed on his chest, took him down, and secured him with some sort of “Don’t-you-know-I’m-a-crazy-bitch, asshole!” choke hold. Anyone else watching would confuse the screams with kid excitement but I knew it was an out and out fight.

I took some pics of the altercation until Collin’s sputtering became more of a wheezing and the terror in his eyes became hard to ignore.

I pulled her off and she threw her body on the ground in anger and disgust.

I turned this party around by ordering a horrible Boomer’s pizza. Gag. Once their blood sugar went up I saw hints of brotherly-sisterly love until Collin hurt himself on a moonbounce (don’t ask me how, I thought it was impossible too). Ana, as sweet as she isn’t, could give a rat’s ass. Knowing we wanted to leave, she took off. I tracked her down.

When we got back I successfully convinced them to play movie theater. We watched a movie on our big screen and vegged. It’s nice to know that even the young kids get tired, it’s not just me in my advanced age. It wasn’t our most exciting day but we were together.

I’m too tired to write a deep synopsis on what a wonderful experience this week was (and it was). I will say that my house is a mess, the dishes aren’t done, and there are errands that need to be run but that’s ok- it was worth it. I knew we loved each other but it’s something special to realize just how much we really like each other!

Collin wants to do Camp everyday for the rest of the summer. While it’s not totally practical (did I mention how tired I am?) I did say that we will do it 1 or 2 days a week because it really was fun!

So I did a Day 6 mini-session. Don’t ask me why.

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Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 4

August 12, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

I warn you, this is mostly about body functions.

The day began very ominously with dark clouds, diarrhea, urine, and chafing (none of it mine)…all before my first cup of coffee (I average 3 per morning)…

To begin, Ana had chafing on her inner thigh from her pool vest worn on camp days 2 & 3 so she refused to wear underwear or pants. Instead, she walked around like a tiny cowboy with flesh tone chaps- bowlegged, pale butt, tan legs. And she swore she didn’t have to go potty (foreshadowing here people, pay attention).

I came downstairs to find that Mr. Bojangles (the dog) had a bout of diarrhea on my area rug. Why must it always be the area rug?!? He treats it like some goddamn indoor grass. What’s wrong with the hardwood? Brian was mad, saying Bo must have eaten the leftover egg guts thrown at the trees on camp day 3. I disagreed. As the appointed “poopologist” in the house…what’s a poopologist you ask? Well, it’s like a person who reads tea leaves but instead of predicting the future I can determine what stupid shit you ate. Anyway, I argued that “if the eggs were in fact eaten, this poop (said while holding a magnifying glass and sounding like Sherlock Holmes) would smell like rotten eggs AND have remnants of eggshells. However, this poop has surprisingly little aroma and is…” (Brian’s about to spoon yogurt into his mouth…wait for it) “as smooth as yogurt.” Besides, we recently found out that we’ve been feeding our dog the worst dog food on the market. Supposedly it has something akin to chicken beaks, unicorn hoolves, and ground car parts in it. His stomach is plenty strong.

As I’m cleaning this up, naked Ana tells me she has to use the bathroom. I notice she has a funny look on her face that I can’t place. I tell her how proud I am that she’s using the potty. The face then changes to one I easily recognize- guilt. I retrace her footsteps ( it’s easy because they’re all wet) and find HUGE puddles in the sunroom. At least the cleaning products are out already.

I eat, drink coffee, then the kids have arrived. They are bummed because the approaching storm is keeping us from our whipped cream fight. However, we can still body paint in the garage. Yay!

I set out the tarp, paint, brushes, baby wipes, and away we go. Right away I am disturbed. I anticipated painting rainbows, hearts, and pirate faces. Instead I’m asked how to spell “slaughter”, to paint an arrow on an “I’m with stupid” chest, and my 3yr old is painting her whole body in black paint.

If i wasn’t already certain, I quickly realize this activity is going south when I see one child painting “LMFAO” on her arm.

We hose down. All the paints wash off easily except the red and black colors so, of course, “Man Slaughter”, “I’m with stupid”, and “LMFAO” are clearly legible. This is how they go home. We’ll see if their parents send them back tomorrow.

Read Day 5 and find out….

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Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 3

August 12, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

Today Camp Cheapo was scheduled for a field trip to Camp Just-As-Cheap (my friend Colleen’s house). However, I received a disturbing text that Camp Just-As-Cheap was under quarantine due to vomiting and other disturbing bodily functions. Plan B …

Fortunately my Camp Director, Events Coordinator, and Lead Counselor (me, me, and me) are skilled at developing plans on the fly. They also used to have great abs and perky boobs before son #1 came along (I have pics I can email). But I digress.

I quickly made a run to Walmart for supplies because, while Camp Cheapo is prepared mentally and emotionally, we are unprepared physically. Besides, I believe impulsivity and last minute bad product choices encourage creativity (What the can I use this crap for?), teach valuable life lessons, (i.e.. Plan better next time) and they seem to be a big hit with the kids.

After securing my provisions we got in line. Just so you know, 20 cans of whipped cream, 5 bags of gummy worms, 2 boxes of tampons, and a tarp raises a lot of eyebrows…even at Walmart.

I was suddenly self conscious and immediately felt misunderstood by the cashier. Every time he scanned a whipped cream can I was willing him to ask me what I was doing with everything (well, maybe not the tampons). Beep… beep…beep…nothing. Finally he looked up and said,”I’m going to IHOP tomorrow morning. They have better pancakes than Denny’s”. What??? Was this crazy talk a defense mechanism? Did I make him nervous? Was his brain on overload? What if I suddenly threw zip ties onto the conveyor belt- would he drop and curl into the fetal position? HE made ME nervous.

When I got home, children wearing goggles were pacing my driveway. I told them I’d be out at 1pm. They set their watches.

We began with the ol’ “fish the gummy worms from a plate of whipped cream with your hands behind your back” game. It was disgusting. I originally pictured foamy whipped cream covering their cute little faces. Instead I got gummy worms being spit onto my picnic table with strings of spittle connecting them to their owners. I wanted to puke.

Then we began the egg relay race. I remember this game from my childhood. You place an egg on a spoon and run down a lane and back, handing off to your partner. We played one round then the kids decided that breaking the eggs over their heads and throwing them at my trees was more entertaining.

On to water balloons. Again, an hour produced 12 useable balloons. Why do we keep making these?!?!? Finally, we went to the pool. On the way over we made the “I don’t know you and you don’t know me if you get in trouble” agreement. Another great day!

Tomorrow, body paint.

Read Day 4, here

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