Ana’s Kindergarten Timeline

day 1 – While on the bus, Ana finds the extra pair of underwear that I packed in her backpack. She then places it on her head and twirls around. Brandon, her seatmate, is wildly impressed and begs to become her boyfriend. She grants him his wish.

day 4 – Ana says Brandon’s been very aloof, staring out the window and not answering her when she calls to him. Determined to avoid a relationship built on neglect and rejection, she starts sitting with quiet Billy. Quiet Billy lets her do most of the talking and that suits her just fine.

day 6 – Today, the bus driver tells Ana that Brandon’s name is really Cameron. Good news: He wasn’t ignoring her, he just didn’t realize she was talking to him. Bad news: Their time has passed, she’s already recommitted herself to quiet Billy. At least, she thinks his name is Billy.

day 8 – She finds herself missing Cameron or, more specifically, missing his appreciation of her toilet humor. But at the same time, she’s equally fond of quiet Billy’s tremendous listening skills. To her, the solution was simple. “You can both be my boyfriend!” she proposes while putting an arm around each.

day 9 – Cameron and Billy sit together, giving Ana the cold shoulder.

Me- “You sit by yourself now?”

Ana – “Yeah, Cameron and Billy don’t like me anymore so I had to break up with them.”

Me – “You know, you don’t need a boyfriend…like ever.”

Ana – “I don’t want to talk about it.”

And this is just Kindergarten. Lord help us.