So I’ve been having some asshole-like behavioral problems with Mr. Bojangles lately, and I can’t remember if they started after this professional picture was taken

or after the adoption of our fuzzy wuzzy cutie patootie 3-legged dog, Buddy.

Either way, his antics are becoming ridiculous.

He steals food from the counter.

He ripped a hole in the couch.

He’s been sassing me.

He pees on the rug if I’m more than 5 minutes late for cocktail hour.

And he practices his musical urine cups at all hours of the night, leaving a mess for me to clean up in the morning.

At my wit’s end, I purchased every book written by that dog whisperer, Cesar Millan. I thought for sure he could help me.

However, while the literature was somewhat helpful, it didn’t address many of the issues I found myself facing. But there was one thing I took away from it, “Become the Alpha!”

Admittedly, I’m a total “Beta” what with the belly rubs, cuddling, baby talk, and carrying his shit in my hands during our walks. I knew I had to make some changes, and not carrying his crap was the first one.

Introducing….

The SHIT BAG

Materials:

Dog Collar

A coordinating purse (never sacrifice style for function)

*I thought about using my Fanny Pack, but the last place I remember seeing it was 1989.

Assembly:

1. Thread collar through purse handle

2. Put collar on dog

3. Refuse to feel sorry for dog

Usage:

Whenever your dog poops, distract him by yelling “squirrel”, and scoop up his poop. (Distraction is key, because picking up his poop may be seen as very “beta” behavior. And until genetic modification gives us dogs with opposable thumbs, we’re stuck doing it.)

Put the poop bag in the purse and continue on your walk while repeatedly saying “Who’s your Alpha now?!”

Enjoy your newly transformed relationship!

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