Dear Kim,

We have so much damn Halloween candy at our house! How do I keep my kids from eating it all? Should I just throw it away? I don’t want them to hate me but I also don’t need a huge dentist bill! Help!

Terri in Candyfrigginland, CA

Dear Terri,

Rule #1 – Never ever do anything that your children can pin directly on you. Raising kids that don’t hate you or rat you out to their future therapists requires a certain level of psychological manipulation on your part. Terri, you’ve come to the right place.

The first thing you need to do is to separate the candy into two piles, candy you love and candy you hate.

Taffy? ugh. That should come with a coupon for a root canal.

Next, you’ll want to hide your favorite candy for private consumption at a later date. I like to choose my candy hiding spots by taking cues from drug trafficking movies. However, I don’t recommend shoving anything up your hooha- I did that once with Whoppers and I swear those damn malt balls gave me a yeast infection.

Some locations I have successfully used are:

– inside metal curtain rods

– books that I’ve hollowed out (preferably ones that you’d never reread. I like to use cookbooks)

– inside tampon boxes (what sicko is going in there for candy? You are, Slick!)

Damn right, Kit Kat’s are SUPER!

– under toilet tank covers

It’s really a good hiding spot for almost anything.

Now that your new candy is safe, it’s time to destroy your children’s remaining supply.

The way you go about this is very specific to your family’s situation. Here are a few options I have used over the years:

Does your child have allergies?

Collin is allergic to walnuts. They cause his lips to swell, his throat to itch, and his eyes to water. Needless to say he avoids them at all cost. So when I don’t want him to eat something I simply say “it contains walnuts” or “it may have trace amounts of walnuts” or “produced in a factory that uses walnuts”. Then I add “Oh man, that stinks!” The poor kid goes running for the hills like a grenade is about to explode. Consequently, he’s developed a paranoia about the junk food industry trying to kill him.

Do you own a dog?

Mr. Bojangles is my fall guy. And it’s a role he’s comfortable playing as long as I slip him a Pop Tart for his troubles.

To pull this off, you need to spread the vile candy on the floor, scatter some wrappers around, and place your dog in the center. Quickly (before your pet actually eats the candy) snap a picture of your “bad doggie” in a compromising position. Make certain that the picture is blurry- you want your children to believe you were rushing in to save their candy.

*if you don’t have a dog, you can use a fat cat. But never use a bunny or a goldfish, that’s just insulting your kid’s intelligence. Isn’t it bad enough that you’re lying to them?

Ants

This approach is for the truly desperate parent, only to be used when all other tactics fail. You need your children’s candy to become infested. Hundreds of tiny bugs crawling all over food creates that “Oh hell no! I’m not eating that shit!” reaction that you need.

Ok, so it’s cold out, ants are getting harder to come by. I am going to go ahead here and recommend www.antsalive.com . They offer priority shipping and discounts on multiple supplies. Mention my name and you’ll get my 10% Halloween discount*. I use them for all my ant needs**.

*No you won’t.

**No I don’t.

***Important note: Have ant spray handy when they arrive as this approach does pose some risks. If you accidentally let ants loose in your house at Halloween, I can guarantee they ain’t leaving until well after Easter. And for God’s sake Terri, don’t buy the red fire ants no matter how cool you think they’ll look covering a Almond Joy!

Terri, I hope I’ve given you some useful advice or at least helped you develop some of your own ideas that will fit the needs of you and your family.

Legal Disclaimer: Never substitute my advice for your own common sense…’cause that would be stupid.

Sincerely,

Kim