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Free Advice Friday! Sucking at Motherhood? I doubt it.

Dear Kim,

I feel like I’m sucking at this motherhood thing.  Everyone around me seems to have their act together and I’m such a mess. My kids are always late for the bus, I forgot about my daughter’s Show and Tell day, my kids refuse to eat a healthy meal, and I can’t remember the last time I dusted.  All these screw ups, and I don’t even work outside of the house!  How does everyone else make it look so easy?

Sucking at Motherhood,

Sally

 

 

My dear, dear Sally,

Honestly, I don’t believe there’s a mother out there that has her shit together.  And if you think you know one, I guarantee she’s faking it.  She probably fakes those over-the-top orgasms too…

But if she’s not faking it, it’s possible that she’s just not sharing her problems with you.

Take me for instance, I’m sure everyone thinks I’m pretty much perfect. And why wouldn’t they? Just look at the way my underwear always matches my Lulu Lemon yoga pants to disguise the hole in my crotch, how I shave my legs almost every third Monday without fail (excluding Columbus Day), the fact that I never ever entertain guests without wearing pants or a bra. Yes, I imagine, on the surface, I can be quite intimidating. But once you get to know me, you realize that I’m just like every other mother out there, forgetting her kids at the gym daycare and hiding empty wine bottles under discarded boxes of organic cereal stolen from the neighbor’s recycling bin.

Sure, my life might appear to be all roses but it’s more like “all carnations”- you know, not without some emotional strife.

I worry that my daughter’s steady diet of turkey hotdogs will deprive her of essential nutrients causing her to grow crooked like a tree sapling planted in partial shade. But I serve her hotdogs anyway.  Every time we buy our son a video game simply because he wants it, I worry that we’re not teaching him the value of hard, honest work. But I’ve yet to create a chore chart because it’s quicker and easier for me to do a job myself. And when my daughter says “A” is her favorite number…ugh…I worry that she’ll be behind when she enters Kindergarten next year.  But have I made those multi-sensory flash cards that I found on Pinterest? No. No I haven’t.

Speaking of Pinterest, I saw this great quote:

So true.

But I think it needs a little rewording…for us…

 

 

Let me ask you this, Sally: Do your children love you? Do they feel safe? Do they know how much you love them? If so, then you’re rocking this Motherhood thing! Trust me, that’s all anyone will truly remember, and in my opinion, it’s the only thing worth remembering.

 

Give your kids a hug & make Pop Tarts for dinner,

Kim

 

 

 

 

 

 

Free Advice Friday! My period is always late!

 

Dear Kim,

I’m a stay at home mom of 3 children (all under 6) and I can’t imagine having another one, I’m pretty much at my sanity threshold as it is.  The problem is, my period is frequently late and when that happens I TOTALLY FREAK OUT! I’m debating about asking my husband to get a vasectomy. What’s your opinion?

Thanks,

Late Lucy

 

Dear  Lucy,

If you’re certain you’re done having children then I say ask for the vasectomy.  But be aware, men consider a vasectomy to be a type of sexual currency.  That’s right Lucy, after his “ticket gets punched”, he’ll shove his big hairy arm in your face and wait there expectantly until you present him with a wrist band good for unlimited rides on the “love train”.  And guess what? That damn wristband never expire. Ever.

source www.nationalticket.com

BUCKLE UP

EXPECTANT MOTHERS SHOULD NOT RIDE

REMOVE LOOSE ARTICLES BEFORE BOARDING

REMAIN SEATED AND HOLD ONTO THE BAR

NO SINGLE RIDERS

 

Can you handle that kind of commitment?  If not, then I say skip the vasectomy and resolve the period issue.

Based on a lifetime of my shitty experiences, here are 5 ways to ensure that your period arrives on time:

 


1. Wear white pants – Ivory, Eggshell, Pearl, it doesn’t matter, any shade of white will do. I suggest pairing your white pants with a blue top; at least you’ll appear patriotic.

2.  Plan a vacation around your period due date – You don’t actually have to go on the trip, but you will need to plan it in enough detail that the universe believes it’s happening. The universe loves to crap on a great vacation. (*packing your bags will improve results)

3.  Swim with sharks/ Camp with bears – Basically put yourself in any situation in which having your period would be life threatening condition.

4  Go hiking without a tampon – Not any old hiking, this must be “miles from civilization and we have no phone signal” hiking. (*I recommend bringing along a leaf identification book)

5. Plan a date night – This technique works best if you haven’t had sex with your husband in weeks.  Because when Mother Nature hears a booty call, she answers it, “Wrong number, bitch!”

 

Lucy, these techniques have yet to fail me- and I’m sure, with proper execution, you’ll find them to be as equally effective. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you lots of luck…and no more kids.

 

XOXO,

Kim

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Free Advice Friday! My son’s video games are expensive. Help!

Dear Kim,

I know you have a son the same age as mine, so that’s why I’m asking you this question. My son is always asking for video games, game downloads, and computer games that his friends have so that he can play online with them. He does great in school, plays sports, and does chores around the house so I don’t mind buying him things but it’s getting very expensive. I’d hate for him to not be able to join in with his friends but I can’t keep this up. And it’s not like he’s old enough to work. What should I do?

Advice please!

Misty

 

Dear Misty,

About 8 years ago, my sister-in-law’s uncle’s wife’s friend lived and worked in the small town of Warwick. Most of the town was employed by a factory that made adhesive glue for post-it notes, tape, and stickers. One fateful afternoon, the factory unexplainably blew up, covering the town in a heavy sticky rain. Windshield wipers seized up, birds dropped to the ground, and people stopped in their tracks (mostly because they couldn’t move).

Stuck On You Inc. knew they had a PR emergency on their hands and, in retrospect, regretted their company name.

At first, they tried washing the town with soap and water but their product’s claim of “Super Powerful & 100% Waterproof” turned out to be true. They felt both a sense of pride and a surprised disappointment.

For the next week, Stuck On You Inc. tried everything they could think of, scrapping, smearing peanut butter, spraying acid (that was a very bad idea), nothing worked. Meanwhile, phrases like “I got stuck at work” and “I found myself in a sticky situation” took on a double meaning in Warwick and had to be clarified.

Then one night, a factory executive was watching TV when an infomercial for Goo Gone came on. Having had several tumblers of whiskey, he picked up the phone and ordered 1,000 cases, making him eligible for free shipping & handling and 12 complimentary Sham Wow towels.

7-10 business days later, the townsfolk bonded together (both literally and figuratively) and successfully coated everything in the citrus based Goo Gone. Thankfully, most of the glue was removed but it left Warwick smelling like the bottom of Minute Maid Orange Juice container.

Misty, in memory of this catastrophe, the town actively encourages young residents to set up orange juice stands and to donate their proceeds to the “Great Glue Explosion Fund”. The purpose of this fund is to provide mental health support to those victims still affected by the tragedy, victims like Gloria, whose dog runs away from her whenever she tries to pet him.

“I just want Fluffy to love me again” – Gloria

Misty, in case it isn’t obvious, my advice to you is to tell your son to be grateful he isn’t covered in glue, then have him set up an orange juice stand and use his earnings to buy his own damn video games. And buy Goo Gone, that shit is awesome! *not a sponsored post, but should be. Call me, Goo Gone!

Keep it classy!

Kim

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Free Advice Friday! You want me to what?…camp?

Dear Kim,

I always turn to you with these “motha knows best”!
This week DH bought a huge 3 room tent?!?!? WTF???

DH :Honey the kids will love it!
Me :We never camp! Our idea of camping is the Hilton,honey, right!?!?!right?!?!

Well, Mr. Boy Scout took 3 hours to set this up today on our beach while I was shopping. Ugh. The kids came home and are so excited!

“We can camp on our beach! It will be so cool Mom!yeah!!!”

Please help! How can I make this tent more like home? Where do I get things for my tent? And I mean real comforts like outdoor down blankets, mattresses, and a small wine cooler.

I really need some tips here. The kids want to sleep out soon, and they’re really not old enough to be down there by themselves.

Please advise.

Camping in Comfort

 

 

Dear Campy,

I’ve only been camping once in my life, and boy was it rough! The water pressure was horrible, the continental breakfast was crappy, and the mini fridge barely reached above room temperature. *I just asked Brian which campground we stayed at, he said it was a Motel 6. close enough.

Personally, what I would do is hire a babysitter and make her sleep in the tent with the children. Of course, this is going to require you to tap into your kid’s college fund because today’s average babysitter charges more per hour than Yingtai, the lady who waxes my hoo-ha.

Side note: I remember one particular day, staring at a blurry Yingtai through a sheet of my own tears while hooking a leg behind my head and wondering “why doesn’t she just babysit kids instead?” Then I came home to mine. I get it now, Yingtai, sometimes waxing vaginas is just easier.

 

If you don’t have a sitter available, try communicating your comfort requirements to your family. I find that when dealing with young children or men, pictures are most effective.

I considered including a fireplace for chilly nights, but I thought it might be impractical.

Strike a deal, if they can meet all of your needs then you’ll gladly sleep in a dirty-ass tent. Granted, it’s not really a win-win situation, it’s more of a win -“this win sucks” win.

It took them a little over 3 years, but last month our kids finally saved up enough birthday money to purchase everything on my “Tent Demands” list. I thought for sure I’d have to camp out this summer, but when I asked “Do you have a backup generator for the espresso machine?” they just looked at each other and cried….and I made reservations at a 4-star hotel.

Look Campy, don’t let your family guilt you into camping, you do what makes you feel comfortable. And if anyone tries the “they’re only little once” line on you, well that’s BS! Ana has been little for 4 years now. In fact, I put her to bed last night and when she woke up this morning, guess what? she was still little. Sure, you’ll feel like shit when your kid is 36, living back home, and blames your lack of parental involvement for his divorce, but that’s a long ways off.

Now you go and rack up those Hyatt Regency guest points, girlfriend!

Kim

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