Now that bikini waxing season has come to a close and leg hair maintenance has slowed down, I find I have a lot more time on my hands. Frankly, I’m kind of relieved, as weeding both my yard and my body was getting rather exhausting.
Every summer, I waste precious time and money trying various ways to eradicate my body hair. I’ve used messy home waxing kits, a god awful EpiLady that literally ripped the hairs from my nerve endings, and I’ve even performed a sad duct tape experiment which did little more than exfoliate my skin. But in the end, I always come back to good ol’ Nair.
“Nair?” you ask. Well, for those of you not “in the know”, Nair is a wonderful, deadly chemical that melts away body hair in ten minutes and burns a hole through the ozone layer in five- so you know it works. I love it! (This is not a sponsored post. If it were, it’d be the worst one ever.)
The instructions say to put it on your hairy parts for a maximum of 6 minutes, but I treat that as more of a suggestion than a warning because chemical burns are hardly noticeable when you have an awesome tan. So I spend a full 15 minutes naked, cold, and covered in white cream, while avoiding furniture and doing squats. Hey, if I have 15 naked minutes to kill, it’s either have a drink or do squats…and unfortunately, the Potassium Thioglycolate fumes interfere with the bouquet of my wine.
* I highly recommend you lock the bathroom door while doing this otherwise you might burn your kid’s eyes out…and I ain’t talking from the fumes. Here, want to see a pic of me getting my Nair on? click here.
I’ve discovered that it’s important that you remain upright while waiting for the Nair to work on your bikini bits. I once dropped something on the bathroom floor and bent down to retrieve it, ten minutes later I was bald in some areas and had crop circles in others. Not the look I was going for.
And because I really like you, I’m going to tell you something that many women will not share…when you’re bare down there…are you ready for this?…your pee goes everywhere! It’s so disgustingly true! I realize some women like to line the public toilets with toilet paper, so for them this may not be a problem. However, I prefer to hover in public restrooms, but (make a note here) you CANNOT hover with a Brazilian or even a Nair-Brazilian knock off. A ship needs a rudder, if you know what I mean. Show me a pee splattered toilet and I’ll show you a “bald down there” girl.
I can’t even imagine getting a Brazilian. Having someone so up close and personal, and who probably doesn’t even want to be there in the first place, is totally awkward and not unlike some of my past dates. When would I schedule it anyway? First thing in the morning? I don’t even go to the dentist without brushing my teeth in their lobby first. So how could I get a Brazilian without the opportunity to shower seconds before stripping? I guess I could always shove an Altoids up there? Though, I pray I remember to pee first…ever put an Altoids in your mouth then drink a glass of water? Cold flames from Hell, my friend. Cold. Flames. From. Hell.
Oh screw it, I’ve got at least 8 months to worry about this. So back to my original point: Fall is here ladies, relax, enjoy the long pants, and let your body hair down!
