For the past couple months, I’ve been saying that I’m going to come out with an alternative to Beaver Babies for teaching “where babies come from”. After all, not everyone has a vaginal delivery, I didn’t (normally I would wonder if that was tmi, but I’m pretty sure I crossed that line a long time ago).

Well today is the day that you’ve been waiting for (at least two of you, anyway)…drum roll please…today I’m debuting the C-section Baby tutorial!

So grab your scissors, felt, and faux pubes and let’s have a baby!

Materials

Felt, glue, faux pubic hair, and random craft crap

Instructions (contact me for templates)

1. First, you’ll need to trace all the templates and cut out the body parts for your mommy. I kinda winged the head.

…then the same for the baby.

2. match up the back of the baby with the front of the mommy and cut out a c-section opening. Sadly, this one here looks like my first crappy c-section *scar.

* Dr. Cooke, how about the next time you use staples (instead of stitches), you try not forgetting about your patient for weeks. Then maybe you won’t be forced to throw down your Office Depot staple remover in exchange for the pair of industrial pliers you keep hidden in your desk. Just a suggestion. And you suck.

3. Sew the boobies on the mom. Now remember, if you’ve always wanted bigger, perkier boobs, now’s the time. Next, glue just the tips of the body parts on the very edge of the main body then fold them in.  Put the front and back of the mommy together (right sides facing each other) and sew around edges. turn inside out.

Voila!

Ok, my proportions might appear to be off but I assure you, at 5’3, this is how I looked pregnant…like a engorged tick. Make your own damn modifications if it bothers you. I only create what I know.

4. Don’t forget to add the piece de resistance…the faux pubic hair!

Tip: We all know that a very pregnant lady can’t even see her vajayjay, let alone shave down there. So to make it look more realistic, apply a shitload of hair, then layer it with more. I was tempted to use the whole damn bag.

5. Now it’s time to assemble the baby by sewing the facial features and blanket together. Then put the baby front and baby back together (right sides together) and sew around edges, then turn inside out.

6. It’s time to put them together. Turn the baby inside out and shove it in the mommy’s belly…like nature intended. Then stitch the openings together.

7. Now you can personalize it by adding a photo of the mom-to-be! Here I am…

This pic is from our Christmas card.

Not surprisingly, staring at my face on this doll gave me pregnancy flashbacks and I suddenly felt very exposed. So I sewed myself a little pink maternity dress.

That’s better.

Now you’re ready to explain to your children about the miracle of life through c-section! Let me re-emphasize “your children“- believe it or not, some parents are so uncomfortable discussing anything remotely sexual that they would rather let their children learn about the birds & bees from ignorant 6th graders on the school bus. I should know, I’m one of them.  I’m not busting this thing out until their wedding day.