I purposely avoid my recycling guy by scurrying inside when he pulls up. He’s the only person who knows exactly how many pop tarts, margarita mixes, and bottles of wine we go through each week. Basically, all of our bad choices are laid out on the curb for this man and I’m convinced he’s judging us. Not to mention the neighbors, like me, on their morning walk. They probably think I’m a pill bottle and cigarette carton away from some sort of intervention.
I am, however, cool with our trash man, he has no clue what I have in that big lidded can. It could be full of Rainbow Skittles or decomposing bodies, either way it doesn’t matter because that automated arm will dump it while he sits in his truck texting or something.
So, if you haven’t figured it out, today’s tip is going to focus on various ways to disguise your recycling bin contents.
Today’s motto: Look like a better person without actually being one.
Before I begin, half of you are probably asking yourself “Why not just switch your recycling bin with the neighbor’s?” Well, I like your thinking but there are two issues with this:
1. This requires you to have neighbors with recycling bin materials such as, 50% post consumer toilet paper boxes, free range egg cartons, and Fair Trade Coffee canisters. Most of us aren’t fortunate enough to have a non-drinking, composting, organic-eating vegetarian next door.
2. I haven’t been able to properly time this without the risk of being caught. If you attempt the switch, I highly recommend having a long convoluted story ready.
The other half of you are wondering why I just don’t put my embarrassing recyclables in the regular trash can and call it a day. To you I say, “Mother Earth killer!”
So here are some tips:
1. Blanket Your Blunders – Use Trader Joe’s and Whole Food brown bags to lay on top of your shameful items. Now if you don’t have one of these bags (which I’m assuming you don’t or you wouldn’t be reading this) you can use one of your many “Wine-N-More” bags by turning it inside out and writing the word “ORGANIC” in black sharpie. Be sure to use your best handwriting or it may mistakenly be read as “ORGANS” or “ORGASM” and that would totally defeat the point.
2. Nesting Trash Method – This involves nesting your trash like those cute little stacking Russian dolls. Let me give you an example from my last week’s trash…
beer bottle (inside of) poptart box (inside of) industrial chocolate chip bag (inside of) potato chip bag (inside of) pizza box (inside of) extra large dog food bag. See how that ended with only the respectable item in view?
3. Vases Not Bottles – Before depositing liquor bottles in the bin, just remove their labels and put dead flowers in them. It says, “What? I’m recycling my vases, jeez.”
* I’m so excited by this new tequila bottle I bought that really is going to be used for a vase later!
4. Got Milk? -Cover bottles with organic milk containers. In fact, this is why I buy organic milk. Simply cut the container in half, insert your wine or beer bottle, then place the top half back on. This also works well with Orange juice containers made from 100% Natural Florida Oranges.
I hope these tips have helped you. By the way there are some things that you should NEVER attempt to recycle despite them having that little triangle thingy on the bottom- things like, tampons, paternity tests, or Weight Watcher dinners .
Let me know if you have any clever ways of concealing your bad habits, I’d love to use them!
