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Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday! It’ll hit you like a Sledgehammer!

Today’s wine selection is brought to you by Ana. That’s right, I let my 4 year old daughter peruse the wine bottles and choose one for me based on gut feeling and, most likely, label appeal. It’s my assumption that she carries the wine choosing gene in her DNA, and I wanted to test that theory.

I set her down in the American wines section and watched her bypass all the fancy labels with names like “St. Michelle” and “Bon Terra”. She didn’t stop until she reached “SLEDGEHAMMER”. Am I surprised that my tough little girl picked something named SLEDGEHAMMER? Kinda, but only because she can’t read.

As we were paying, the cashier reached down and offered Ana a lollipop. She quickly snatched it out of his hand, and I, just as quickly, snatched it out of hers. I shoved it in my jacket, patted my pocket and said, “She only gets this if I like the wine she picked”. A reminder to her that wine is serious business.

Sledgehammer Zinfandel, North Coast California, 2010 – $9.99 (sale)

 

Sledgehammer’s website: This is not the elegant, delicate sipping wine that you’d find at your grandma’s bridge club. To the contrary, Sledgehammer Zinfandel is big, bold, and spicy. It pairs well with grilled meat and loud music.

Review by WineDiva: It has an abundance of raspberry and sweet baking spices, chocolate and espresso aromas lead to a secondary layer of fruit – blueberry and black cherry with vanilla. The palate reflects the nose – it supplies generous fruit, has a supple texture and fine cocoa tannins lingering on the finish.
Typical seductive Zinfandel characters…
You can never go wrong with a bottle of Zin at a barbecue. The potent sweet, ripe fruit and inherent spiciness is perfect with burgers, spicy sausage, chilidogs or sweet and tangy ribs.

Kim’s Notes: So here’s my problem…did you notice that the above notes stress the importance of eating meat with this wine? Well, 1) I prefer to drink my wine on an empty stomach, while laying in bed. It’s how I get the most bang for my buck AND 2) I don’t eat red meat.

My first impression, it had a nice medium body and there was some oak to it, but it was a little too tangy for my liking. But I kept thinking about the winemaker’s emphasis on grilled meats. Determined to give it a fair shake, I went to the refrigerator and grabbed a bag of Turkey Pepperoni. The rest of my tasting went like this: chew pepperoni, sip, chew pepperoni, sip, chew pepperoni, sip… This went on until both the bag and my glass were empty.

You guys, it was sooo much better! In fact, I couldn’t taste the tang at all…it actually had a sweetness about it. I guess there’s something to those “wine-pairing meals” after all. Who knew?

My overall impression: If you’re serving something spicy, BBQy, meaty, etc., then this is the wine for you. But if you’re just looking for something to compliment a light depression or a heap of mounting stress then you might want to try something more like this.

oh, I gave Ana the lollipop.

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Tips for Tuesday! Sugar Free/ Low Crap Chocolate Cake

As you may (or may not) know, I’m currently on a low carb/low sugar diet for as long as I can stand it.  For today’s tip, I planned on giving you a recipe for a low carb chocolate cake.  So let’s do that…

 

Low Carb/ Low Sugar 1 Minute Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

1 egg

2 T Cocoa powder

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 T softened butter

1 T cream

1 tsp baking powder

5 packets splenda / stevia to taste

 

Directions

Mix it all in a coffee mug that’s been sprayed with Pam.  Microwave for 1 minute, see that it has the consistency of diarrhea, then microwave for another minute.  It is now a “2 minute” cake.

 

Mine looked like this:

I was prepared to say, “it tastes like ass”, but it didn’t.  Ass tastes better.  So I came up with a Plan B usage.

 

Plan B

1. Take a spoonful of the cake and form it into a turd.  (oh yeah, you know where I’m going with this.)

 

2. Clean your filthy floor

 

3. Lay the turd on the floor and call one of your children down. (and forget to take pic of the turd on the floor…it looked awesome, guys!)

 

*Now let me stop here to say that I was surprised that Brian was totally on board with this.  In fact, he’s the one that called Collin downstairs.  Collin figured it out immediately, so we moved on to Ana.

 

4.  Ask your child why there’s poop in the floor and if it’s hers or the dog’s.  Odds are, she’ll look disgusted and shrug.  Then you say, “Well, there’s only one way to find out.”  then you pick it up and EAT it!  Make sure to really savor the poop, concentrating on all the flavors, like you’re trying to figure out who it belongs to.  Watch the turmoil on your child’s face and enjoy.

 

*Ok, so here’s where Brian got upset.  You see, he thought I was going to gross the kids out just by picking the poop up, not by eating it.  How long has he known me?

Now he’s concerned that Ana’s going to go around doggie parks sampling crap like an all-you-can-eat buffet.  Umm, she’s not an idiot, she got the joke.

Oh god, I hope she got it.

Does that smile say “Haha, funny joke” or “Poop tastes like chocolate? Yay!”?

 

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My Weekend Through Crappy Pics.

This weekend was Ana’s 4th birthday, and let me tell you, she had a major bug up her ass! My guess is, she already detests getting older.

The festivities began on Friday, when we took cupcakes to her preschool to share with all of her little friends. According to sources, once the obligatory “Happy Birthday to You” song was sung, Ana chastised the group for singing the updated “cha cha cha” version. Her exact words were “Next year, you don’t sing the “cha cha cha” part. It made me mad!” Something tells me they won’t be singing at all.

On Saturday, we took her to one of those crazy maze/germ pit places. Unfortunately, her foul mood from Friday seemed to have carried over. She pretty much looked like this the whole time…

That bottom right pic is her telling her brother to basically kiss off.

She spent most of her time in the maze, periodically popping out only to give us dirty looks.

And every time we tried to leave, she’d run back into that god-forsaken gerbil tube and hide…

Smarty pants knew we couldn’t go in and snag her because the rules were being strictly enforced by a 16 year old maze guard…

Having no socks, Ana would often taunt me from the other side of this mat.

Eventually we lured her out with the promise of pizza, then we all sat around watching her eat it ever. so. slowly. She did that on purpose.

Once home, we presented our offerings to the alter of her Bitchiness. Everything seemed to be going great until…a little misunderstanding.

The Misunderstanding

Collin had kindly spent his own money to buy Ana a gift, and on the car ride home he gave her some clues as to what he bought.

Collin: “It’s pink, you build it, and it has a chalkboard.” (it was a Hello Kitty scientist Lego set)

We got home and she opened her gifts. Collin gave her a huge pink ball first, then the Lego set. She seemed happy and they both started playing with the ball…then something clicked in her little mind. She stopped mid kick and said “Wait, you didn’t get me a skateboard! Where’s my skateboard?!”.

Collin: “I said a chalkboard, not a skateboard.”

Girlfriend lost her damn mind! She screamed “I don’t like you, I don’t like your ball, and I don’t like your Hello Kitty present!” and kicked the ball HARD into the wall so that it went ricocheting all around the room.

Don’t worry we got it all on video….and she went into time out…and she eventually chilled out…and she apologized to her brother…and I had a glass of wine…or three.

Here’s my question, have we just entered the Eff-ing Fours?

Free Advice Friday! What NOT to bring on a romantic vacation.

Dear Kim,

My husband and I are going to Mexico on our first “adults only” vacation since our kids were born. I’m so excited! I don’t even know what I should pack to make this a special and romantic trip. Do you have any advice?

Por Favor,

Judy

 

 

Dear Judy,

That’s wonderful! I believe that trips, without the children, are necessary for the preservation of the marital relationship. In fact, I used to advise my clients…wait…did I ever mention that I was a marriage counselor for a few weeks?

It was shortly after my WTF greeting card company folded, and I desperately needed some dough for my cat’s third anal cyst surgery. I thought to myself, “Sugar Lips (positive self talk), how can I get Mr. Bojangles to stop licking her ass?” and more importantly, “How am I going to pay for this surgery?”. Then it occurred to me, “I’m married, I have a Bachelors degree in psychology- why not be a marriage counselor?!”

Having just spent a shitload of money on business cards and letterhead for my greeting card company, I decided to name my practice “WTF Greetings Marriage Counseling”. Admittedly, the name created a bit of a buzz in our small Baptist community. And not the good kind of buzz. But I think it was my philosophy that eventually won over the church ladies: “Husbands, admit you’re wrong and you’ll both get along!”

Unfortunately, I believe it was my hours (MWF 2pm-3:45pm) that really killed my business. But hey, Guiding Light wasn’t going to watch itself.

I’m sorry Judy, I seem to have gone off topic. It happens.

Anyway, I’m not going to give you advice on what to pack, instead I’m going to give you advice on a few things NOT to pack. Trust me, this is going to save you embarrassment, money, and time. But mostly embarrassment.

1. Lavender scented bath salts– I don’t care if your pedicure lady swears it’s a “sexy aphrodisiac” for your hotel jacuzzi. Guess what, Xiaoling, customs thought your “sexy aphrodisiac” was a bag of sweet smelling cocaine and they were way too eager to see if I had more.

Riddle: What do customs and dentists have in common? Cavity searches, Xiaoling, cavity searches.

2. Sex toys & kinky lingerie – Whatever you’re into, keep that shit at home! And if you’re traveling internationally…forget it! They’ll open your suitcase in front of the whole plane and toss that crap around like it’s a damn Caesar salad, using “Judy’s lube” as the dressing. *traveler’s tip: hair conditioner and his electric toothbrush will do in a pinch.

3. Sneakers – Hahaha! Pahleeese! Your ass isn’t working out! Save the luggage space for a sombrero and some maracas.

4. A screwdriver– Don’t ask. just know mine was confiscated.

5. Sweet pics of your kids – Ugh. I guarantee, after 3 margaritas and a Kamikaze chaser, you’ll take one look at those “cherubs” in the photo and call home drunk. And during your drunken “I miz my baaabies” conversation, you’ll say something stupid like “Lawd knows, I didn’t mean to gets knocked up wid you, but I’m soooo glad I did!” Trust me, Judy, that phone call was nothing but a big fat therapy bill.

 

Judy, I hope you take my advice to heart. Remember, you can always buy something you forgot, but you can never forget anything you brought.

 

Adios!

Kim

 

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