It’s Friday, and you know what that means…free advice that you can’t (but probably should) live without! You’re welcome.
But first, Brian and I are leaving for vacation today, so yesterday was spent waxing my bikini area and preparing our house & children for the grandparents’ arrival. This. took. all. freaking. day. Oddly, the house doesn’t look any different…but my bikini area could be picked out of a line up!
Dear Potential burglars,
FYI, our house is not vacant, it’s filled to the brim with extended family and outdated electronics. Plus there’s always Mr.Bojangles…
Aww, I think he likes you!
Oh, and he has a case of the shits, so you’d probably leave a crappy footprint behind that the police would use for suspect identification.
If you don’t heed my warning, I suggest you get a good steam cleaner and a better lawyer.
Love, Kim
So I’m sure you’ll understand it when I say, “Sorry, but I didn’t have time to write my Free Advice Friday post” (imagine my sad face here).
But not wanting to leave you hanging, I asked my bloggy friend Jenn, from Something Clever 2.0, to give us some of her awesomely funny advice. Don’t worry, it’s still free.
You remember Jenn, she also covered my ass on a Cheapo Wino Wednesday, and rocked it!
Thanks Jenn, I’ll have a margarita or four for you!
____________
If you are a regular reader of two other blogs besides this one, you may be familiar with my guest post on The Sadder But Wiser Girl, “Google Has the Questions, Jenn Has the Answers.” Or maybe not. It’s not important. You can go read it later.
What you need to know is that Google sometimes asks me for advice. I’ll pull up my favorite search tool to ask it what time a movie starts, or why I can’t put onion skins in the garbage disposal, and as soon as I start typing, I’m bombarded with a thousand voices pleading for my help. I like to give back when I can, so here are some real questions that Google has asked me, and my straight-talk.
Who vs. whom? The Who are an English band that has been rocking your face off since 1964. The Whom are a Who cover band whose Facebook page has been inactive for three years. The Whose are not a band at all.
When is Easter? The day before Cadbury Crème Eggs go on clearance.
Where did the Easter bunny come from? Either a rabbit uterus or a chicken egg. I’m not entirely clear on that. I’m sorry I could be more helpful. Maybe you should have started looking into this last month. Easter is over.
Why is Venus so hot? Because you have an amputee fetish, I guess. Why do I get all the weirdos?
Where’s Waldo? 44.5125° N, 69.0767° W
What’s the word? The bird.
Why is a manhole cover round? You just failed your interview. The point of that question is that you try to answer it.
How would I look with bangs? Not like Zooey Deschanel, I’m afraid. I know you think you will, but trust me, you won’t.
Where did you go Bernadette? I assume you’re referring to American treasure Bernadette Peters, who has most recently been appearing on the NBC show “Smash,” which may be cancelled. Well, friend, I can’t tell you what her next project will be, but if you’re itching for some Bernadette, you really must see the 1981 robot rom-com “Heatbeeps,” in which she stars opposite Andy Kaufman. Truly her finest work.
Why do I fart so much? You’re probably eating really healthy food. Or really unhealthy food. I wouldn’t know, because I only eat Goldfish crackers and wine, so I never fart. Don’t worry, though, Kim’s already covered that.
What are capers? They’re very similar to hijinks.
Where’s the beef? According to Wikipedia, Clara Peller, the “Where’s the beef?” lady, passed away in August of 1987, and was interred at Waldheim Cemetery in Forest Park, IL. I would assume the beef is still in her colon.
Why would you drink butter? Honey, why wouldn’t you?
What did Jesus look like? Since you failed to include a last name, I’m not sure if you’re referring to Jesus Jones or Jesus from The Big Lewboski. One had a stupid hat, and the other looked exactly like John Turturro. I hope that helps.
Who unfollowed me? Probably a #bestselling #awardwinning #mompreneur who was trying to sell you something. Try not to take it personally.
Where will you be when diarrhea strikes? Is that a threat? Have you done something to my food? Who is this??
Why is the ocean salty? I won’t tell you here, because this is a family blog, but here’s a hint: Google “blue whale 35 pints.”
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