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Cheapo Wino…Thursday! Oyster Bay Pinot Noir

2011 Oyster Bay Pinot Noir $12.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: Oyster Bay Marlborough Pinot Noir is elegant cool climate pinot noir at its best. Fragrant, soft and flavourful with aromas of ripe cherries and sweet fruit tannins that provide structure and length.

 

Kim’s Notes: I’m going to make this one relatively short. Ana has her first day of preschool tomorrow and, seeing as day drinking is frowned upon, I want to quickly settle down tonight, in my bed, with a martini to celebrate in anticipation. And being that we just got back from “Meet the Teacher” night, I’m inspired to present my review in bad Dr. Seuss style. Enjoy.

 

Oyster Bay

I do not like Oyster Bay

I would not drink it any day

I do not like it

not one little bit

I do not like it

I wanted to spit

Would you drink it in a glass?

I would not drink it in a glass

I would not drink it, it tastes like ass

I do not like this Oyster Bay

I do not like it any way.

Would you drink it in a bar?

Would you drink it in a car?

I would not drink it in a bar

I would not drink it in a car

I would not drink it in a glass

I would not drink it, it tastes like ass

I do not like Oyster Bay

I do not like it any way.

Would you drink it in a park?

Would you drink it after dark?

Not in a park

Not after dark

Not in a car

Not in a bar

I would not drink it in a glass

I would not drink it, it tastes like ass

I do not like Oyster bay

I do not like it any way

Would you, could you

if your day was bad?

I would not, could not

if my day was bad!

Would you, could you

if it’s all you had?

WTF do you mean, if it’s all I had?

I’ll tell you what…

 

I would so, could so

crush your spine

If you did so, done so

drank all my good wine!

 

 

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The Moment My Dignity Died

I know today was supposed to be Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday, I know it, ok?! But I have a really good reason to postpone it until tomorrow (admittedly, Cheapo Wino Thursday doesn’t have the same ring to it), I’m guest posting on an awesome blog today!

One of my bloggy BFF’s, Dani over at Cloudy With a Chance of Wine, has a fabulous guest post series on her blog called “Priceless Mom Moments”. After reading a few, I’ve decided that they’re called “priceless’ because you couldn’t possibly pay someone enough money to switch places with you, at least not until your parental humiliation was over.

Anywho, when Dani asked me if I’d like to contribute a post I was like “Hell yeah! Sign me up!” but then she was like “It has to be something new, something that you haven’t written about yet.” and I was like “But I share all of my embarrassing stories with my readers, almost immediately…sometimes while they’re happening. Ana couldn’t possibly do anything between now and next week to humiliate me.”

Well, guess what my friends, I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

 

While Ana prefers to embarrass me in ways that are best explained through pictures:

 

she did something last week that I thankfully did not photograph. In fact, a picture would have caused you to vomit. click here to read what it was You’ll be magically transported over to Cloudy With a Chance of Wine (P.S. finish your breakfast first).

 

 

 

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Tips for Tuesday! Paci Addiction

Today’s post is about a very serious topic, paci addiction.  Last year, paci addiction claimed the sanity of over 50 billion mothers worldwide and, according to my nail salon lady, the numbers continue to rise. Science can put a Rover on Mars but they can’t solve this problem?  Who cares about putting a dog on Mars anyway? Ridiculous!

Lucky for us, we have the smart, funny, and cutie patootie Amanda from Questionable Choices in Parenting here to help us!

After reading about her brilliant scientific development, you have to head over to Questionable Choices in Parenting and read her stuff, it’ll have you laughing your ass off!  My favorite… The Professional Playground Inspector where she bitches about The Bridge of Death, The Tunnel of Terror, and The Drop of Doom. I loathe The Drop of Doom!

 

 

When my daughter turned two it was clear to the entire family that she had a problem. A very serious problem: a pacifier problem. Since I’ve watched a lot of interventions on tv, I felt completely comfortable staging a paci intervention in our home. We sat my unsuspecting girl down in her “big girl chair” for a “big girl” talk.

Just like an addict, she was angry and even in denial. She placed the blame on others, mainly me. She even called me her “paci pusher.” And that, friends, is the sad but honest truth.


When she was a baby, I would shove a pacifier her way any time I heard a little whimper or cry. Silence was golden, but it was also a slippery slope and a gateway to addiction. In the past, when we tried to get her to kick her habit, she would throw epic tantrums, and I would throw pacifiers at her by the handful just to get her to stop.

We thought she was doing better, but then we found her secret stash. Some places were obvious: in her doll house, shoved in the couch. But some were stealthy hidden: in her shoes, in her shopping cart of play food. One day I witnessed her pull a paci out of the dog food bin and start sucking away. She had hit rock bottom.

We tried to get her to quit before, but this time was different. I would no longer enable her addiction. It was time to quit the pacifier cold turkey. OK, she could still have the paci at night, but that’s it!

So we started on the journey of clean living and life without the paci, and let me tell you, it was rough. The normal daily tantrums of a two year old doubled, tripled, quadrupled! Anything and everything set her off, and we all walked around the house on tiptoe not to disturb the beast. It was like she couldn’t function without a little help from her friend the paci.

Since I couldn’t go back on my vow to break her of the paci, I decided to turn into my secret mommy laboratory and create something to help her and all pacifier addicts get over the hump while kicking their habit.

Introducing The Paci Patch, part of the PRT (Pacifier Replacement Therapy). Much like the patch that helps smokers kick their nasty habit, The Paci Patch helps take the edge off of mom induced pacifier weaning.


The Paci Patch is easy to apply: just peel and stick to their arm. Voila!

The Paci Patch has a super scientific, timed therapeutic sensation that will ease your little one’s cravings for the paci and help them successfully wean from the pacifier.

The Paci Patch even comes in your child’s favorite television characters!

So if you have a pacifier addict, you are not alone. And now you have help, The Paci Patch. And if this thing doesn’t work, you can totally give the kid the pacifier when no one is looking. I totally won’t judge you.

 

Amanda Mushro is a mommy of two who blogs at Questionable Choices in Parenting. Sometimes she thinks she is doing a great job as a mom, but then she does something that really makes her question her own parenting abilities. Find her atQuestionable Choices in ParentingFacebookTwitter, and Pinterest

 

 

 

 

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Free Advice Friday! My son’s video games are expensive. Help!

Dear Kim,

I know you have a son the same age as mine, so that’s why I’m asking you this question. My son is always asking for video games, game downloads, and computer games that his friends have so that he can play online with them. He does great in school, plays sports, and does chores around the house so I don’t mind buying him things but it’s getting very expensive. I’d hate for him to not be able to join in with his friends but I can’t keep this up. And it’s not like he’s old enough to work. What should I do?

Advice please!

Misty

 

Dear Misty,

About 8 years ago, my sister-in-law’s uncle’s wife’s friend lived and worked in the small town of Warwick. Most of the town was employed by a factory that made adhesive glue for post-it notes, tape, and stickers. One fateful afternoon, the factory unexplainably blew up, covering the town in a heavy sticky rain. Windshield wipers seized up, birds dropped to the ground, and people stopped in their tracks (mostly because they couldn’t move).

Stuck On You Inc. knew they had a PR emergency on their hands and, in retrospect, regretted their company name.

At first, they tried washing the town with soap and water but their product’s claim of “Super Powerful & 100% Waterproof” turned out to be true. They felt both a sense of pride and a surprised disappointment.

For the next week, Stuck On You Inc. tried everything they could think of, scrapping, smearing peanut butter, spraying acid (that was a very bad idea), nothing worked. Meanwhile, phrases like “I got stuck at work” and “I found myself in a sticky situation” took on a double meaning in Warwick and had to be clarified.

Then one night, a factory executive was watching TV when an infomercial for Goo Gone came on. Having had several tumblers of whiskey, he picked up the phone and ordered 1,000 cases, making him eligible for free shipping & handling and 12 complimentary Sham Wow towels.

7-10 business days later, the townsfolk bonded together (both literally and figuratively) and successfully coated everything in the citrus based Goo Gone. Thankfully, most of the glue was removed but it left Warwick smelling like the bottom of Minute Maid Orange Juice container.

Misty, in memory of this catastrophe, the town actively encourages young residents to set up orange juice stands and to donate their proceeds to the “Great Glue Explosion Fund”. The purpose of this fund is to provide mental health support to those victims still affected by the tragedy, victims like Gloria, whose dog runs away from her whenever she tries to pet him.

“I just want Fluffy to love me again” – Gloria

Misty, in case it isn’t obvious, my advice to you is to tell your son to be grateful he isn’t covered in glue, then have him set up an orange juice stand and use his earnings to buy his own damn video games. And buy Goo Gone, that shit is awesome! *not a sponsored post, but should be. Call me, Goo Gone!

Keep it classy!

Kim

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If you haven’t checked out her blog yet, you have to go over to my sponsor The Shitastrophy and read some of her shit! It’s hilarious, honest, and full of inappropriate vulgarity! How fun is that?! VERY!

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