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On Friday, my BFF and I went to our friend’s house for her 40th birthday party. It was a great set-up with food and mingling inside and music and a bonfire outside. I was having a fabulous time chit-chatting with everyone and then I looked to my right and saw this…

Three. Three is apparently the number of margaritas it takes for me to believe that I’m capable of twirling a fire baton without posing a risk to myself or to those around me.

As I stood there slack jawed and rattling the ice cubes in my empty margarita glass, the conversation in my head went like this:

That doesn’t look so hard, I could totally do that! I’m sooo doing that! Ugh, c’mon guy, give someone else a turn. I’m surprised he hasn’t caught his beard on fire yet. If he does, I could twirl the baton while we’re waiting for the ambulance and tell everyone it’s so the driver can see us better, then I won’t look so insensitive. Does a beard fire get stomped out? Oh oh oh, maybe he has another baton in his van and we can have a fire baton-off! YES! A FIRE BATON-OFF!

Then the conversation outside of my head, with my BFF, went like this:

Me: “I’m pretty coordinated, right?”

Her: “We’re outta here.”

Without her, I’d probably be typing this from the hospital burn unit.

On Saturday, I went to a bridal shower luncheon for my girlfriend, the same one that had the 40th b-day party the night before (hello, hangover), and afterwards we all went to get Mani/Pedi’s

And let me tell you, these were no ordinary mani/pedi’s! We had 20 minute foot rubs, 15 minute hand rubs, plus complimentary shoulder and neck rubs. Oh, AND champagne, cupcakes, wine, mimosas- the works!

Would you believe we arrived at the salon at 3:30 pm and didn’t leave until 7 pm?! I know Brian didn’t. He thought I was bullshitting him and milking my alone time, “No manicure/pedicure takes that long!” I started to pull out my receipt to show him the time/date stamp but quickly realized that the $$$ on the receipt would only take us down another ugly path. Luckily, Collin and I had to be at another bonfire by 7:30 so I quickly changed and fled the house.

And this is how I arrived to the bonfire. How, people, how?

But guess what?! I had the $150 “complimentary” flip flops from my mani/pedi in the car! They were a little unstable but whatever.

Sunday morning, we mistakenly took the kids to a fancy/organic/ farm to table/ linen table cloth restaurant for brunch. Collin said that the place was creepy and he never wanted to come again. Ana showed her disapproval by hiding her face and making fart noises while yelling “Mommy FAAAARRTED!” over and over again. Before we left, I tried to make a reservation for their Thanksgiving buffet. They said they were booked.

After brunch, we drove Collin straight to flag football practice because who doesn’t like watching their kid vomit $20 free range eggs all over the field?

The moment we arrived, we scouted out the perfect spot to set up our chairs. Where to set up? Where. To. Set. Up? Hmm…remember your parasite parenting tips, Kim.

Aww, look, a nice family with a dog and young kids! Perfect! It shouldn’t be long now…

Shhh, be very still. Rarely has the parasite attachment process been captured on film.

Take a close look.

closer still…

Even the dog didn’t notice that she had joined their family. And that folks, is parasite parenting done right!

How was your weekend? Do anything interesting or horrible or horribly interesting?

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