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The 10 Most Awesome Things About Having a Physical Disability – A Guest Post

October 23, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Day 4 of our Disney vacation and it seems like I might have overestimated the effectiveness of Gold Bond Medicated Powder…dear god, it feels like my nether regions were the scene of a porcupine turf war, and both sides lost.

Moving on. Today’s fabulous guest post is by the wonderful Meredith from Pile of Babies. I loooove me some Meredith! Everytime her post is delivered to my inbox, I read it immediately because she’s so freaking funny! When you’re done reading this, you have to check out her recent post about bad holiday gift ideas– I was peeing my pants!

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I have a physical disability: I was born without fingers on my right hand. Don’t worry, it’s cool. Bitches love nubbins.

…Actually, no they don’t. I’m not even sure why I said that. I think it’s because I was trying really hard to make this a post that had no swearing or inappropriate humor, and I cracked after two sentences.

Sorry.

Anyway, one thing I’ve noticed from living a life with a handicap is that a lot of people assume that your disability is something to be sorry about. Like your life would be somehow better if you didn’t have it. Well, the joke’s on you, fools! The truth is that there is all kinds of awesome going on when you are missing a body part or two or three or…what’s the maximum number of parts you can lose before you’re a head? I’m going to use broad strokes and say five.

Here are my top nine most awesome things about having a physical disability:

Join us. (image via markramseymedia.com)

1. If you love attention, boy do I have a gig for you!

Ever wonder what it’s like to be famous? To go to the grocery store and have people give you a double take? Do you enjoy being gazed at in adoration and/or horror by people you don’t know? Get yourself a physical disability. Every day of your life you’ll feel like Angelina Jolie, if Angelina Jolie had survived a horrible house fire.

2. “So sorry, my hand isn’t thinking straight.”

You can use your disability as an excuse for the most random things, and even the most enlightened people will think it over for a second before calling you on your bullshit.

“Dear Professor Dumbledore, I am so sorry that I missed my exam this morning. See, my finger-less hand was acting up, which made walking impossible.”

“Dear supervisor, I apologize for calling my co-worker Brad an ‘insufferable miserable cock-wielding nightmare.’ I’m afraid my lack of limb got the better of me today. It won’t happen again.”

3. You get to stand with the oppressed. It’s where the cool kids are.

You know all those people who are gay and/or not white and/or of a religion that doesn’t start with “C”? These are your people when you are disabled. And it has been my experience that the most kick-ass people are the ones who have had to deal with a whole lot of adversity. Nothing gives you perspective like being told you can’t have a job because of the person you’re married to. Or that the apartment you came to look at just got leased the moment they saw your skin color. And honestly, nothing is funnier than the saddest experiences you’ve ever had; so come sit by me, and we shall tell tales and laugh about whitey/straight people/assholes who can walk. It’s gonna be a good time.

4. We have the Paralympics: they’re like the regular Olympics, only harder.

Please, bitches. (image via wikipedia)

“Hey, did you see the winter Olympics? Man, those skiers were amazing.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you talking about the skiers with two legs? Yeah, really inspiring. ‘Hey, look at me! I’ve got one leg per ski and an arm for each pole!’ I bet that takes a lot of skill and all kinds of inventive assistive devices. What’s that? It just takes practice? Oh, I see. Well, that sounds hard, too.”

5. It’s easy to id the bad guys.

Basically, if someone screams or can’t stop staring when they see my disability, they go into a certain box. And in that box, I am liable to stroke their faces gently with my nubs, or perhaps see if I can stick just the tip of one into their mouths.

6. You get to check that box on forms.

As a white woman, I don’t get to check a whole lot of special boxes on forms.

“Are you a veteran?” No. My fear reflex involves a whole lot of urination.

“What is your race/ethnicity?” Just white bread whitey white white.

“Are you disabled?” Why…yes. Yes I am.

Guess who’s getting to the interview before they learn I’m not qualified? This gal, right here.

7. “Thanks, I’ll just supervise.”

Worried about carrying heavy things? Don’t feel like helping when your best friend moves? Excellent. I’ll save you a spot on the couch.

“You’re doing great, Grandpa! Just hold still! Also, good call wearing the socks on the hardwood floor! Small steps, please.” (image via prioritymoving.com)

8.Thanks to Oscar Pistorious, you can now be the “good kind” of disabled person.

Before, they pitied us. Now, they fear us. Oscar Pistorious, the Olympic runner who is also a double amputee, murdered his girlfriend last year like an asshole. Now, let’s just say some generalizations are being made.

“You should meet my friend Bill! He’s really cool. You should know, though, that he doesn’t have any legs.”

“Excellent. I shall bring my gun in case I need to use it for self-defense.”

“…What are talking about?”

“You know…Pistorious? What if he’s one of those crazy cripples who likes to murder people?”

“Oh no no no — he’s a nice guy. Really articulate, doesn’t shove his lifestyle down your throat, you know. All those things that make difference comfortable for us.”

“Nice! Do you think he’ll let me touch a leg?”

9. People assume that you’re brave

I am a coward. I am afraid of heights and people and driving on steep hills. So if people want to think that I am brave because I walk around with my hand out and my freak flag flying, that is cool with me. I’ll take it. Sure, you can call me courageous. “Hero” is also a word that doesn’t get thrown my way quite enough, but I think we can both agree that it applies.

***

So the next time you run into someone who is missing a leg, or has both arms cut off at the elbow, pick them up and apologize (the dude’s missing a leg, for chrissakes), and then tell them how lucky they are. And when they ask why, tell them because of Oscar Pistorious and heavy boxes. And then walk away proudly, knowing they will have a great story to tell their friends.

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and award-winning humor blogger. You can read her nonsense at Pile of Babies.

My sponsor GiftsForYouNow.com has like a BAZILLION gifts that you can personalize for Christmas (or any occasion). I bet they have a tree skirt for my wine glass.

3 Comments Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: disability, Disney, guest post

Tips for Tuesday! How to cut your Child’s hair – a guest post!

October 22, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

We’re currently on Day 3 of our Disney vacation and my inner thigh chaffing is being kept under control thanks to a last minute purchase of Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Brian laughed when I bought it, but guess who’s begging to use it now. Thaaat’s right.

P.S. Burglars – Our house is not empty, but Mr. Bojangles would still enjoy some additional company.

aww, I think he like you!

Today’s tip is brought to you by the very clever, very awesome, and very funny (hysterical, really), Jenn from Something Clever 2.0. Her blog has always been one of my favorite reads because she’s not afraid to stir up a little trouble by saying exactly what we’re all thinking – like this post about Halloween, her ass gets all judgy on you…yes YOU! I suggest you read it and take her advice.

How to Cut Your Child’s Hair in Ten Easy Steps

So you’ve decided to cut your kid’s hair. I’ve been cutting my son’s hair for three years (since his first cut), and oftentimes, I’m asked how I do it. It’s very simple. However, if you’ve never cut hair before, stop right there. Cutting hair is tricky, and cutting a squirmy person’s hair is damn near impossible. Practice on yourself and your spouse for a minimum of ten years before you attempt this feat.

Step One: Put your child in a high chair. Bonus points if you have one with a five-point harness. Super bonus points if your kid is asleep and you have two friends to hold him down.

Step Two: Carefully wrap a towel around the- oh, who am I kidding, those tiny little itchy bits of hair are going to get all over the place, no matter what you do.

Step Three: Toys and snacks go a long way towards helping your kid sit still. Try to choose toys that you can rinse off, and snacks that aren’t too sticky. Don’t worry about your kid not ingesting enough hair, they totally will.

Step Four: Try to choose a style that doesn’t require a flat iron to maintain, because kids hate those things, for some reason.

Step Five: Cut the most important part first. If the shit hits the fan and you have to bail early, you don’t want a girl with shaggy bangs, or a boy with a wiffle, sideburns and a mullet.

Step Six: Kids do not understand complicated commands like “face forward” or “look down.” But they love riddles and puzzles! Have them move their head the way you want by telling them to “listen to your shoulder” or “try to lick your belly.”

Step Seven: Threats and intimidation go a long way towards keeping your kid from squirming. Before every approach with the scissors or buzzer, remind your child that if they move, they will get cut/look ugly (maximum fear-inducing threat is dependent on the gender of your child).

Step Eight: Get over your fear of blood and your unnatural attachment to your child’s ears. You will nick them at least once a year. Whatever, Band-Aids are way cheaper than a trip to Snip-its.

Step Nine: Make amends.

Step Ten: Tomorrow is crazy hat day! And the day after that, and the day after that, and oh screw it probably the next three or four weeks.

Jenn Rose is a staff writer at In The Powder Room, and stay-at-home mother to one boy in Massachusetts. When she’s not writing or parenting, she’s watching way too much TV and drinking a little too much wine (not chardonnay). She hopes to become a zombie when she dies.
Connect with Jenn on her blog Something Clever 2.0, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

2 Comments Filed Under: Tips Tagged With: hair cut, kids, tips

What Cosmo Doesn’t Tell Us, a skanky guest post.

October 19, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Guess where we are this week! Here’s a hint:

It’s Disney, bitches! <— that should be their new slogan, it’s trendy, hip, and a sassy Donald could totally pull it off.

Anyhoo, while I’m gone, I’ve asked some of my favorite funny people to “Please, please, share some of your awesomeness with my readers!” and they said yes (even after I made it clear this wasn’t a paying gig).

Today’s guest post is by my most favorite skank in the whole wide world, Shay from Trashy Blog. A self-proclaimed Magazine Whisperer, she’ll make you laugh until you’re crying. I swear it, people, read her stuff…after this, of course.

P.S. – Dear Burglars, our house is NOT empty. We obviously needed someone to stay with the dogs. But Mr. Bojangles says you’re welcome to stop by for a cuddle, just call first because he hates surprises…

What Cosmo Doesn’t Tell Us

A friend approached me as I was leaving the gym the other day. “I saw you running on the treadmill, but I didn’t want to interrupt you to say hi since you seemed very into your Cosmo,” she said.

I recoiled in horror. “Bitch, please! I don’t read Cosmo! It was a People. I find celebrity gossip much more useful than the stupid sex tips in Cosmo, as I try to avoid sex as much as possible.”

“But wait,” she said, “I’ve heard you say that you used to be a skank.” (Do I say it that often, by the way? Like I’m proud of it or something? Like I still believe that the guys from my skanky past wanted to be with me because of how insanely hot I must have been looking those certain nights and not because…well, simply because I was an available skank at last call? Because I totally know better. Totally…)

“Sure,” I replied, shrugging, “but that was before, when I was single and it was with random people. The world was my oyster. Now I live in the land of the mundane. There are about a million other things I’d rather be doing—like eating Cheetos, cleaning the bathroom, or changing a shitty diaper—than having sex with my husband.”

My friend started laughing like I was kidding. Cute little thing has been married for about two years and still loves doing it with her hubs. So sweet.

“You know what I’d like?” I continued, rudely breaking off her laughter. “I’d like a magazine that gives tips on how to avoidhaving sex with your husband. Where the hell is that magazine?”

I decided that since the writers of Cosmo magazine don’t seem to understand what women truly want, I’d share the tricks I keep up my sleeve as a little guide for the real women of the world.

Here, I present to you tips that you might actually find useful in a little listy I like to call:

Trashy Blog’s Six Tips for Getting out of Sex with Your Husband

1. Say this when he asks you to have sex: “I already had it with my boyfriend like 10 times today. I’m kind of tired…”

2. When he persists, say this: “I have chlamydia?” Keep it in question form so he knows damned well that you don’t, but that you’d be willing to go catch it to get out of sex with him. (Some of these tips will make you look like a real asshole, by the way…but remember, it’s all for a good cause.)

Seriously, there shouldn’t need to BE a number 3 after the first 2. Even if they don’t believe us, they should be so disgusted by our antics for getting out of sex with them that they give us a pass. Ugh. What the hell is wrong with husbands these days, all wanting to have sex with their wives and shit?

4. Fart. I did this one time just as we were getting ready to get down and dirty in the very beginning of our marriage. My husband laughed and said, ”If you’re trying to turn me off, it’s not working.”

DAMMIT it’s hard being this sexy.

I hadn’t actually been trying to turn him off, but I filed that response away for future knowledge. I knew that if it was in the back of his mind, then someday—granted, maybe a couple years down the road; I just had to be patient—it would be enough to turn him off. And I was planning to try.

5. “How‘bout them Duggars?”

6. Breathe on him. Holy shit, this story is so embarrassing that I’m going to turn red while I’m typing it, just as I turned red in the coffee shop when I told my friends about it…but isn’t that what blogging is all about? Embarrassing yourself for a greater cause–or at least a little bit of negative attention?

The hubs and I were sitting down for date night one Thursday night. We had put the kids to bed about an hour prior to when I finally joined the hubs on the couch after doing my nightly routine of cleaning up and getting things ready for the next day.

I sat down next to the hubs with my freshly-poured glass of wine, and suddenly he wrinkled his nose. “Do you smell that?” he asked, turning toward me, where I was all snuggled up next to him.

I shook my head. “No. What does it smell like?”

He scrunched up his face into a disgusted grimace. “I don’t know. Like…puke…and wine.”

I looked down at my wine glass and then back at him. I think we may have both realized it at the same time. “It’s probably my breath,” I said.

The hubs tried to be nice. “No. NAH, it COULDN’T BE! I mean, you haven’t puked tonight, right?” But I could see that he had already accepted it just like I had: He was smelling my breath mixed with the wine.

I have no clue why it smelled like puke; stranger things have happened. The point was, it did.

When I told my friends about it the next day at coffee, I said, face blazing with embarrassment, “I guess I need to pick up some breath strips while I’m at Wal-Mart today.”

My asshole friend Nancy goes,“Why? So your breath can smell like puke…and breath strips?”

I give up. I fcking give up.

Alright, peeps, so give them a try and report back. I’d love to hear how my tips worked for you. And if you’re one of those married women who, after 29 years, still loooooveshaving sex with her husband…

…quit lying. Let me know how the tips work for you, too.

Trashy Blog was created and is written by Shay, who withholds her last name not to be all Beyonce, but instead to preserve a bit of anonymity–because have you seen the trash she puts out there? Trashy Blog is updated once a week, normally on Fridays when Shay has time to kick back with a beer and trash her skanky little heart out. Check her out at www.trashyblog.com.

Want to read another funny broad? Visit my sponsor Alyson over at The Shitastrophy!

2 Comments Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: cosmo, sex, trashy blog

Free Advice Friday! Need Recipe Ideas? Oh, I gots recipes…

October 18, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Hi Kim,

I’m a stay at home mom of 3 kids (6, 9, & 11) and it seems like I’m always driving someone somewhere after school. As a result, I don’t always have the time or energy to put a nice dinner together. Do you have any recipes or meal planners that you would recommend for a busy family?

Sincerely,

Felicia Hates Fast Food

Dear Felicia,

Hahahahahah…um…what?! Did you really just ask my advice about cooking your family a healthy meal on an almost daily basis? Bless your heart, that’s sooo precious!

First, I’d like to say “Welcome!”, as you’re obviously a new reader. And secondly, I hope you’ll stop back again (though it’s highly unlikely, based on the advice I’m about to give you).

Felicia, take a look at my recipe box:

Want to know what all those papers are? Take-Out menus. That’s right, almost every recipe in my recipe box has a take-out menu attached to the back. This comes in handy when you don’t have time to cook, don’t wanna cook, or burn everything you cook. Simply pull out a delicious recipe with your right hand, and dial up dinner with your left. It’s as easy as that!

Once your meal arrives, don’t forget to dirty the appropriate pots and pans because no one needs to know about your “cooking” methods except you and your delivery driver. *tip handsomely, it keeps them loyal.

You have two choices when creating your “recipe box”:

1. Create a bullshit recipe based on the menu item of your choice. *This usually requires extensive taste testing unless your palate is oddly sensitive. So factor in weight gain.

2. Cut out a recipe then search nearby restaurants for a similar entree.

I usually dip into my recipe box about three times a week, making the other 4 days “Fend for Yourself” nights. After all, I can’t be awesome every night.

However, Felicia, if this type of dishonesty is an affront to your moral & ethical code then 1) I doubt we could be friends and 2) check out my friend Shay at Trashy Blog, she has a fast & cheap recipe section that’s likely to make you laugh until you cry! I cry a lot.

Good luck!

Kim

P.S. Oh, and you might want to direct all future food and cleaning questions to someone else. I wish I could say who, but “birds of a feather” and all that…

8 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: delivery, menus, recipes, take out

The 10 Most Awesome Things About Having a Physical Disability – A Guest Post

Tips for Tuesday! How to cut your Child’s hair – a guest post!

What Cosmo Doesn’t Tell Us, a skanky guest post.

Free Advice Friday! Need Recipe Ideas? Oh, I gots recipes…

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