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“Protect my candy? Why? My kids collected tons of it!”

My Dear Reader,

Yes, you’ve trained your little Hunter/Gatherers well. You dressed them sweetly, taught them how to say “trick or treat” with an adorable little lisp, and had them memorize your top 5 favorite candy bars in alphabetical order because you’ll be damned if they come home with crappy Dum Dums again. So sure, you might be rolling in the Snickers now, but it won’t always be that way.

Candy gets eaten.

As the household’s candy resources begin to deplete, you’ll notice disturbing behaviors among certain family members, behaviors like: hording, bartering, extortion, and full-out raids carried out under the cover of darkness. And I’m not referring to the kids’ behavior. Look in the mirror, my friend.

In order to avoid all this ugliness, you need to be proactive by creating a secret stash. Don’t worry, I’m here to help!

The first thing you need to do is to separate the candy into two piles, candy you love and candy you hate.

Taffy? ugh. That should come with a coupon for a root canal.

Next, focus on hiding the candy you love. I like to choose my candy hiding spots by taking cues from drug trafficking movies. However, I don’t recommend shoving anything up your hooha- I did that once with Whoppers, the box ripped and I developed an epic yeast infection.

Some hiding locations I have successfully used are:

– Inside metal curtain rods

– Books that I’ve hollowed out (preferably ones that you’d never read. I use cookbooks)

– Tampon boxes (what sicko is looking in there for candy? Well, besides you.)

Damn right, Kit Kats are SUPER!

– under toilet tank covers

*A great hiding spot for almost anything…except kittens. don’t ask.

Now that your favorite candy is safe, you need to create an explanation regarding its disappearance.

The way you go about this is very specific to your family’s situation. Here are a couple options I’ve used over the years:

Does your child have allergies?

Collin is allergic to walnuts. They cause his lips to swell, his throat to itch, and his eyes to water. Needless to say he avoids them at all cost. So I tell him that I was forced to throw out all the candy that said “contains walnuts” or “may have trace amounts of walnuts” or “produced in a factory that uses walnuts”. Then I add “Sorry” (sad face). Consequently, he’s developed a paranoia about the candy industry trying to kill him.

Do you own a dog?

Mr. Bojangles is my fall guy. And it’s a role he’s comfortable playing as long as I slip him a Pop Tart for his troubles.

To pull this off, you need to spread your “hate pile” of candy on the floor, scatter some wrappers around, and place your dog in the center. Quickly (before your pet actually eats the candy) snap a picture of your “bad doggie” in a compromising position. Make certain that the picture is blurry- you want your children to believe you were rushing in to save their candy. tip: Remember to save this year’s empty candy wrappers for next year’s staging.

*if you don’t have a dog, you can use a fat cat. But never use a bunny or a goldfish, that’s just insulting your kid’s intelligence. Isn’t it bad enough that you’re lying?

It was poisoned!

Tell them, that during a routine candy inspection, you had reason to suspect a majority of the candy was tampered with. For their safety, you were forced to throw it out. Then launch into a 15 minute talk on Stranger Danger while enrolling them in a Safety Awareness course at the local community center, then eat your candy while they’re taking said course. I call that a win-win!

That’s all I got, guys. But if you have any other ideas, please share them in the comments section below. You can send your kids to only so many Stranger Danger classes before they either lose all faith in humanity or smell a rat.

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