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The Weekend in Crappy Pics!

December 2, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Helllllo! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, we certainly did!

On Wednesday, we received our first ever shitload of firewood from a nearby company, which the delivery guy said would burn “…long, hot, strong, and clean.” I thought he was flirting with me until he used the adjective ‘clean’.

This was my first time stacking wood, but judging by my “can-do” attitude, suede wedge boots, faux leopard gloves, and trusty Lil’ Red Wagon, you’d never know it.

On Thursday, we went to Brian’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving, and we had a fabulous time- the food was great, the company was great, Ana didn’t break anything that couldn’t be fixed. What more could we ask for?

It was a perfect night…until we were leaving the neighborhood and passed this:

First of all, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON THANKSGIVING??? Nothing pisses me off more! Unless, of course, that sonofabitch has Easter eggs stashed under his shrubs.

And secondly, those lights are on the inside of the home- the inside, people! Find me in twenty years when the authorities are looking for the “Christmas Light Strangler”, I’ll direct them to the poor kid that grew up in this house.

Then, as we turned the corner, things went from nauseating to utterly disturbing:

Umm, WTF is happening here?

Let’s take a closer, creepier look:

I’m praying it’s a Halloween costume. If so, I bet I know which house he lives in.

 

Every Black Friday is the same for us: we wake up around 8am, search the internet for the Walmart death toll, shake our heads, then put up our Christmas decorations while thanking our lucky stars that we have zero interest in getting off our lazy asses in an attempt to save a buck.

I know, for most families, the lighting of the Christmas tree signifies the beginning of the Christmas season, but we, at the One Classy Motha household, have our own way of kicking things off:

The Pull My Finger Santa

It’s a very sacred tradition.

Once the family gathers around, I gently lift Santa from his custom made, satin lined box, as each child secretly hopes they’ll be the one chosen to flip the ON switch buried in the deep recesses of his ass. This year it was Ana, and she handled the responsibility with all the grace and maturity of a 4 year old “Hey Collin, my finger’s in his buuuuttttt!”

Then, taking a cue from The Lion King, I hold a gassy St. Nick high above my head and proclaim, “And I say unto ye, let there be Christmas Farts!” My family erupts into a frenzy of cheering and fabricated fart sounds as tears of joy roll down their plump little cheeks, cutting through the pizza grease.

Then I do it. I pull Santa’s finger. AND. IT. IS. MAGICAL. “FAAART…ho ho ho, now that’s a stocking stuffer!”

Christmas has officially begun!

Occasionally, after all the hoopla dies down, Brian tries to pretend he’s above us. After watching Ana & I laugh at Santa for over 15 minutes straight on Friday night:

Brian: This whole family is disgusting! You think Pam Anderson is walking around with a Farting Santa? No! She’s busy finding ways to make her husband happy.

Me: Pam Anderson is divorced.

Brian: You think Carmen Electra is walking around with a Farting Santa? No! She’s busy finding ways to make her husband happy.

Me:…

Brian: …divorced too?

Me: Yup.

Me: Hey, maybe if they had focused more on Farting Santa and less on their husband’s happiness, they’d still be married? I think we’re doing something right.

Saturday evening, we decorated the tree. I was supposed to visit my friend afterwards but…

In case you think I’m exaggerating…

On Sunday morning, Mr. Bojangles tumbled down our steep ass stairs for the second time in a week.

Our children have been falling down the stairs for years, with my response being nothing more than a yawn and a “We should probably do something about that” But when the dog fell, I was like “Oh, hell no!” I ran right out, bought all the supplies, and laid the runner myself.

Aww, does my little Bozie Wozie feel safey wafey now?

Oh, and guess what I bought this weekend?

Scissors, you sicko.

I have a ton more pics from this week but I’m sure you have a life you need to get back to, so I’ll just leave you with this:

(Excuse my Bronchitis laugh)

[embedit snippet=”pull-my-finger-santa”]

How was your week?

It’s getting super close to Christmas! You can find the perfect PERSONALIZED holiday gifts from my sponsor GiftsForYou.com. I swear they have something in every price range!

9 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Tips for Tuesday! Mailing snow this holiday card season.

November 26, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

So I was thinking to myself, “Candy Ass, you need to shake things up this season by sending out holiday cards that have that “wow” factor.”

And if you’ve been reading my blog for even a hot second, then you know I don’t mean a “Wow! Not only is Kim beautiful both inside and out, but she’s also super classy and exceptionally elegant.” Nooo, what I’m looking for is more of a “Wow! Not only is Kim beautiful both inside and out, but she’s also super nutty and exceptionally under medicated.”

It’s important to have goals.

Let me ask you this…did you know that you can mail almost anything under 13 ounces, for about $2-$3, without wrapping it?

source: www.giverslog.com

When you get a chance, you need to check out the blog www.giverslog.com, specifically her “13 Ounces or Less” posts. It’s true “mailing fun shit” inspiration!

Anyway, here’s my idea: SNOW

That’s right, my idea is to mail snow. No, not real snow…

 

Believe it or not, I already own a shitload of this stuff (You believe it, don’t you?).

By sending it in its powder form, the recipient can add the water themselves and experience the excitement of creating their own snow! OMG, my kids go absolutely bat shit with this stuff!

How to create a “Let it Snow” holiday greeting:

1. Create a holiday card with a clever “Let it Snow” theme, such as:

 

2. Buy a clear container from a craft supply store:

 

3. Curve the card into a cylinder shape and insert it into the container, making sure that the picture is facing outward. Then pour some of the snow powder inside along with hand written instructions about how much water to add (you can find this information on the back of the snow packaging).

4. Make certain to seal the top & bottom of the container with clear packaging tape.

5. Slap the address label and postage on the outside, then mail.

6. Sit back and wait for the phone calls to come rolling in, telling you how awesome you are!

 

So why don’t I have a sample to show you? Well, um….I went online the other day, just to see if anyone else had come up with this idea…and…well…the good news is, I don’t think anyone has.  The bad news, there’s probably a reason for that…

 

 

Gee, I guess it does look a little bit like Anthrax.

I still think it’s a clever idea…

but John, on the other hand, does not.

Ok, so there might be some kinks to work out, but I’m very determined…and apparently “stupid”. A dangerous combination.

If you have any suggestions, a way I can ship the snow without shutting down post offices across the country, please leave a comment below.  I’d hate to be the reason you didn’t receive your Aunt Marge’s Pepperidge Farm Holiday Sampler.

 

 

2 Comments Filed Under: Tips Tagged With: , , , , ,

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

November 25, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

 

One word: SNUGGLES

Friday afternoon, Ana’s classroom bear, Snuggles, came home with her.

Apparently, it was our responsibility to show Snuggles a good time AND to return him in one piece on Monday morning. I had my concerns…

I was beyond stressed. Honestly, I’d rather her bring home a newborn baby as they seem to leave a bad taste in Bo’s mouth.
 
Friday night, we took Snuggles to a dive restaurant that I was dying to try because “You shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, Brian.”

But when the waitress escorted us to a room reeking of bleach and registering a frosty 50 degrees, I thought to myself, “Oh shit, this ain’t no Pulitzer Prize.”

Luckily, our meal had some “Huh, this isn’t bad.” along with a few “Try these, they’re kinda good.” moments.

On Saturday, Collin went to a 6 hour birthday party. Yes, 6 hours. And the rest of us did nothing, nada, zip, zilch, except sit around and snuggle with Snuggles.

On Saturday night, we invited Brian’s mom over for dinner (pizza). After dinner, we were sitting around the family room, enjoying a roaring fire, drinking some wine, and someone pointed out this game…

It had to be Brian’s mom because it’s been sitting there since Christmas 2012 and we’ve yet to acknowledge its existence. Even Mr. Bojangles walks around it.

So we played the game,

then put it back in the corner until next year.

On Sunday, it was 10 degrees with the wind chill. TEN DEGREES, PEOPLE! And Ana informed me that we had to take Snuggles to Smith Park because her teacher said that’s his favorite thing to do. Well, I explained to Ana that, as a bear, Snuggles was meant to eat and hibernate this time of year, and that maybe her teacher is trying to push her own agenda onto Snuggles.

“Shouldn’t we honor Snuggles’ natural instincts by eating leftover pizza and napping instead?”

“No.”

So I did what any good mother would do…I took her and that damn bear to the park. I also did what any selfish mother would do…I underdressed her so she’d freeze within minutes of arriving.

“Mommy, I can’t feel my hands. Can we go home now?”

Yes, it’s hard to hold the monkey bars when your fingers won’t bend. Mwahahahahaha!

Oh, and check out the static electricity generated by a cold, dry, plastic slide…

I still think Snuggles would have rather hibernated.

How was your weekend?

3 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Free Advice Friday! Sucking at Motherhood? I doubt it.

November 23, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I feel like I’m sucking at this motherhood thing.  Everyone around me seems to have their act together and I’m such a mess. My kids are always late for the bus, I forgot about my daughter’s Show and Tell day, my kids refuse to eat a healthy meal, and I can’t remember the last time I dusted.  All these screw ups, and I don’t even work outside of the house!  How does everyone else make it look so easy?

Sucking at Motherhood,

Sally

 

 

My dear, dear Sally,

Honestly, I don’t believe there’s a mother out there that has her shit together.  And if you think you know one, I guarantee she’s faking it.  She probably fakes those over-the-top orgasms too…

But if she’s not faking it, it’s possible that she’s just not sharing her problems with you.

Take me for instance, I’m sure everyone thinks I’m pretty much perfect. And why wouldn’t they? Just look at the way my underwear always matches my Lulu Lemon yoga pants to disguise the hole in my crotch, how I shave my legs almost every third Monday without fail (excluding Columbus Day), the fact that I never ever entertain guests without wearing pants or a bra. Yes, I imagine, on the surface, I can be quite intimidating. But once you get to know me, you realize that I’m just like every other mother out there, forgetting her kids at the gym daycare and hiding empty wine bottles under discarded boxes of organic cereal stolen from the neighbor’s recycling bin.

Sure, my life might appear to be all roses but it’s more like “all carnations”- you know, not without some emotional strife.

I worry that my daughter’s steady diet of turkey hotdogs will deprive her of essential nutrients causing her to grow crooked like a tree sapling planted in partial shade. But I serve her hotdogs anyway.  Every time we buy our son a video game simply because he wants it, I worry that we’re not teaching him the value of hard, honest work. But I’ve yet to create a chore chart because it’s quicker and easier for me to do a job myself. And when my daughter says “A” is her favorite number…ugh…I worry that she’ll be behind when she enters Kindergarten next year.  But have I made those multi-sensory flash cards that I found on Pinterest? No. No I haven’t.

Speaking of Pinterest, I saw this great quote:

So true.

But I think it needs a little rewording…for us…

 

 

Let me ask you this, Sally: Do your children love you? Do they feel safe? Do they know how much you love them? If so, then you’re rocking this Motherhood thing! Trust me, that’s all anyone will truly remember, and in my opinion, it’s the only thing worth remembering.

 

Give your kids a hug & make Pop Tarts for dinner,

Kim

 

 

 

 

 

 

12 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,
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