So you know how I’ve been super SAD lately (Seasonal Affective Disorder), given that I live where Hell has actually frozen over? Well, I was super happy this past weekend…in sunny Florida…again!!!
I’m still coming out of a margarita/sunshine/feeding-my-fat-face haze, so I have little doubt that this edition of Weekend in Crappy Pics will come across as more disjointed than usual. Please bear with me. (For real, I accidentally drove Ana to her brother’s school this morning. They wouldn’t take her.)
On Wednesday, (yes, I know my title is ‘The Weekend in Crappy Pics”, sue me) Brian left for a work conference in Orlando, Fl.
On Thursday, I headed to the airport to catch the next plane out.
While standing in the security line, an announcement was made for a passenger to meet with one of the security officers.
OOOHHHH, a drug-sniffing dog! DAMN, it’s going to be a drug bust!!!!
I was so excited about witnessing a little ‘Breaking Bad’ action going down before me, yet a bit nervous about the possibility of getting caught in a shoot out. The last time I remember feeling so conflicted was when I had to drink a 2009 Caymus Special Selection Cabernet from the Napa region out of a red solo cup.
Officer: Sir, please go back to the luggage check-in, they found something in your luggage.
Guy: Was it my Creme Brulee torch?
WTF? Who the HELL brings a creme brulee torch on vacation? Better yet, who, in this day and age, brings a torch on a plane? Anyway, the guy came back to the line and informed everyone that he chose to throw away his creme brulee torch instead of taking it back to his car because “I have a ton of them at home.” ???
Anyhoo, I finally got on the plane only to realize that I was surrounded by flying newbies, and not the excited kind…
They were so intertwined, they couldn’t even get their drink trays down. But I had no problem with mine…
Good thing I had that drink too, because when we hit an air pocket, the 5 year old behind me yelled “We’re goin dooooown!” and the lady next to me dove into her boyfriend’s lap and started hyperventilating. That’s when I decided to rent “Gravity” and tune out everyone around me.
I know what you’re thinking, “Why would you watch an awesome 3-D movie like Gravity on one of those tiny headrest tv’s?” or you could be thinking, “Why the hell would you watch a movie about things going wrong in space while you’re on a plane? Would you go on a cruise and watch the Titanic?” Yeah, I probably would.
But here’s why…
See how the space station is shaking in that pic…we actually had plane turbulence during that scene! 3-D? More like 4-D!
Plus, I had a barf bag handy.
After arriving in Orlando, I knew Brian was going to be unavailable all day so I rented a car, drove to my favorite little town, bellied up to a bar, and had a nice blackened Mahi-Mahi sandwich and beer.
It’s no secret that I attract some of the most “interesting” people. This guy included…
I learned a lot from him that day:
1. To boil any and all water before drinking or bathing in it, otherwise I will become forgetful and my insides will rot.
2. To avoid breathing in black mold and consuming rust (I kinda knew this one)
3. Only buy a house if the front and back doors line up, so that air can flow through the house.
Luckily my leg had fallen asleep and I had to stick around a few minutes longer or I would have missed this gem…
4. If I’m going to drink and drive, I should do it during the day because at night there are less people on the roads, increasing my odds of getting caught.
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After arriving at the hotel, Brian pointed out a gift bag that was left at his door. It contained a bunch of promotional information that appeared to be tailored towards the Restaurant & Hospitality industry, including conference materials.
Me: I think this was delivered to the wrong room. We should probably return it.
Brian: Really? Because it included this bottle of wine *holding up a bottle*
Me: I…I could be wrong.
On Friday morning, I looked out of our window and saw the most spectacular thing ever!
Me: Oh my god! Brian! Get over here! They have these little white things roaming around the golf course! I think they’re like Roomba vacuums but for cutting the grass! Brilliant! (I began to wonder if these were available through retail channels or if they were strictly for commercial use)
Brian: Jesus Kim, put on your glasses. They’re birds.
Wildlife and glasses have never been so disappointing.
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Friday afternoon and evening was spent shopping, checking out the gulf coast of Florida (beautiful!), and visiting my family.
On Saturday, Brian and I headed over to Epcot, where we were free to drink and eat ourselves around the world.
The people watching was just a perk…
Me: Man, that kid’s really wailing!
Brian: She’s probably crying over that outfit her parents stuck on her.
Brian: Hey, check out those solar system pants.
Me: I bet guys walk up to her and say “Show me Uranus”. High five!
On the day of our marriage, who knew “Until death do us part” would be a total misconception? We’ll still be together even after death…in hell.
Here’s the crazy part…as we were people watching, we were actually being people watched! By this lady:
Lady: Excuse me, are you two dating?
Me: Um, no. We’ve been married for 13 years.
Lady: Really? Well I’ve been sitting here observing you for a while (’cause that’s not weird) and I have to say, the way he just stares at you when you talk, well, he’s just so madly in love with you! I wish my husband would look at me like that, so intently. It’s like when Brad Pitt watches Angelina Jolie. I though for sure you were on a date.
Me: Aww, thanks.
Lady to Brian: Has anyone ever told you that you have bedroom eyes?
Brian: Thanks. I really have no idea what to say to that, but thanks.
The conversation went on and on about bedroom eyes and circled back to Brad & Angelina again and again. When we left, I was feeling pret-ty good about our relationship…and then Brian said, “From the moment she sat down, I KNEW she wanted to get our attention and strike up a conversation. That’s why I made sure to keep my eyes focused on you. It almost worked.”
Someday he’ll learn to leave well enough alone.
Sunday, we flew home.
They say it might snow on Thursday.
Brian says I looked depressed today.
I don’t want to talk about it.
How was your weekend?
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