The Weekend in Crappy Pics

January 27, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

On Friday, I began phase 1,272 of my basement re-do project, Painting.

Having purchased the best paint on the market (Benjamin Moore), I thought for sure I’d be putting my feet up and enjoying a yummy cocktail in no time. However, after 1 wall, 3 hours, and 5 coats of Mascarpone White later:

If you recall Collin’s Birthday party, where I encouraged the kids to write all over the walls because “I’m painting anyway” (and clearly crazy), then you know that I have no one to blame but myself.

No, of course not. It’s probably my fault.

A heavy-duty primer is now on my shopping list.

On Saturday, I took Ana to TWO back-to-back birthday parties. What’s that? Didn’t I take her to one last weekend? Why yes, yes I did. And don’t we have another one this weekend? Why yes, yes we do.

The first birthday was a 2 pm bowling party.

Then we headed to a 3:30 pm Dance Club birthday party, complete with pounding music, black lights, and an open bar. Just kidding about the open bar. Wish I wasn’t.

While eating my third slice of birthday cake this week, I did a little math:

25 classmates + birthdays= 25 birthday parties.

Homeschooling never looked so appealing.

On Sunday, I spent 6 hours painting the rest of the basement…almost. I sorta ran out of paint and patience.

Oh, and I’ve decided to continue my DIY wainscoting up the basement stairs because ending this project without a full mental breakdown is not an option. So you can look forward to that.

How was your weekend?

6 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: basement, birthday parties, bowling, crappy, dancing, pics, preschool, weekend

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

January 21, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

On Friday night, I went to book club, not because I read the book (or even knew the title) but because the theme was Pajama Party and they were serving free food & wine. Honestly, I’d go to any event that encouraged me to wear loose elastic pants while stuffing my face.

We started the evening by rehashing birth stories, discussing how the role of Alpha differs between the domesticated dog and the wild wolf, and seeing how many people we could comfortably fit in her new shower. You know, book club stuff.

Six. The answer was six.

Eventually, the hostess insisted that we talk about the book. “Umm, that’s not why I came.”

From over my cookie crunching, I heard that The Healing by Jonathan Odell was set in the pre-Civil War South during some very difficult times- plagues, slavery, child-loss, you name it. And as the ladies discussed the story line and internalized the characters’ struggles, something interesting happened…they began to open up and share their own painful memories from growing up in post-Civil War, upper-middle class suburbia.

It. Was. Beautiful.

Afterwards, we took turns doing “Trust Falls”. Stacey no longer trusts me.

Saturday was filled with a bunch of randomness.

We ate lunch at a microbrew pub. Then we test drove a Mercedes-Benz because it was a warm and luxurious spot to digest our pork nachos while sightseeing.

After pulling a “don’t call us, we’ll call you” on the salesman, we headed to Costco where I saw this rug.

I just had to have it for my basement redesign project that I recently started…several months ago.

Brian – Stop looking at it, we don’t need an area rug.

Me – Ok.

*Brian walks away*

Collin – Ok??? You’re really not going to buy it?

Me – Not today, young grasshopper. I’ll come back tomorrow.

Collin – But won’t he be mad when you bring it home tomorrow?

Me – Yes, but it’ll already be in our house, and a “resigned to it” mad doesn’t last nearly as long as an “under protest” mad”.

*I catch a fly with my bare hands and whisper “wax on, wax off”

After Costco, Ana and I headed to another moon bounce birthday party. I swear, I think we’ve been to 32 of them in the last year, and we have another one next weekend. Oh, and guess where Ana wants to have her next birthday party? Thaaaat’s right! shoot me.

On Sunday, Collin, Ana, and I went back to Costco to buy my new area rug. It wasn’t util we loaded it in the car that I realized it was the BEST PURCHASE EVER! Here’s why: It’s 7 feet long, so I was forced to lay it down the middle of my SUV, from the trunk to the front seats, effectively separating my children for the duration of the ride. They couldn’t even see each other! A single tear of joy rolled down my cheek as I listened to Enya swirling in the eerie silence.

Then I spent the rest of the day working on my basement re-do, as it’s currently a “re-don’t”.

Hopefully, I’ll have some fancy “after” pictures for you by next week- but I think we both know anything’s gotta look better than this.

How was your weekend?

17 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: basement, book club, the healing

Weekend in Crappy Pics

January 13, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

I pretty much dragged ass this whole weekend. Sorry but it’s true.

[ INSERT MENTAL PICTURE OF SLOTH HERE] *too lazy to find a non-copyrighted picture

I even thought about skipping my Weekend in Crappy Pics post today but I know you’re all just chomping at the bit to read about our last 48 hours…well, except for Carol R. from Cincinnati, who’s asked me at least 3 or 4 times to remove her from my email list. But you know what I said to Carol? “Carol, Winners never quit me and quitters never win! And you’re a winner, Carol! YOU’RE A WINNER!”

I’m now SPAM to her.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Thursday night is to “blame for my lame”. <— I just made that up. I’ll trademark it later.

Thursday night, I took Brian on a surprise date. It wasn’t a surprise date like “Surprise! We’re on a date.” because date nights require more planning than that, it was more like “Surprise! Can you guess why I brought you to this dive?”

He was looking for clues everywhere.

he was like:

and I was like:

I don’t want to hold you in suspense any longer…we were there to see a very popular comedian in our area, who’s frequently a guest on Brian’s favorite sports radio station. The guy did a bunch of sports humor and sports impressions and sports and sports, and other sports stuff, but it was a BYOB venue so I had a good time.

Afterwards, Brian was all giddy and in good spirits and in no hurry to get home so he suggested that we stop at the pub next door. I had a chocolate martini…then another…then I got all rambly with people about how I used to do custom handbags but had to stop because of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

On our way out, the bartender handed me these:

Latex gloves. Umm, what?

Turns out, he thought I said I used to do custom handjobs until I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Strangely, I wasn’t as bothered by the “handjobs” misunderstanding as I was baffled by the “custom” part. Is that even a thing? Who’s got time for that??? Anyway, I guess he wanted me to be “careful out there” so that was nice…I think.

When we arrived home, I clumsily paid the babysitter from an enveloped marked “ANA’S BIRTHDAY MONEY” and still came up $5 short.

I handed her the $45 and said, “Ana either needs to get a job or have more birthdays!” Then I laughed and laughed and…worst mom ever.

On Friday, “somebody shoot me” could be heard in the early hours of noon.

And that’s why I didn’t write a Free Advice Friday (for those keeping track at home). My advice would have been something along the lines of “Don’t drink . Ever.” and “Pay the babysitter a little something extra to buy her discretion.” Actually, the latter isn’t a bad idea.

How was your weekend? Tell me you were worthless too, please.

10 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: comedian, crappy, handbags, handjobs, pics, sports, weekend

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Holiday Edition

December 30, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

I hope your family’s having a wonderful holiday break, and that you’re not hiding under a pile of dirty laundry somewhere because you figure that’s the last place your children would look.

*Learn to make your own UnderCova Motha Laundry Blanket here.

I realize I haven’t posted in over 2 weeks (I feel pretty crappy about that. Did you miss me? I missed you.) but I swear I have a good reason…

BOOM!

It’s a playhouse under the basement stairs! No, it’s not entirely finished yet, but my goal was to have it habitable by Christmas Eve and I did it!

*Life Tip- Keep your goals low and you’ll never fail.

Just before presenting every little girl’s dream to Ana, I carefully applied sunblock to my face, neck, and arms, anticipating that I’d soon be basking in the bright light radiating from within her joyous heart.

After the sunblock soaked in, I lured her down into the basement with the promise of a Christmas present. She seemed really excited for about 3 minutes and then went back upstairs

It’s now 5 days after Christmas and I swear I’ve spent more time flossing my teeth than she has in that god forsaken playhouse.

“Go down in the basement by myself? No way, that’s too scary.”

She’ll probably use it when she’s 16…to hide her drugs and other things I’ll be too naive to believe she’s doing.

Anywhoo, let’s catch up. Here are some highlights from the past two weeks:

Yes, I was pulled over by the police…in my neighborhood. Here’s what happened: as I was turning onto our street, a policeman was turning out and I saw him look at my windshield. Knowing that my inspection sticker was expired, I batted my eyelashes, smiled, and vigorously waved. I was the middle-age equivalent of a 20 year old wearing a low cut shirt to distract the bouncer from taking a closer look at her fake ID. We’ve all done it.

Unfortunately, he turned around and threw his lights on. Shit. But I’d be damned if I was going down in front of a nosy neighbor’s house. Determined to make it to my own driveway, I put on my hazard lights and kept driving..and driving…and driving. He probably wondered where I was taking him.

When he approached my car, I smeared on some lip gloss and gave the performance of my life:

Script excerpt from “Housewives of the Suburban Slammer”:

With a look of vulnerability and confusion, Kimberly bites her lower lip and says in a husky voice ,”Expired, you say? But how? Why? Oh my goodness, thank you for telling me officer.”

It must have been Oscar worthy because he let me off with a warning. Not impressed? Did I mention they were 6 months expired?

On Christmas Eve, we had my family and Brian’s family over for drinks, appetizers, and to exchange gifts. We even exchanged gifts with Mr.Bojangles. We gave him this bone…

…and in exchange, he shit on our rug. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM…IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY. Ho Ho Ho.

Christmas morning was absolutely perfect! Well, our video camera damaged our dvd so that’s how we’ve decided to remember it.

Once Brian figured out the camera problem, he proposed we re-wrap everything and do it all over. Umm, no- there’s no way I was reopening this…

It’s a wine cork.

And this weekend, we took the kids to see “Frozen”. Initially, Ana didn’t want to go but Brian promised her Sno-Caps.

She’ll do anything for chocolate. Remind me to sign her up for an intense Stranger Danger course.

After the movie, we wiped our tears and went to a nearby brewery/restaurant for dinner, where I enjoyed a flight of their seasonal microbrews – GASP! Yes, I cheated on my beloved wine. Shhh

We were sitting at one of those stupid high top tables (honestly, who seats kids at a high top in the bar area?), when I noticed Ana rocking and shaking her legs.

Me: Ana, do you have to go potty?

Ana: No

Me: Well, I have to go reeaaalllyy bad. Want to come with me?

Ana: Ok, I’ll try.

When we returned from the bathroom (where Ana peed like a racehorse), we scaled our mountain high seats and I noticed mine was wobbly.

Brian: How’d it go?

Me: Fine. My stool’s loose.

Brian: What the hell?!

Me: I know, right? Oh my god, Brian, how embarrassing would it be if it just dropped from under me…in front of everyone? Hahahaha!

Brian, with a horrified expression: Stop it! Just stop it! Do you even hear yourself?

And that’s when I realized we were talking about two different things.

So tell me, how have you been? How were your holidays? (hint: I’m specifically looking for stories of humiliation- those are my favorite)

16 Comments Filed Under: The Weekend in Crappy Pics, Uncategorized Tagged With: beer, Christmas, frozen, holidays, inspection

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

Weekend in Crappy Pics

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Holiday Edition

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